Why do you miss a person? What to do when I'm bored

What does it mean to miss someone? Maybe we miss not the person, but the experiences and feelings that are missing, the past? It would seem that there is no difference, but it is there, and very noticeable if you look more closely.

The relationship between two is a delicate and complex matter, often feelings are very fickle, and love ends quickly. The reason is quite simple - it is difficult to accept another person for who he really is. Initially, the perception is idealized, but soon a real clarification occurs. Personality and character traits that at first seemed insignificant become extremely unpleasant, love develops into intolerance. Why is this happening?

We miss our fantasies

Human nature is such that he usually falls in love according to his expectations; at first, feelings replace everything. But over time, couples get to know each other better, some personality traits begin to disappoint, and at this point the ideal past gives way to a not so ideal present. In many cases, relationships end there; not everyone is able to accept another person with all his shortcomings. At this time, regret about the past appears, it seems rosy and pleasant. Memories completely overshadow the true image; it seems that we miss exactly the ideal person he was at the very beginning of the relationship. But in reality, this is a longing for pleasant memories associated with the past, for one’s ideas about it, and the negative is already forgotten. These are all illusions that should be mercilessly gotten rid of.

We miss you when you're lonely

It is not so difficult to distinguish an illusion from a real feeling. If thoughts about the past come only at a time when you feel bad and lonely, you want to complain about life, you can safely say that there was no love and there is no love now, it’s just a desire to grasp at straws.

Often we miss not the person, but ourselves, as we were nearby. Constantly returning to the past, remembering common jokes and adventures, feelings, we yearn for ourselves. We must honestly admit that it is difficult to remember this or that person, but it is impossible to forget our own feelings, it is precisely the feelings that we yearn for.

There is no denying the fact that people who have great importance for life, have a huge impact on it. And we often miss not the people, but the events and sensations that surrounded communication. Of course, it is impossible to deny love; after a breakup, people sincerely yearn for the person who remains dear to them, and regret what they lost, but how often does this happen?

Take care of your loved ones and anyone else, cherish all the good things that exist now, and then you won’t have to experience a feeling of aching longing for what was lost. Change your life for the better now, share useful tips with family and friends.

People break up with friends and family for various reasons. This could be a friend moving to another city, because of which friendly relations may simply come to their logical conclusion. It’s more scary when a loved one passes away. Of course, it is very difficult to be away from the person you love. Although it is very difficult to stop missing someone, there are still things you can do to ease the pain of loss. Start by analyzing your feelings. Take care of your emotional needs. Distract yourself by doing something useful and constructive. If possible, find ways to communicate with the person you care about.

Steps

Get Over Your Feelings

Allow yourself to grieve that your loved one is no longer around. The first thing to do is accept your feelings and emotions and allow yourself to grieve. Don't keep everything to yourself. Give free rein to your feelings. Each person experiences grief differently. Do it as you see fit.

Give yourself plenty of time (say, a few days) to look through letters and photos, listen to sad music, or cry while hugging your favorite stuffed animal.
Once the feelings and emotions have subsided, promise yourself to do everything possible to return to your normal daily routine.

Trust a loved one. Talking about your feelings with a loved one will provide you with the support you need. Talk to a close friend or relative. Tell a loved one about what is happening in your life.
- You might say, “I’m so sad that Alexey left. I need to talk to someone about this."
- If you have an idea about how your loved one can help you deal with your feelings, tell them about it. For example, you could say, “Let's watch a romantic comedy together in memory of Olga tomorrow night!”
Write down your feelings. Express your feelings in writing. If you keep a diary, write down what emotions and feelings you experience. If you don't keep a diary, use a regular piece of paper or write in your phone's notebook.
- You can also write about your feelings by addressing your message to the person you miss. You can send a written letter to the person you miss so much or keep it for yourself to re-read when you feel very sad.
Remember pleasant moments. When a loved one passes away, all attention is focused on the negative aspects associated with the day of departure or the day the person died. Instead of focusing on the negative, think about the happy memories you have in your life.
See a psychologist if you need professional support. Most likely, you are going through a difficult time right now. You may be feeling sad and regretful because loved one no nearby. If you find it difficult to come to terms with the absence of a person or the inability to participate in their life as you did before, consider meeting with a psychologist.

Take a break
1. Organize your daily life. Although you may be tempted to ignore your responsibilities when you walk into a room, remember, sticking to a routine can help you overcome emotional turmoil. Having a daily routine will help you get things done no matter how you feel. Plus, you'll stay active and busy. This will make you feel like you are living your normal life again.
  
  Communicate. You can't replace a person, but others can help you deal with your feelings and move forward. Make an effort to develop new relationships and strengthen existing ones. Build relationships with positive people who can support you.
  - Join a new club or become a member of an organization where you can connect with new people.
  - Strengthen your relationships with your friends. Encourage them to spend more time together. Go for walks or create new traditions, such as having lunch together on Sundays or organizing a movie night.
2. Study or learn something new. Dedicate time to expanding your knowledge. If you are a student, dedicate time to studying a specific subject. If not, choose a subject that you have always been interested in and pick up material related to it. Read books or watch videos. You can also take an online course to learn a new skill.
  - If you are in school, spend time studying math or in English. You can also try to learn foreign language, study the art of French cooking or take guitar lessons.
3. Choose a hobby. What do you like to do? What activity lifts your mood? Once you have identified your favorite activity, allocate more time in your schedule for it. Hobbies are a great way to improve your skills and use your time more constructively. Plus, doing something you love will help you feel better (at least for a while).
  - If you love the outdoors, take a new route and go hiking. You can also try photography, knitting, painting, baking, gardening or collecting, and playing games.
4. Play sports. Physical exercise provides a good opportunity to take your mind off sadness and negative emotions. In addition, playing sports increases the level of endorphins (“happy hormones”), so exercise improves your mood.
  - Go jogging, cycling or swimming. You can also try your hand at one of the fitness programs, such as Zumba or Pilates.
  - Spend at least 30 minutes exercising most days of the week.
5. Avoid using substances that can cause serious harm to your health. During a difficult period in life, it may be tempting to distract yourself with alcohol or drugs. However, such actions are destructive and dangerous. Do not use alcohol or drugs to distract yourself from sadness and negative emotions.
  - Instead, enlist the support of your loved ones and do something that can distract you from negative thoughts.
Keep in touch
1. Communicate with your loved one regularly. If it is possible to maintain contact with a person, do so using modern technologies. You can send text messages, make phone calls, or video chat with him.

Writer Paul Hudson breaks stereotypes to smithereens and puts everything into perspective about “missing” someone!

Are people even capable of getting bored? Or do we simply lack memories of certain people? Perhaps we miss the feelings we felt when we were close to a specific person? Let's try to figure this issue out together now.

You may think that missing someone and missing the memories of someone are the same thing, but in reality, this is far from the case. To be honest, we are almost incapable of loving someone for who they really are. Yes, and miss this particular person, perhaps, too.

In fact, we love and value people not as they are, but as we can imagine them to be - which, in turn, depends on how well we know them. And although such an explanation cannot reassure us, it still gives food for thought to our mind: “why are our emotions, and especially the feeling of love, sometimes so changeable”?

People are bound to have their own conclusions after communicating with other people. It is in our nature, and we are unlikely to ever be able to change it. And when making conclusions about another person, we thereby create in our mind a set of ideas about this person. And as our relationship with him develops, we gradually adjust these ideas at the right moment for us.

However, sometimes it happens that in specific life circumstances our ideas about this person have little in common with reality - and this often leads to the fact that, having achieved the attention of the object of our love, we soon grow cold towards him.

We stop loving a person whom we thought we knew inside and out, precisely because we are faced with reality, and not with our fantasy, and this is far from the same thing. People pass information about other people through the prism of their perception - this is why memories of a particular person can give us a distorted idea of him. And by “reviving” these memories, we introduce additional deformation into them. People are very, very complex individuals.

Sometimes our memories of a person capture him as he really is - or at least as he once was. But at heart we are all incorrigible romantics.

We prefer to remember the feelings we experience in the presence of this or that person, rather than remembering the events themselves.

We focus our attention on strong (and usually pleasant) emotions, allowing them to cloud our memory of that person.

But it also happens that we are not deceiving ourselves at all. Sometimes we really have every reason to miss someone. Unfortunately, the opposite is just as likely. It is very possible that what you are missing is not a specific person, but rather the ideal image of this person in your mind. This person could practically wipe his feet on you, but as soon as a couple of years pass, you will only remember the good things. This is a protective function of our memory.

You miss someone close to you, and this is quite understandable. People don't like being alone. Yes, some of us cope with it better than others, but only out of necessity, not out of choice. There are no people who choose loneliness voluntarily - unless, of course, they are mentally normal.

Yes, we all like to be alone from time to time - but only from time to time. Sooner or later we become too sad and lonely, and we begin to look for at least someone with whom we could share our lives. This is natural, and you should not be ashamed of it. But what we should be ashamed of is longing for people who treated us in a completely inappropriate way. Yes, on special occasions (for example, on a birthday) they could act incredibly nice to us, but there weren’t really that many of these special occasions. Because otherwise they wouldn't have to be called "special cases", right?!

So, if you're longing for someone who constantly hurt you because they didn't care about you, take a deep breath, take a step back, and try to look at things realistically, without leaving any resentment or fantasy in your soul. only concrete facts. You simply cannot afford to meekly endure all the antics of people who take advantage of you and treat you worse than you deserve. You just can’t - that’s all.

You only miss this person when you are alone. But there is actually a very simple way to see the difference between true love and everything else we mistake for it. And, if people feel like they are missing someone from the past, then most likely they are sad or lonely and nothing more, so let’s not complicate our lives and look for new reasons for joy!?!

In those moments when we want to lean on someone, but there is no one nearby, we inevitably look into our past. But this is not love. This is a convulsive grasping at straws in an attempt to stay on the roof. When we reach a bad point in our lives, we don’t want to be alone - because if someone is with us, it will be much easier to endure adversity. We are all human, and therefore we tend to strive to simplify our lives. But this is not real love. This is the loneliness that plays on our nerves. It is this that twists our imagination to the maximum, feeding our memories with false feelings, mostly consisting of a fairly edited reality.

If you only miss someone when your life is going down, don't kid yourself. In fact, you don't need this person at all. But on the other hand, if thoughts about him do not leave you even in the happiest moments - well, congratulations, this person is really worth missing. If at this moment, looking at yourself from the outside, you, first of all, think “Oh, if only I could share this moment with this person”... well, then there can be no doubt - you really love him. After all, it’s not even the person himself that you miss. You miss yourself - the way you were in the company of this person.

When we look back and remember those we once loved, the things we experienced together, and the memories we shared... we are actually remembering ourselves. The way we were when we were together.

People are extremely self-centered. This is our nature. And since we can’t do anything about it, it’s worth accepting it - at least for the purpose of better understanding ourselves. We don’t remember the person we once loved because it’s simply impossible. After all, we never deal directly with the people around us. We interact with our ideas about these people. And these ideas are extremely changeable. We are quite capable, having climbed into the depths of our own memory, to change the way we perceive the people around us, as well as the feelings that we experience towards them.

But be that as it may, the fact remains: those things and people that we consider most important are precisely those things and people who have had the greatest impact on us and our lives. But this is exactly what most people forget: We remember not the people themselves, but how they influenced us. Yes, we remember their actions that caused certain emotions, but in fact, we are almost always interested in the result (those emotions), and not in what caused it.

So it turns out that we miss not even the person himself, but the reality in which we were thanks to his presence. We miss how we felt and who we were when we were with these people. And for good reason - after all, those “we” whom we miss were much better than us now, because now we are lonely, but before this was not the case.

Of course, this could just be a feeling of nostalgia playing out, but be that as it may, this is exactly the reality in which we live - whether we like it or not. People are truly capable of loving the same person “until death do them part.” We are capable of yearning for him, and are quite capable of understanding what we lost when we parted. But not all the people we yearn for are really like that.

Much more often we waste our time, energy and emotions on people who do not deserve our attention. Learn to distinguish between real longing for a person without whom life is not sweet for you, from nostalgia for the old days - and your life will certainly change for the better.

I suspect that we are always bored because we are lonely and have nothing to fill our lives with. This is what makes the person on whom we project our restlessness important to us: supposedly, if he were nearby, then everything would be different... The real, non-projective importance of a person in our life is definitely not determined by the level of boredom or longing for him.

I travel a lot for work and study. My loved ones stay at home. But I rarely miss them, and precisely when there are pauses in interesting work or studying: I’m not busy, boredom arises, a nagging feeling of wasted time - and this boredom is experienced as a “beautiful”, “good” longing for those who are not around. This is also socially approved, like a sign of seriousness and devotion. But no. Boredom and melancholy are a sign of boredom and loss, restlessness, and nothing more.

And when I arrive, I observe the reaction of my twin babies, who don’t know “how to do it right.” Mila says to me: “Dad, I didn’t miss you!” And I praise her: it’s not that I’m “not important” to her. This is about the fact that her life is full, there are other beloved close people nearby, and she and her sister, at 5-6 years old, are up to their ears in figure-gymnastics-swimming-piano... I am important to them. There is no time and no need to be bored. Happy and joyful together.

Masha Martynova

I'm not sure that people only get bored when they're bored. And with a very full life, you can think about a person constantly. Is this a sign that the person is truly important? In my opinion, yes.

I also like Beigbeder’s: “Here you go.” simple test for falling in love: if, after spending four or five hours without your lover, you begin to miss her, then you are not in love - otherwise ten minutes of separation would be enough to make your life absolutely unbearable.”

Utilite Utilitovich

You may miss your people – there are many acquaintances, but not many people you want to be close to. I want to be not in a crowd of people or friends, but next to my person, to be with him all my life, sharing emotions, keeping him close. To figure out who this is for you, think about who you would take with you on a multi-year trip around the world. It’s even easier for adults to understand this. The main thing is not to regret later that you did not spend your best years and time on a person if he is no longer with you. It will simply be your memory.

Anastasia Bodenchuk, philologist

My opinion is the opposite of the psychologist’s: if I miss a person, it means I miss him. I'm used to trusting my feelings. Is this wrong?

Loss or separation requires the use of great mental resources, but even after such difficult events there is an opportunity to find peace, rethink what happened and live in harmony with oneself. Pain and melancholy are natural manifestations of the human psyche. But if you do nothing to change your mood, these feelings will take on a more severe form. To stop missing a person, you need to deal with the difficulties that arise in the soul and overcome them.

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Temporary separation

Psychologists give some advice to those whose friends are far away:

1. Keep count of the days. The visibility of the path overcome will help you concentrate on the desired approach to a pleasant meeting. If you cross out the next date on the wall calendar day after day, not forgetting to mentally congratulate yourself on your victory, the wait will not be burdensome, it will turn into a kind of “journey” from one point in the time period to another.
2. Resort to useful small chores. In order not to constantly think about your loved one, you should direct more attention to everyday or additional activities and activities. Improving your environment is the best way to distract yourself. The time has come to wash the windows, change the curtains, plant some greenery on the window sill or room, and update the façade of the house. This way, the days of separation will bring some joy and will not respond with sadness.
3. Plan a long-term project. The burden of waiting is easily compensated by doing responsible and long-term work. If it is possible to notify the partner about upcoming plans, this will mobilize all efforts to complete them in anticipation of the general joy of the results.
4. Use Internet communications. Modern methods of communication and exchange of information at a distance will help: Skype, e-mail, postcards. Every message sent leaves a person waiting for a response. A separation distributed in this way over segments will fly by easily and unnoticed.
5. Do not reject communication with other people.

Attention and time are valuable resources, and often for some people, surrounded by a family or an overly busy person, there is not a free day or hour. Therefore, this period can be used to visit friends and forgotten acquaintances, distant relatives.

I'm afraid to communicate with people

Final separation

When finalizing a separation, a number of recommendations should be taken into account:

1. Allow time to cope with emotions after separation from a loved one. The accumulated negativity must come out before you can begin to live a normal life.
2. Experience the longing for the stages. To overcome grief more easily, you should navigate its typical stages: denial, shock, rumination, depression, anger, resignation - each of which will take a longer or shorter period of time. There is no need to rush: healing mental wounds is an important process, after which something new will begin.
3. Get rid of painful memories. When difficult emotions have been experienced, care should be taken to ensure that nothing from the past reminds of the former relationship. Some personal items that remind you of a person who is no longer alive, or of those who have long been estranged from a warm friendship in the past, are best removed from sight, given to loved ones for safekeeping, and some are thrown away. Friends can provide invaluable support.
4. Avoid contact with your ex-partner. If you are confident that the relationship will end, you should not allow ambiguous behavior or messages with the question “how are you? " When meeting at a place of work or study, an exchange of greetings is sufficient. It’s better to delete existing pages on social networks, otherwise it will only get worse.
5. Let go of your loved one. It is not for nothing that there are rituals and farewell ceremonies: from a psychological point of view, this allows you to develop the right attitude towards a person who has passed away or left forever, to preserve the memory of the best years with gratitude to him for everything beautiful, understanding that the past cannot be returned. A good solution is to allow yourself to write a letter to a person with whom you have strong feelings, expressing pain, anger, love, informing him about the end of the current state, about goodbye and the transition to a new phase of life. But do not send the written letter.
6. Start new relationships. The opportunity to meet will appear after all the stages of separation have been completed. Shortening this interval will do harm: the character traits of a new friend may remind you of a former lover. You should spend time with friends and family, which will help you restore strength and once again feel your own value and significance. You can seek help from a psychotherapist.
7. Change your habits. If everything has found its shape and “taste” with your ex-partner, then it is worth purposefully changing the established traditions. There is no need to visit favorite places in the past, ways of entertainment, or meet with mutual acquaintances.
8. Fill the void. The resulting freedom should be used for self-development, work on your qualities, if there was not enough time for this before, new things to do, a career, an unusual hobby (yoga, photography, playing musical instrument, language learning).

Each person accumulates and expresses the emotions inherent in his psyche in a way acceptable to him. Someone cries, and someone leaves entries in a personal diary - putting thoughts on paper helps to realize what is happening in the soul and speed up psychological healing. At strong feelings you should distance yourself from the public, content with your circle of closest friends and relatives. When there are a large number of people, the feeling of fatigue becomes stronger and communication becomes unnatural.