Funny stories about sri yaputra. Selected parables of Tao-cacao Tao of cocoa parables

Clap with one hand

Master Chhishvabrasvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here!
Thus Shri Yaputra became a teacher.

Tao Cocoa

Shri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Tao teachers were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They argued about something for the second week.
- To go nuts ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Shizdanut… - objected Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I, perhaps, will go ... - said Yaputra and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

Once upon a time there was an excellent shooter. Hit the coin for a kilometer. The king arranged a shooting competition. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid miss - head from his shoulders. The shooter pulled the string, and went blind from excitement, his hands were shaking ... He fired an arrow. The arrow went straight to the king's head.
- Like a fucking pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and gave the shooter 2 bags of gold.

The monk brightened up. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
Ho passed by his room Yaputra in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And accidentally went to the monk's room. Having taken a nap, Yaputra started the clock and the clock started running again. And the monk became again a normal person. And kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

One day, after drinking cocoa, Sri Yaputra bet Chhishvabraswan that he could teach people Zen no worse than Tao-cacao.
A month later, the monastery took first place in the world competition of brass bands. Both the jury and the audience were amazed by the unprecedented manner of young "musicians" playing on steel crowbars, calling them "an iron flute without holes." By the way, there were no holes there - but they played!
A crowd of excited reporters surrounded the teacher.
- Tell me, Mr. Japutra, how did your team manage to achieve such performance heights using such strange instruments?
- It's simple. It's all about my magic conductor's baton - replied Sri Yaputra, gently waving his staff.

Fuck it nah… th it's Dao! cried Shri Yaputra, standing in front of the disciples.
The students began to look at each other, thinking about how to interpret these words.
“You are part of the Tao,” the Master hinted.

sublime laziness

- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.

straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a student. Master Chhishvabraswan said:
“Remember, Yaputra, the straight tree is always cut first. Become crooked!
"So that's why you're such a dungeon!" Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

galloped

The teacher Chhishvabrashvan argued with his former student Yaputra about the illusory nature of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! Chhishvabrashvan ranted.
- Oh, so no? - Shri Yaputra said thoughtfully and wrapped Chhishvabrashvan with a chair, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra once again outran his former teacher.

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former teacher Chhishvabrashwan. They argued for a while, gossiped, ran into anecdotes, blew bumps.
Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- That is, as?! This is my house! Chhishvabrashwan was surprised.
- Are you completely crazy? Fuck off, you old bastard! cried Yaputra and drove Chhishvabrasvan out. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

Once Sri Yaputra was meditating. He sat in the lotus position with his eyes closed and mentally wished health and happiness to all people on Earth. Suddenly, outside the walls of the monastery, some grandmother began to wail.
“May you die, old hag!” thought Yaputra.
And he continued his pious activities.

Sri Yaputra at breakfast dropped his favorite collectible kakavnik made of the finest Chinese porcelain. Not a single thought clouded the purity of his deepest bliss. With a calm smile, he picked up the pieces and threw them away.
The students realized that tuition fees were going up again.

Instead of an afterword

On that terrifying river of the Battlefield of Kurukshetra, Which the Pandavas triumphantly crossed, Bhishma and Drona were like the high banks, Jayadratha the river water, the King of Gandhara the blue water lily, Shalya the shark, Krpa the current, Karna the mighty waves, Ashvatthama and Vikarna - Terrible crocodiles, And Duryodhama - whirlpool.
(an excerpt is also from some Krishnaite crap)
To clear the cup of your brain after reading The Joy of the Blind Crying Monkey, you are invited to meditate. To do this, you must read the following mantra aloud 500 times: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The Teaching of Tao-Kakao is perfect, because there is no niren!!!

Sri Yaputra(Ind. श्री यपुत्र) is a collective image of an Eastern sage, Zen master. The character of numerous stories parodying Zen and Taoist parables. It is usually mentioned in the context of the teachings he professed Tao-Kakao - a parody of Zen Buddhism. Permanent character of posts in LiveJournal communities Tao Cocoa

Possesses irrational thinking and bad character (which is typical for the great teachers of Tao-Kakao). He often swears, but does it solely for the purpose of helping his students achieve enlightenment.

Tao-Cacao in general, and Sri Yaputra in particular, were invented by Ramuald Kakandokalo, a famous (including on the Boa constrictor) creative from Tallinn. The main parables about the complex monastic life were written from 1999 to 2001.

Also, some time ago, a small collection of parables with the participation of a subject was posted on the Xakep website. Actually, the acquaintance of many Ananimus with the teachings of Tao-Cocoa began with him.

As mentioned above, the stories about Sri Yaputra have a parodic character and are usually sneered at the similarity and abstruseness of Zen parables, and the Yidao discourse in general. Story examples:

One day, a homeless-looking sage came to the monastery of Sri Yaputra, leaning on a stick.
- Where is your teacher? he asked the students.
“In the city, the second week in drunken meditation,” Nivhuril replied.
The homeless sage nodded with satisfaction and asked:
“Who knows at what stage of training a seeker is allowed to have his own kakaynik?”
The disciples, putting on a wise look on their unwise faces, began vying with each other and inappropriately quoting Tao-Cocoa and other nonsense.
— WRONG! the homeless sage suddenly thundered. “Only Shri Yaputra knows.
With these words, he threw off his homeless look, and everyone saw that the sage is the Teacher himself. After that, they were thrashed with a stick, which was actually a staff.

Once, standing in the village square, Sri Yaputra saw a huge, terrible dog rushing towards him.
“Stop, big dog, stop!” whispered Yaputra, numb with horror.
The dog, running up to the teacher, lifted its leg and sprinkled his sandals and ran on about its dog business. Seeing all this, the peasants began to laugh and point at Sri Yaputra.
“Unfortunate ones, it was the spirit of the heavenly dog Tengu, who overshadowed me with his grace!” Shri Yaputra shouted, and the detractors fell to their knees, struck by the sacredness of the moment and their unworthy behavior. Carrying numerous offerings from the square, Sri Yaputra thought that he should get himself a strong staff, because there is nothing better than a good club against any creature that publicly tries to piss on your feet.

Mountain China, Zhuang Zhou Monastery. Year from the Nativity of Christ 853rd.
Someone asked Lin Tzu:
- What is a mother?
“Greed and passion are the mother,” answered the master, “When with a concentrated consciousness we enter the sensual world, the world of passions and desires, and try to find all these passions, but we see only the emptiness behind them, when there are no attachments anywhere, this is called killing our mother!.
- Fuck your mother! Sri Yaputra was impressed

The beginning of the teachings of Tao-Cocoa, according to available information, was laid by a certain septemberman (aka establishman), who wrote the first parables at the turn of the millennium. Subsequently, all of them were included in the academic edition.

Zen and poker. Or the origins of the teachings of Tao-Cocoa.
Today I want to tell you, Cacao Taoists, how the Tao Cacao teaching actually originated. Why exactly cocoa, and not tea (more traditional, by the way, drink for the East).
Tao-Cocoa originated in Japan in the middle of the eighteenth century.
It was like this:

The Zen master Hakuin used to talk to his students about an old woman who ran a tea shop, and he praised her understanding of Zen. The disciples refused to believe this and went to the store to see for themselves. Whenever the old woman met them, she could immediately tell whether they had come for tea or to see her understanding of Zen. On the first occasion, she graciously gave them tea. In the second, she asked the students to go behind the screen. As soon as they entered there, she beat them there with a poker. Nine out of ten couldn't get away from her.
The tenth disciple, as you may have guessed, was Yaputra. Who immediately brightened up, but since then he could no longer see the poker or the tea. For this reason, he switched to cocoa and named the new, perfect teaching he created in honor of this delicious drink. Later, when Sri Yaputra's enlightenment became perfect, he knew the true essence of cocoa.

Nivhuril

He is Nivkuril. The collective image of a devoted disciple of Sri Yaputra. The constant hero of instructive stories.

One day the teacher Shri Yaputra found the following note in his cell: “Nivhuril has never come close to enlightenment, instruct the erring one how to follow the path of the true Tao-Cocoa. Well-wishers."
"Huyase!" - Yaputra was amazed and went to a neighboring cell to admonish the erring disciples.
"So that!" grinned the sly stsuko Nivkhuril in the nearby bushes, one step closer to enlightenment.

“Dear grandfather Shri Yaputra,” Nivkuril scribbled after soaking his ink with tears. - Get me out of here.
In their monastery there is a horror of something. And what a fool I was to run away.
They don't let you eat here. And not because “you don’t have to eat”, like at home, but to grow spiritually.
And there is no cocoa, but only tea, and even the abbot drinks it like a complete fool.
And they also beat with a stick, not just the way you beat, but with a meaning: so that I would be enlightened. And I don't care.
I told them: “Go to hell,” I say, “with your Zen Buddhism!”
But they were not happy, but took a jade buddha, and began to poke me in the muzzle with it.
Take me, grandfather, from this almshouse! I don't have any strength...
Wiping his tears with his sleeve, Nivkuril signed at the bottom:
"Is yours,
as always,
Nivkuril"

- and tore his message out of the paper sliding partition.

"Teacher, why do you keep mixing vodka with beer?" one of his disciples once addressed Yaputra. Another time, he would certainly have hit his back with a staff, but this time the Teacher was in a good mood and decided to make fun of the upstart. “Here is a bottle of beer, youth,” with these words Yaputra raised the vessel he held in his right hand. “Its strength is 4.6°. It's pretty small. And here is vodka,” Yaputra lifted the bottle he held in his left hand so that the student could take a closer look at it in the rays of the setting sun. “Her fortress is forty degrees. And the planet we are on is inclined with respect to the plane of the ecliptic at an angle of 32.5 °. By mixing beer with vodka in a ratio of 1:3.72, I compensate for this angle, and see things as they are. The teacher finished the story and took a sip from both hands. The student did not understand any of this, for he was not strong in astronomy and arithmetic. After waiting a couple more minutes until Yaputra still warmed him up well, but having waited for this, he went down to the cellar, where, without asking, he drank half a liter of beer and 1.86 liters of vodka in one gulp. Enlightenment was not long in coming.

Talented student

— O Great Master, show me the way of Tao-Kakao!

“Yes, okay, I’ll teach you the Tao-Cacao.” But you're not ready for that right now. You must fast for a year, only after that I will teach you.

“Great Master, I have been fasting for a year, show me the way of Tao-Kakao!”
Sri Yaputra replied:
— Yes, I will teach you the way of Tao-Kakao, but for this you have to work on yourself. For three years, every morning, meditate on the rising of the sun, and every evening, meditate on its setting.

- Great master! For three years I meditated every morning and contemplated the sunrise and every evening its sunset. Teach me the way of Tao-Cacao!

“Fuck yourself,” said Sri Yaputra.

One day, a young man approached Sri Yaputra with a bow, introducing himself as "Badonak of Babrui". Diligently pronouncing all the letters of his unusual speech, he said: "God, Yaputro! Aftars dao_kakao are burning, stsukko, hellish hundreds! F mimariz! Rzhunimagu scum. The teacher sighed and then something very strange happened - Yaputra looked at Nivhuril and for the first time handed him his staff. Nivhuril understood everything and fucked the bastard with a staff on the back. The padonak ran away. "And nippet." - said Yaputra, to whom Nivhuril returned the staff with a bow.

Sri Yaputra was meditating when the disciples came running and said: - Then a dervish with a magic donkey came from distant countries: when the Real Enlightened Teacher is next to this animal, the donkey starts screaming! And so - he is always silent - and cautiously asked: - do not you want to see? With a quick step, Sri Yaputra went outside the gates of the monastery and, without slowing down, with all his might, kicked the magic donkey in the balls with his magic staff. The donkey screamed wildly and ran away.

Once a prostitute came to Shri Yaputra and said: “Elder, explain to me one simple thing. You lived for many years and your wisdom is legendary among the people. Your doors are always open for people: you are ready to help everyone, you can give any advice, teach how to get out of any most difficult and confusing situation. But the road to your monastery has long been overgrown with grass - people do not come to you. I am from a poor family. God didn't give me a mind or an opportunity to get an education. Yes, and my beauty over time, my wear and tear over time ... And despite this, the road to my house is wide and many people constantly visit it. Why it happens? By that time, curious students had gathered around. One of them, hoping to win the Master's praise, exclaimed: “You know, going up is always harder than going down. That's the reason!” Yaputra paused and watched the woman's reaction. Her face expressed complete bewilderment. “I, too, wise guy, have read books,” Yaputra said with a smile and added, “Come, I will personally explain everything to you.” For several hours, a woman's enthusiastic exclamations could be heard from behind the closed door. "Oh yeah! YES!" she shouted, obviously agreeing with every word of Yaputra. When she finally came out, many students began to bite their elbows with envy - her face was so enlightened.

Shri Yaputra walked along the line of disciples and slowly announced: - Rumors that I am a stupid bullock, unable to communicate with people without hitting this one, - he raised his right hand, - with a staff, are greatly exaggerated. For example, in communicating with unmarried residents of a neighboring village, I do fine without him. As well as in communication with the seller of the meditative mixture, with the dearest Ra Stafari, as well as with many other respectable people. And anyway, why go far for examples? Even you mutts I can teach - without using it at all the highest degree enlightening staff! One of the students shouted out of line disrespectfully: - Then why do you carry it around with you all the time, Teacher?! Shri Yaputra approached the shouter and, painfully stepping on his foot, answered: - He is cool.

One day, an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He cursed Shpi Yaputra and assured him that he would knock him down. He was really an excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery column of energy. And such a master challenged Yaputre. Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: "In the worst case, I'll give up!" and accepted the challenge. As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually vanished into thin air, then turned into a pillar of fire. A cold sweat broke out on Sri Yaputra's forehead and he begged, "Surrender!" The zendo master again took on a human form and, smiling maliciously, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Sri Yaputra gave him a deaf face. The zendo master passed out.

: Master Chhishvabrashvan once asked his student Yaputra: - What does clapping with one palm sound like? Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face. - Not quite true, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here! Thus Sri Yaputra became a teacher.
: The students once asked the Teacher Yaputra: - Teacher, your parables are hard to understand! Often your words are just like crap! - Crap - a true compliment for my parables. They do not fit in the mind, and this is important! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself do not understand what I am talking about ... You must be able to add legs to a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what is realized! - the Teacher was angry. Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically precipitated (meditated)

: Sri Yaputra meditated. Coming out, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest sipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and fucked prostitutes. He went to the toilet all the time with the books of Sri Yaputra, and apparently he did not read them there - they were getting thinner. Yaputpa knocked on the priest's door, ostensibly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such kicks that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa.

The disciples approached Sri Yaputra and asked: - Master, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But it, we heard, nefig how harmful. And when we get out of rapture, we feel disgusting: everything is gray and miserable... - Don't get out of rapture! muttered Yaputra, looking off into the distance with glassy eyes...
"Master, why don't you let us eat meat, while you quietly crack sausages at night?" - asked Nivhuril.
"Do you think if I let you crack it, I'll have something left?" - sincerely surprised Sri Yaputra.
“Well, we won’t eat all of it ...” Nivhuril began timidly.
"Of course you won't!" Shri Yaputra flashed his eyes, reaching out for his staff.

One day his disciple Nivhuril came to Sri Yaputra.
“Master, please return my watch,” he asked timidly.
- Nothing in the world is yours. Yours is only a name. Remember that and get out of here, Chicky Pook.
- But this is not mine ... - Nivhuril objected.
- You see, even the name is not yours! Shri Yaputra interrupted him and looked at his watch. "Now get out, I'm having lunch."

Nivhuril comprehended the Tao Cacao for so long and persistently under the guidance of Shri Yaputra that he achieved many siddhis, although he had not yet attained enlightenment. Once he went somewhere on Dharma business, but the river suddenly blocked his way. That is, it would be quite expected, but if Nivhuril bothered to look at the map. There was also a ferry with a boatman, but he demanded a rupee for transportation, and Nivhuril had lost the last rupee somewhere shortly before that. Having unsuccessfully quarreled with the boatman, who categorically refused to transport him free of charge out of respect for the Cacao Dharma, Nivhuril spat, crossed the river on water aki on dry land and went on.

When he returned to the monastery, he told this story to Sri Yaputra, in the hope that he would praise him. Idiot, - replied Sri Yaputra, taking a sip from the kakaynik. The whole price of your ability to walk on water is a rupee. With these words, he fucked him with a staff, and from a blow from somewhere in the folds of Nivhuril's clothes, a rupee fell out - the very one that he could not find at the crossing. This one, - added Sri Yaputra, took a rupee for himself and drove Nivhuril out of his cell - to meditate.

One day Nivhuril woke up in complete darkness.
- Where I am? How much did I sleep? Who is there? he got excited.
“You are dead,” replied the voice of Sri Yaputra. - And this is the last flash of your consciousness, which I hold with my will to inform you that you have not been enlightened.
- And it's all?
- Everything.
The next morning, Nivhuril woke up and went to wash his sheet.
It was the second of April.

On a moonlit night, Sri Yaputra sat in a boat in the middle of a lake and meditated.

Suddenly his silence was interrupted by a side-to-side crash from another boat.

Fuck your Tao! So that you suffer forever with an allegory to Zen! .. - Sri Yaputra began, but then he carefully looked at the boat that prevented him and saw that it was empty.

An insight immediately descended on Sri Yaputra that he would not receive pistols now and he continued to swear with tripled strength.

Teacher, can I listen to my inner voice?
- To his - no. To mine, you can.
- Omanki!

Here is an eight for you, here is a jack for you, and here are the sixes on jiapao! - young Sri Yaputra laid the cards on the table and grabbed the won coins.
“Actually, we play chess,” the opponent was indignant.
Sri Yaputra did not lose his head and answered the impudent obscenity. But he did not let up, demanding the return of the coins and calling others to witness. Then the young sage grabbed a stick lying on the ground, beat his opponent with it and sedately took to his heels.
“Wise beyond his years,” the people whispered admiringly.

In the evening the disciples asked Sri Yaputra questions.
Someone asked:
"Master, can the enlightened be wrong?"
Shri Yaputra, without hesitation, cracked his staff quietly sitting opposite Nivhuril.
"Master! This is some kind of mistake! I didn't ask that stupid question!" - exclaimed the dumbfounded Nivhuril.
"But I didn't answer you, debater!" - said Yaputra and reinforced his answer with another, therapeutic, blow.

http://magiaworld.org.ru/punbb/viewtopic.php?id=3328
Instructive parables associated with the name of the Great teacher of Tao - Sri Yaputra

Master Chhishvabrasvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, gave the Teacher a slap in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace from here to...!
Thus Shri Yaputra became a teacher.

Sri Yaputra was sleeping. He dreamed that he was a butterfly, carelessly fluttering from flower to flower. Suddenly, Shri Yaputra (being a butterfly) saw that another butterfly was flying towards him from a neighboring flower. This butterfly had tired eyes and a gray fluff around the proboscis. In addition, this butterfly seemed vaguely familiar to Yaputra! Flying closer, the butterfly said:
So, I don't get it, what the hell are you doing here?
“I am a butterfly,” Sri Yaputra honestly confessed, “and I am carelessly fluttering from flower to flower.
- What the hell is a butterfly?! Well, wake up! No you, to edren, not a butterfly! Falling asleep while meditating again?! I'll show you!
With these words, the gray-haired butterfly painfully hit Yaputra with something hard on the head. From the blow, he instantly woke up and saw his teacher Chhishvabrasvan with a bamboo stick in front of him. This story helped Shri Yaputra to realize his own nature and that he is not a butterfly, to hell with it.

Once, when Shri Yaputra himself was not yet a teacher, but only a student of Chhishvabrasvan, the two of them went for a walk. When they reached the neighboring city, they crossed it and came out from the other end. Then the teacher and student went along the rocky road to the mountains. After walking for some time, they stopped in front of a small, squat house. Several people were already standing in front of him. Coming closer, Sri Yaputra realized that they were students of other teachers. Chhishvabrashvan told Yaputra to wait for him at the door, and he himself entered the house.
Several hours passed, it was getting dark. Sri Yaputra was languishing with boredom. The other students sat around and meditated. Some time passed, clouds covered the sky, it began to rain. The house was built in such a way that there was nowhere to hide from the rain, except inside. There was no forest nearby, and it was a long walk to the city. The students were still meditating, not paying attention to the raging elements. After some thought, Shri Yaputra pushed open the door and entered the house. He immediately found himself in a large warm and dry room, teachers were sitting in it and were silent about something of their own. Looking at Shri Yaputra, they reached for their staves, stood up and
kicked him out into the street. After sitting for a couple more hours in a puddle and not in a better mood, Yaputra waited for the rain to end. Chhishvabrashvan immediately came out and gestured that they were returning to the monastery.
"Master, it was raining so hard outside, why couldn't I wait out warmly?" asked Sri Yaputra when they had gone a good distance from the house. "You shouldn't have been thinking about wet clothes," Chhishvabrashwan shook his head and continued on his way.
"Why, then, did the teachers calmly wait out the rain inside, and not outside?" The student continued to inquire. "Each of us has learned this lesson at one time or another.
And you, as I see it, have not yet mastered it," Chhishvabrashvan sighed and turned away, "I'll have to repeat it."
"Yes, you all go to the ass," thought Sri Yaputra, "the teachers sit in the warmth, simply because they are teachers, and the students get wet in the rain, simply because they are students." After weighing the pros and cons, Sri Yaputra decided to become a teacher himself.

The young man came to Sri Yaputra:
“O Great Master, show me the way of Tao!”
Shri Yaputra was lazy to wave his staff, and he said, grinning maliciously:
“Yes, okay, I’ll teach you the Tao.” But you're not ready for that right now. You must fast for a year, only after that I will teach you.
The young man left, and returned a year later:
“Great Master, I have been fasting for a year, show me the way of Tao!”
Sri Yaputra replied:
“Yes, I will teach you the way of the Tao, but for this you must work on yourself. For three years, every morning, meditate on the rising of the sun, and every evening, meditate on its setting.
The young man left. But three years later he returned:
- Great master! For three years I meditated every morning and contemplated the sunrise and every evening its sunset. Teach me the way of the Tao!
“Yes, I will teach you,” said Sri Yaputra. “But first you must learn to hover at a height of 5 li from the ground.
The young man left. But five years later he returned:
- Great master. For five years every day I devoted myself to training, and now I can hover above the ground, said the young man and hovered at a height of 5 li from the ground.
"Don't give a damn," said Sri Yaputra.

Pyuan had very tight boots. Pyuan suffered greatly, he could not throw away his shoes, as he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but
Master Yaputra came and broke both of Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the shoes fit him just right. Pyuan, on the other hand, spent half a year in the hospital and, having gone out, came to the teacher and bowed as a token of gratitude, something saved his life by getting rid of his shoes. The teacher sent him to hell with an angry scolding, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his boots. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

Once Chhishvabrashvan gathered his students and began to load them with various common truths.
“Having a brush, you can paint over any thing in this world with it,” the Teacher said tediously. “But it cannot paint itself. Only having two brushes, you can paint over absolutely everything, including themselves.
“Just like one Zen Master is able to piss off anyone but himself, and two really really anyone!” one of the students sitting in the back row remarked to this. Soon he also became a teacher. Have you already guessed who it was?

Once Shri Yaputra was invited to fight club. He carried with him two staffs and a spiked brass knuckles. Master of Tao is above some kind of rules.

One day, Sri Yaputra, peacefully drinking cocoa in the morning, was visited by his most hopeless disciple. As soon as he crossed the threshold of the teacher's hut, Sri Yaputra, without saying a word, struck him with his staff with all his might.
- Why, teacher? - shouted the most hopeless student hit with a bamboo stick, - I haven’t had time to ask anything yet!
- That's the point, - replied Sri Yaputra, - what's the point of beating you after you ask your stupid question?

When young Yapurta was first asked to repay the debt, he began to babble such nonsense that those who came thought for a moment, and Yaputra fled under the guise. It was then that the future great Teacher first realized the power of the parable.

Once the great Teacher Shri Yaputra was walking with his disciples through the forest and talked at length about the search for his own Path. At the large oak tree, Yaputra let the disciples go ahead, while he himself remained standing with a blissful grin. A second later, around the corner, the shrieks of students were heard running away from a flock of wild wasps. "Truly, it is dangerous to follow the untrodden path," said the great Teacher, and took a sip of the bottle.

Once Shri Yaputra lost his fear, shame and conscience.
It happened on the day he found the Tao.

Shri Yaputra's disciples, after endless meditations knee-deep in mud under pouring rain and piercing wind, approached Yaputra with complaints.
- Come to your senses! - the Teacher rebuked them, - There is no difference where exactly to strive for enlightenment!
- Why do you, Teacher, always meditate in warmth and comfort? the students tried to object.
- So what? There is no difference anyway, - Sri Yaputra was sincerely surprised.

One day, a beggar ragamuffin approached Sri Yauptra and said: “I was a great teacher for 40 years, led an unrighteous life, beat students, drank and abused women. All my parables were false or crazy. When everything was revealed, people turned their backs on me and drove me away. before it's too late, you too!" Shri Yaputra hit the ragamuffin with a stick and walked away, thinking to himself: "His story is false! A real great teacher would never be seen through."

One day the disciples decided to enlighten Yaputra, made themselves bamboo staffs and began to try to break him with cunts. The battle went on for a very long time... Cheerful and fresh, the Teacher looked at his broken staff and thought: "What am I going to enlighten now?"... "And whom?" - the Teacher thought, looking around.

One day Master Chhishvabrashwan decided to demonstrate to his students what a team spirit is. He took a broom, pulled a twig out of it and gave it to his disciple, Sri Yaputra. "Break it," Master said. Yaputra grunted, but the twig broke. “Now try to break it,” said Shhishvabrashvan and handed Yaputra a broom. The young student did not expect such meanness, but he gathered himself, puffed himself up with all his might, blushed, and broke the broom. "Yes, you will never know the Tao!" said the Teacher.

Once Shri Yaputra came to his then teacher Chhishvabrasvan and asked:
Why do people value emptiness?
“There is nothing of value in emptiness,” Chhishvabrashvan replied and continued. It's not about the name...
- Yes, I thought so! Idiots! Shri Yaputra exclaimed and left the room.
“There is nothing better than peace, there is nothing better than emptiness…” Chhishvabrashvan muttered after him in confusion.

In his youth, Sri Yaputra was well-read and observant.
“Every student goes further than his teacher,” he told Chhishvabrasvan.
“Then get on…!” Master was offended. Thus Yaputra found his Path in life.

One day the disciples brought 60 jugs of white wine and 60 jugs of red wine to the Master, and...
- The fable is about to begin, - Shri Yaputra rejoiced.

Master Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful! But then a butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children! Thinking Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit! The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonade for nothing.

Once Sri Yaputra found his disciple sitting with an enthusiastic face.
- Teacher, looking at the running water, I see harmony and eternity.
- You comprehend Zen, - said the Teacher and smiled. “Now turn off the faucet, grab the yoke and buckets, and go get water, and just try not to put a full tank in the evening, contemplative!” - with these words, Yaputra gave the student a powerful slap on the back of the head.

Once the Great Teacher Shri Yaputra saw wonderful melons growing in the field.
“Go and get me a melon,” he said to one of the students.
The student picked the ripest melon and was about to take it to the teacher, when suddenly a peasant ran up to him and punched him in the face.
All in tears and snot, the disciple returned to Sri Yaputra and said:
- Teacher! This spiritually undeveloped and dark peasant did not let me bring you a melon!
Sri Yaputra was angry that he was left without lunch and dashed off the student again.
“Master,” the unlucky student turned to Shri Yaputra after some time, “you hit me in the face today and an illiterate and uneducated peasant gave me the same today. Why do everyone consider you the Great Teacher, and him - a simple peasant?
“It is because the peasant fucked you out of greed, and I out of concern for your karma,” Sri Yaputra explained good-naturedly.

One day Chhishvabrasvan was visited by his brother Physelosoyu. He hasn't eaten in two weeks, and he ran out of money a year ago. Physelosoyu was counting on Chhishvabrashwan to give him some food. Unfortunately, Chhishvabrashvan had been in an enlightened state for two months now. Yaputra, who guarded his calmness, did not know Physelosoya. He gave him cuffs and kicked him out. Physelosoyu decided to drown himself out of grief and went to the river. There, however, someone else had already drowned himself, at the same time leaving a note, a wallet and a watch on the shore. Physelosoyu threw out the note, ate his wallet so as not to die on the way to the market, and decided to sell the watch. At the market, he ate, found himself a modest home for little money and began to trade in watermelons and lived richly and happily. Not everything is as bad as it really is. A couple of years later, Physelosoyu went to Chhishvabrashvan, found Yaputra, thanked him and returned the cuffs. With interest.

After one of his meetings with a seller of pornographic postcards, Sri Yaputra began to spend more and more time in seclusion.
One day one of the disciples forgot to knock and entered the room of Shri Yaputra.
- Teacher! What are you doing?! - the student was taken aback.
- We see only what we want to see, - calmly retorted Sri Yaputra.

teacher why when different people they ask you the same question, you answer one and you don't answer the other?
- It is impossible not to answer the right question, - explained Sri Yarutra, - Because even if you keep silent...

Once the great teacher Sri Yaputra met Jesus Christ. And Jesus asked:
Who do you think I am?
And Shri Yaputra answered him:
- You are an irrational product of the existential thinking of many people who are not ready to put up with the imperfection of the world around them and therefore came up with a symbol ...
And Jesus cried out:
— Chavo?!
And then Yaputra took out a stick and beat Jesus with it. So that it would be discourteous to interrupt the great teacher.

Sri Yaputra always told his disciples:
“A real sage is a person who no longer thinks. He knows.
One day one of the students timidly raised his hand and asked:
“Master, I didn’t understand: if a sage doesn’t know something, how can he acquire new knowledge without thinking?
— And what's incomprehensible here? Yaputra was surprised. “If a sage doesn’t know something, then he doesn’t need it.

Sri Yaputra sat on the steps of his house and, smoking, meditated slowly after a heavy meal, while the disciples swept the yard. Suddenly Shri Yaputra opened his eyes and turned to one of the disciples with the words:
Do you see that bucket hanging on the tree over there?
- Yes teacher!
"Sit beside me, I want to test you." I will take pebbles from the ground and throw them into a bucket, and you should meditate. For every mistake I make, I will beat you with a stick. Understandably?
The apprentice almost wept, for the bucket was hanging on a tree thirty paces from the house, but he obeyed. Everyone else stopped their work and watched him, grinning.
Sri Yaputra threw the first stone, hit a tree and immediately hit the disciple with a stick. He gritted his teeth and didn't say a word. Shri Yaputra threw a second stone - it bounced off the bucket with a clang - and hit the student even harder. The apprentice doubled over from the blow, but was able to remain silent again. Sri Yaputra threw a third stone, missed by five cubits, and hit the disciple again with a stick. He screamed, rubbed the bruised place, then jumped up and rushed with all his might to the tree. Taking the bucket off him, he came back, placed the bucket at the feet of Shri Yaputra and sat down in his former place.
- Go on, Master! he said with a smile.
- Respect! Sri Yaputra replied and gave it a couple of puffs.

Clap with one hand

Master Chhishvabrashwan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face.
- Not quite true, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace
get out from here!
Thus Sri Yaputra became a teacher.

Tao Cocoa

Did Sri Yaputra enter the room where two Tao Masters were sitting? Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They were arguing about something for the second week.
- Ayayay... - said Master Cao-jin.
- Oyoyoy... - Master Raprishnsh-vutra objected.
- If what you say is Tao, then I, perhaps, will go... - said Yaputra and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cocoa.

Life is perfect

Master Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market:
- Life is wonderful!
But then a butcher came up to him and said:
- What makes you think so, Master? I personally have little money
I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
Thinking, Yaputpa replied:
- You're right, your life is shit!
The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilo of carbonate for nothing.

perfect man

When Yaputra was a student, he and the Master took daily walks in search of manifestations of Zen. Master Chhishvabrashwan told stories:
- The eternal bird Phoenix flew over the owl. The owl ate the decomposed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take away its prey, pressed the rat to itself with all its might. She did not know that a decomposed rat to the Phoenix was up to the lantern!
- You know what, Teacher, but could you manage in your stories without any decomposed rats and other fucking shit, by God, it's unpleasant to listen to ... - admitted Yaputra.
- You are an asshole, Yaputpa! - remarked Chhishvabpashvan without any ulterior motive. Yaputpa was offended.
- You should not be offended, Yaputpa. In Zen, an asshole is a sage! - encouraged the Teacher.
- Yes, I had your Zen ... - Shpi Yaputra grumbled.

Attribute legs to the snake

The disciples once asked Master Yaputra:
- Teacher, your parables are hard to understand! Often your words just remind
f***!
- Fuck - a true compliment for my parables. They do not fit in the mind, and this is important! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself do not understand that
I'm carrying... You must be able to add legs to a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what is realized! - the Teacher was angry. Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically
precipitated (meditated).

Step on the foot (leader)

Master Sri Yaputra instructed his students:
- If you step on the foot of a random passerby, you are very sorry. If a friend - sorry, but less. If to a relative - do not apologize at all!
- What if I step on your foot, Master? - asked the student.
- You'll get bread! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the masters of Tao say that the leader is always an idiot! You are our
leader?! - the stubborn student did not let up.
- You are with me, your mother, you will definitely get it! - summed up Sri Yaputra.

Hemoy (no head)

When Yaputra was a student, one day he entered the Master's room
Chhishvabrashvana saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting in front of a man who was silently eating.
- What are you doing, Master? asked Sri Yaputra.
- I'm talking to a mute... - answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, it's clear... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! added the teacher.
- It is visible ... - Yaputra casually threw and left the room.

sublime laziness

The students sat and meditated on the koan about the staff. And then they saw the Teacher Yaputra, who was walking along the street, singing a song cheerfully:
- Hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The disciples were quite surprised and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he threw up. It became obvious that the Teacher was as narrow as a melon. Only then were the students able to understand the meaning of the phrase spoken by the Teacher the day before: "Just give way! If you want to be an alcoholic, be one!"

Master Chhishvabrashvan was sitting and meditating near the fence. He painted hieroglyphs of peace and humility with a soft brush. But then the owner of the fence came out - a Russian by nationality. He did not understand hieroglyphs and with the words "And what
fig, you pissed off the whole fence for me?" He pushed the Teacher on the head with a shovel.
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said:
- Truly speak to people in an understandable language!
After that, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he came out 5 years later enlightened.

two monks

Two monks were walking along the road. Both were quite hungry. suddenly
one of them noticed a stick lying by the road.
- Let's eat this stick! he suggested.
- She's not edible! - said the second monk.
- How do you know without trying? - the monk asked and bit the stick.
All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- You don't have to try everything to know! - said the second monk and
n ****** with the first foot in the inguinal region.

When the shoes don't fit

Pyuan had very tight boots. Pyuan suffered greatly, but could not throw away his shoes, as he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Master Yaputra came, broke both Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the boots fit him just right. Pyuan, on the other hand, spent half a year in the hospital and, coming out, came to the Teacher and bowed as a token of gratitude that he had saved his life by getting rid of his shoes. The teacher drove him away with an angry scolding, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his boots. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

straight tree

This was when Yaputpa was still a student. Master Chhishvabrashwan said:
- Remember, Yaputra: a straight tree is always cut first. Become like a crooked one!
- So that's why you are such a misery! Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

galloped

Teacher Chhishvabrashvan argued with his former student Yaputra about the illusory nature of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! - Chhishvabrashvan ranted.
- Oh, so no? - Shpi Yaputra said thoughtfully and threw a chair at Chhishvabrashvan, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra once again outran his former Teacher.

The monk was enlightened. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped. But Yaputra passed by his room in search of a toilet where to take a nap. And accidentally went to the monk's room. After taking a break, Yaputpa started the clock, and it started again. And the monk became a normal person again. And gave Yaputra
penis for anti-hygiene.

A path without a path

Sri Yaputra crossed the road singing the song:
- There is neither death nor birth,
There is no morality and foundations,
Deep wrinkles on the face
Nothing more than the scars of life...
A policeman approached him and asked:
- What are you singing about, Teacher?
Sri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, because there is nothing more beautiful than returning to where we were before birth ...
- So that's why you cross the street at a red light and are not afraid that you are a car
will move?! But the fine will still have to be paid! - said
militiaman

Zendo Master

One day, an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He cursed Shpi Yaputra and assured him that he would knock him down. He was really an excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery column of energy. And such a master challenged Yaputre. Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: "In the worst case, I'll give up!" and accepted the challenge. As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually dissolved into the air, then turned into a pillar of fire. Sri Yaputra's forehead broke out in a cold sweat and he begged, "I surrender!" The zendo master again took on a human form and, smiling maliciously, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Sri Yaputra gave him
erysipelas deaf. The zendo master passed out.

A strange ragamuffin jumped across the field, collecting spikelets left by the reapers. Sri Yaputra was walking at that time past this very field and, seeing such a picture, said to the disciples:
- Go and ask this scarecrow why it jumps across the field!
The disciples went and forcibly brought the old man.
- Are you enlightened, old man? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Kakao? You
happy? - Shpi Yaputra and the disciples approached the old man with questions.
- Yes, I was a Taoist-Kakaos and all my life I was waiting for enlightenment. I do not
acquired wealth, debauched and glutted. And now because of this I'm like
the last beggar Pindos I run across the field ... - answered the old man.
- But are you still happy? After all, you lived to see such gray hairs ... - exhorted
Yaputa.
- Yes, what, in the ass, gray hair ?! I am 42 years old, and I am already an old man! - the old man squealed and turned to the disciples of Yaputra:
- Pupils, before it's too late, get the fuck out
from this path Tao-Cocoa, otherwise repeat my shitty fate!
- You're an asshole, old man! Yaputra shouted in anger and hit him in the balls with his staff. Yaputpa and the disciples walked on, but the disciples thought deeply about something...

There was a funeral for a famous Zen master named Yobnvrot. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, booby Shpi Yaputra appeared out of nowhere with an accordion and began to yell obscene ditties. After that, he stuck chewing gum on the forehead of the deceased and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he, kicking, lamented: "Kazzly! Down with conventions!"

Three treasures

The merchant Rbrbr somehow approached the teacher Yaputre and, wanting to test him,
asked:
- Teacher, tell me which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- Mudazvon you mudazvon, the main thing - bashli! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbppa and asked him for a loan.

Don't get out of the rapture

The disciples approached Sri Yaputra and asked:
- Teacher, LSD gives us meditation and rapture. But it is, we heard
nefig how harmful. And when we get out of rapture, we feel disgusting: everything is gray and miserable...
- Do not get out of rapture! muttered Yaputra, looking off into the distance with glassy eyes...

American priest

Sri Yaputra meditated. Coming out, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest sipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and
fuck prostitutes. He went to the toilet all the time with the books of Sri Yaputra, and apparently he did not read them there - they were getting thinner. Yaputpa knocked on the priest's door, ostensibly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such
lyulei that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa.

The man who fed the monkeys

Coming to the monkeys, Sri Yaputra said to them:
- Well, cho, fucking macaques, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 - in the evening, or vice versa!
- Let's immediately 7 kilos! the monkeys squealed.
- Fuy you! - said Yaputpa and did not give anything to the impudent monkeys.

There was a fast, and Sri Yaputra was eating meatballs on both cheeks. The students looked at him in bewilderment and, finally, could not stand it:
- Teacher, post after all?! What...?!
- Yes ah his to monks! - Yaputra muttered with a stuffed mouth. Yaputra belched, farted, hiccupped, vomited, but the disciples endured, for even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment in such a way that
you can shit in sandals.

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Master Chhishvabrashwan. They argued for some time, gossiped, indulged in jokes, blew cones. Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputpa sighed politely.
- That is, as?! This is my house! - surprised Chhishvabpashvan.
- Yes, you cho, completely gone astray?! Wali, old asshole! Yaputra shouted and kicked Chhishvabrashvan out the door. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

To clear the cup of your brain after reading "The Joy of the Blind Monkey Who Cries", you are invited to meditate. To do this, you must recite the following mantra aloud 500 times:

"Muzzle muzzle muzzle muzzle muzzle muzzle muzzle"

THE DOCTRINE OF TAO-COCOA IS PERFECT, BECAUSE IT IS NOT!!!

Instead of a preface

vidya-vinaya-sampanne
brahmane gavi hastini
shuni chaiva shvapake cha
panditah sama-darsinah

A humble sage who has true knowledge regards a learned and noble brahmin, a cow, an elephant, a dog, and a dog-eater alike.
(Krishna, Bhagavad-gita (5.18))

Clap with one hand

Tao Cocoa

Shri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Tao teachers were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They argued about something for the second week.
- To go nuts ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Shizdanut... - objected Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I'll probably go ... - said Yaputra and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

life is perfect

Master Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful!
But then a butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
Thinking Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit!
The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonade for nothing.

Like leaves on a tree

When we want to calm down, we look at a tree. How perfect it is. How harmoniously all its leaves are arranged on it. How they rustle in the wind.
Earrings on lindens and weeping willows make you hold your breath in admiration.
Children come up to the tree, tear off the earrings and leaves, scatter them in the wind and they fly, mowing, to fall somewhere on the soil and sprout into a new tree.
So are we, all people, like these leaves on a tree. We live, we live, until we wither and fall. Or until the hands of providence rip us off. Or until our tree is cut down. And in the same way there are dogs ready to piss on our tree.

perfect man

When Yaputra was a student, he and the Master walked daily in search of manifestations of Zen. The teacher Chhishvabrashwan told stories:
The eternal bird Phoenix flew over the owl. The owl was eating a decayed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take away its prey, pressed the rat with all its might. She didn't know that a decomposed rat didn't care for Phoenix!
- You know what, Teacher, could you do without all the decomposed rats and other fucking shit in your stories, by God, it's unpleasant to listen to ... - Yaputra admitted.
- You - mchudak, Yaputra! - remarked Chhishvabrashvan without any ulterior motive.
Yaputra was offended.
- You should not be offended, Yaputra. In Zen, an eccentric is a sage! - encouraged the Teacher.
- Yes, I fucked your Zen ... - Shri Yaputra grumbled.

At the battery

What is a battery in summer? It is, in fact, an unnecessary and useless item. She heats, heats, heats up. Residents of apartments curse ZhEK. After all, it's so hot. What about the battery in winter? The battery in winter is a completely different matter. The battery in winter is the heart of the apartment, the focus of the desires of the residents. Therefore, do not look at things one-sidedly. And it is better to take a place at the battery in advance. And kick anyone who comes near you.

Draw the legs of the snake

The disciples once asked Master Yaputra: Master, your parables are hard to understand! Often your words are just like a burial!
The burial is a true compliment to my parables. They do not fit in the mind, and this is important! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself do not understand what I sing ... You must be able to draw the legs of a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what comes true! the Teacher was angry.
Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically shizel (meditated).

Step on the foot (leader)

Master Sri Yaputra instructed his students:
- If you step on the foot of a random passerby, you are very sorry. If a friend - sorry, but less. If a relative - do not apologize at all!
- What if I step on your foot, Master? the student asked.
- You'll get fucked! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the Tao masters say that the leader is always an idiot! Are you our leader? - the stubborn student did not let up.
- You are with me, your mother, you will definitely get it! - summed up Sri Yaputra.

shooter

Hemoy (no head)

When Yaputra was a student, one day, going into the room of the Master Chhishvabrasvan, he saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting in front of a man who was silently eating.
- What are you doing, Master? asked Sri Yaputra.
- I'm talking to a mute... - answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, a scribe... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! added the teacher.
- It's visible, damn it ... - casually threw Yaputra and left the room.

sublime laziness

The disciples sat and thought about the staff. And then they saw Master Yaputra walking down the street merrily singing the song: hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The disciples were quite surprised and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.
It became obvious that the Teacher was ugly in a melon. Only then the students were able to understand the meaning of the phrase spoken by the Teacher the day before: Just give way! - If you want to be an alcoholic, be it!

Teacher

Master Chhishvabrashwan was sitting and meditating near the fence. He painted hieroglyphs of peace and humility with a soft brush. But the owner of the fence came out here - a Russian by nationality. He did not understand hieroglyphs and asked: Why the hell did you tear up the whole fence for me? And he hit the Teacher on the head with a shovel.
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said: Verily, speak to people in an understandable language! After that, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he emerged enlightened after 5 years.

2 monks

2 monks were walking along the road. Both were quite hungry. Suddenly one of them noticed a stick lying by the road.
- Let's eat this stick! he suggested.
- She's not fucking edible! - said the second monk.
How do you know without trying? - asked the monk and bit the stick. All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- Hehren try everything to know! - said the second monk and kicked the first one in the groin area.

When the shoes don't fit

Pyuan had very tight boots. Pyuan suffered greatly, he could not throw away his shoes, as he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Master Yaputra came, broke both of Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the shoes fit him just right.
Pyuan, on the other hand, spent half a year in the hospital and, having gone out, came to the teacher and bowed as a token of gratitude, something saved his life by getting rid of his shoes.
The teacher sent him to hell with angry abuse, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his boots. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

straight tree

galloped

Nobody knows who is old and who is young

You older than me! the old woman said to the old man. The old man was silent.
- You're older than me, old snag! - the old woman was indignant. The old man didn't utter a sound.
- I am born on the 23rd, and you are on the 20th! she was already screaming.
The old man silently took out a passport and showed the date of birth - 29. The old woman stung herself.

Clock

The monk brightened up. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
Ho passed by his room Yaputra in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And accidentally went to the monk's room. Having taken a nap, Yaputra started the clock and the clock started running again. And the monk became a normal person again. And kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

Deer

The hunter walked through the forest and he had only one cartridge left. He hadn't gotten anything all day and was pretty exhausted. Suddenly he saw something that looked like a deer lying on the ground - or was it just a stump? He decided to come closer. This something still resembled a bizarre tree. The hunter was nearsighted. Coming close, the hunter touched this object with the butt of a gun. The elk woke up and pierced the hunter with his horns through and through. He smiled and whispered dreamily:
- Get close to the deer and you can't go wrong!

A path without a path

Sri Yaputra crossed the road, singing a song:
There is neither death nor birth
No morals and foundations
Deep wrinkles on the face
Nothing more than the scars of life...
A policeman approached him and asked:
- What are you singing about, Teacher?
Sri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, because there is nothing more beautiful than to return to where we were before birth ...
- So that's why you cross the street at a red light and are not afraid that a car will turn on you ?! But you still have to pay the fine! - said the policeman.

Zendo Master

One day, an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He cursed Shri Yaputra and assured him that he would knock him down. He was a really excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery pillar of energy. And just such a master challenged Yaputra.
Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: As a last resort, I will surrender! and accepted the challenge.
As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually vanished into thin air, then turned into a pillar of fire. Sri Yaputra's forehead was covered with cold sweat and he prayed:
- I give up!
The zendo master again took on a human form and, smiling slyly, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Shri Yaputra gave him a rowing shaft. The zendo master passed out.

Spikelets

A strange ragamuffin jumped across the field, collecting spikelets left by the reapers.
Sri Yaputra was walking at that time past this very field and seeing this picture he said to his disciples:
- Go and ask this fucking stuffed animal that it jumps across the field!
The disciple went and forcibly brought the old man.
Are you enlightened, old man? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Kakao? Are you happy? - Approached the old man with questions Bhagwan Shri Yaputra with his students.
- Yes, I was a Taoist-Kakaosom and all my life I was waiting for enlightenment. I did not acquire riches, I did not debauchery and did not indulge in gluttony. And now, because of this, I, like the last beggar, run around the field ... - the old man answered.
- But are you still happy? After all, you lived to such gray hairs ... - exhorted Yaputra.
- What the hell, gray hair? I am 42 years old, and already an old man! - the old man squealed and turned to the disciples of Yaputra, - Students, before it's too late, dump Tao-Cocoa from this path to the ridges, otherwise you will repeat my shitty fate!
- You're fucked, old man! Yaputra shouted and hit the old man with his staff.
Yaputra and the disciples walked on, but the disciples were deep in thought about something.

The funeral

There was a funeral for a famous Zen master named Yonvrot. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Shri Yaputra appeared with an accordion and began to yell obscene ditties. After that, he stuck chewing gum on the forehead of the deceased and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he, kicking, lamented:
- Balabols! Down with conventions!

3 treasures

The merchant Rbrbr once approached the teacher Yaputra and, wanting to test him, asked:
- Teacher, tell me which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- Mudozvon you mudozvon, the main thing - bosses! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbrbra and asked him for a loan.

Don't get excited

The disciples approached Shri Yaputra and asked:
- Master, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But it is, we heard, uncomfortably harmful. And when we get out of delight, we feel fucking disgusting: everything is gray and miserable ...
- Don't get excited! muttered Yaputra, looking off into the distance with glazed eyes.

American priest

Sri Yaputra meditated. When he left, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest sipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and rowed prostitutes. He went to the toilet all the time with books by Shri Yaputra, and apparently he did not read them there - they were getting thinner.
He wipes his ass, such a bitch ... - thought Yaputra and knocked on the priest's door, supposedly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such specific dules that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa without a bullshit.

The man who fed the monkeys

Arriving at the monkeys, Sri Yaputra said to them:
- Well cho, fucking macaques, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 - in the evening, or vice versa!
- Let's immediately 7 kilos in the bulldozer! the monkeys squealed.
- Fuck you bald! - said Yaputra and did not give anything to the impudent monkeys.
He smoked himself and ate everything.

Fast

There was a fast, and Sri Yaputra was eating cutlets on both cheeks. The students looked at him with bewildered fucking and, finally, could not stand it:
- Teacher, post after all?! Figley?!
- Yes ah his to monks! - Yaputra muttered with his mouth full.
Yaputra belched, farted, hiccupped, vomited, but the disciples endured without bullshit, for even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment in such a way that rowing my sandals.

Memory

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Master Chhishvabrasvan. They argued for a while, gossiped, ran into anecdotes, blew bumps.
Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- That is, as?! This is my house! Chhishvabrashwan was surprised.
- Are you completely crazy? Fuck off, you old bastard! cried Yaputra and drove Chhishvabrasvan out. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

Dance (no water, no moon)

Once again Yaputra was drunk. He was at a disco, where he was brawling and twitching like a clown. People were joking. Then he, shouting over the music, told everyone:
- My jerks are the dance of the soul! Your dance is a set of dead movements! I want to be alone and jerk off! Get the hell out of here!
With these words, he threw his shoe through the window and hit the guard in the liver with an awl. When he woke up in the bullpen, he realized that they were trying to lock him up. But he knew that the Master could not be locked up. He thought: One thing sucks - there is no water here, there is no moon ... But there is where to masturbate.

Instead of an afterword

One day two bhavatas came to Sri Yaputra with a request to judge which of them
rights.
- You are wrong, - Sri Yaputra answered sharply after listening to the first.
“And you are wrong,” he said to the second bhavat after he had told
dispute from your point of view.
- Teacher, but then who is right in this situation, - they shouted indignantly
bhavata.
- I'm right. Sri Yaputra replied smugly.
That's how the Taoist-cacao teaching once again didn't help a damn
to establish the truth in a dispute, but won in the struggle between good and reason.

Once Shri Yaputra was invited to fight club.
He carried with him two staffs and a spiked brass knuckles.
Tao-Cocoa Master is above some rules.

Something strange has been happening at the Dao Cacao Monastery since early morning. The teacher Sri Yaputra wandered around the yard with a very preoccupied look, from time to time turning to the dumbfounded students with questions: “Well, why? WHY?!" or exclaiming: "Well, she's a goat!". At the same time, his eyes did not express anything, and his whole body was shaking with a slight tremor. The disciples remained silent and hurried out of sight. It wasn't until the next day that they realized what was happening. Entering his room, the students found the cold body of the master, miraculously held in the lotus position. A smile froze on the teacher's face, and a small piece of paper lay at his very feet. Some say that the secret of quick enlightenment was written on it, others that there were only three words, and someone has not uttered a sound since then. But everyone regrets the departure of Shri Yaputra, the only person who managed to understand ... why the heck goat button accordion ?!

Shri Yaputra's disciples, after endless meditations knee-deep in mud under pouring rain and piercing wind, approached Yaputra with complaints.
- Come to your senses! - the Teacher rebuked them, - There is no difference where exactly to strive for enlightenment!
- Why do you, Teacher, always meditate in warmth and comfort? the students tried to object.
- So what? There is no difference anyway, - Sri Yaputra was sincerely surprised.

One day one of the disciples of Sri Yaputra turned to him with a request:
- Can I not chop wood today, Teacher? I got sick and my bones break...
- No, go and cut! - answered the Teacher, - We must overcome ourselves and do exactly what we do not want. This is the way to Tao.
- And I once very much WANT to chop wood! - exclaimed another cunning student, who was nearby.
- Well, go ahead and until you cut everything down, you can not even dream about dinner! - Shri Yaputra made him happy.
- Che something I did not understand, Teacher! - the cunning student went nuts, - But what about all this boyda about "doing exactly what we don't want"?
- What is not clear here? - Shri Yaputra was surprised, - Firewood must be chopped.

- Teacher, do you know the answer to the Main Question of Life, the Universe and Everything Else? - a particularly impudent student decided to test Sri Yaputra.
“Twenty-one,” answered the Great Teacher without hesitation.
once Yaputra met the Buddha. Of course, he went nuts with happiness, but he didn’t drink so much anymore.