How to get rid of low self-esteem. Low self-esteem. When joy does not please

To achieve success in all spheres of life, a person needs sufficient confidence in himself and his abilities. Low self-esteem is a barrier that does not allow you to become happy, because a person is full of doubts and is not able to fully enjoy life and feel happy. Think - while you are not confident in your abilities, the best moments pass you by and, of course, someone else will take advantage of them. Let's think about how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence. Psychologists have developed special techniques and ways to increase self-esteem.

What is self-esteem

Reasons for low self-esteem

It is difficult even for a specialist to determine all the criteria that affect the formation of self-perception. Psychologists identify innate factors, external and position. There are four most common causes of low self-perception.

1. Features of education in the family.

The statement “all problems come from childhood” is the most common reason for low self-perception. In childhood, there is a direct dependence of the child's self-esteem on the principles of upbringing and the attitude of parents to the baby.

2. Failures in childhood.

If a child constantly feels guilty in childhood, in the future this will turn into self-doubt and unwillingness to make decisions on their own.

It is important! It is important to tell the child how to raise self-esteem and self-confidence and teach how to respond to failures correctly so that the child does not give up, but moves on.

3. Inappropriate environment.

An adequate assessment can be formed only in an environment where success and achievements are sincerely appreciated. If a person finds himself in a passive environment where there is no initiative, he becomes the same. Low self-esteem and self-doubt characterize people in such a society.

4. Appearance and condition.

To a greater extent, low self-esteem is formed in children and adolescents with non-standard appearance and congenital pathologies. As a rule, the surrounding people are quite tough and straightforward in their judgments. First of all, overweight children need help. They need to be taught how to love themselves and increase their self-esteem. Stronger from appearance depends on a woman's self-esteem.

Effective Methods for Boosting Self-Esteem

The first step to building self-confidence is recognizing the problem. Here are some of the most effective methods who will tell you how to increase self-esteem and.

1. Change of environment.

Refuse to communicate with people who are negative, constantly dissatisfied with something. Strive for successful individuals who are self-confident, positively minded. Communication with such people will gradually return a person's confidence and self-respect.

2. No self-flagellation.

If you constantly berate yourself for mistakes and failures, you are unlikely to be able to increase your self-perception. Don't use negative ratings for own life, appearance,

3. Avoid comparisons.

Understand that you are only person and there is no other like it in the world. See yourself as a unique and inimitable person, even with flaws.

It is important! The only acceptable comparison is with a person who is more successful, focusing on his achievements.

4. Affirmations to increase self-perception.

Affirmations are short motivating formulas aimed at building self-confidence. It is better to repeat them in the morning and before going to bed. You can create a playlist with these affirmations.

5. Do unusual things.

It is much easier to hide from the problem with a glass of wine, desserts or tears. Try to face the challenge and see who wins.

6. Attend a workshop on how to build confidence.

If attending the training is not possible, use special, psychological literature or documentaries and feature films.

7. Go in for sports.

This is the best way to boost your self-esteem. Regular training allows you to evaluate your appearance less critically. In addition, during exercise, hormones of happiness and good mood are produced.

8. Keep a diary of achievements.

Record personal successes and achievements in a diary. Be sure to write down every success, even the smallest one from your point of view. Set a goal to write down 3-5 minor achievements. Low self-esteem in men is especially dependent on low self-realization

• Use a written forgiveness technique. In one note, describe your own failures and mistakes, and in the second, console yourself, try to forgive yourself.
• Use meditation. Don't underestimate the technique of meditation. With its help, you can relax, absorb positive energy. There are many meditation techniques described in the specialized literature.

But the factors affecting self-esteem in the representatives of the stronger and weaker sex are different. The ways of dealing with inadequate self-esteem in men and women also differ.

How to boost a woman's self-esteem

For the self-perception of a woman, her attractiveness and attention from men are most important. Also an important criterion is the attitude of other people in general.

How to increase self-esteem in a man

Success in society and - the main factors of self-esteem of men. The main recommendations are as follows:

• start to value yourself and your time;
• accept your shortcomings and turn them into virtues;
• diversified development
• always act and never give up when the going gets tough.

An objective assessment of one's personality is not a fantasy, but a reality. The main thing is to understand the importance of such changes and sincerely want it in order to achieve positive, career and love yourself. Remember, self-love must be earned, and for this you will need to go through a stage of dissatisfaction.

A psychologist will tell you how to build self-confidence.

How we treat ourselves is how others treat us. Low self-esteem is a syndrome that can lead to serious problems both in your career and in your personal life.

1. Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be both a manifestation of low self-esteem and its cause. A perfectionist who strives for non-existent perfection or simply high standards rarely gets satisfaction from his work and is therefore more susceptible to criticism. He strives to conform to the ideal image that he has created for himself, and, not achieving it, he experiences a feeling of disappointment in himself, up to contempt.

2. Speech

A person with low self-esteem constantly uses certain words in his speech.

Firstly, these are negative phrases expressing denial: “impossible, not sure, not ready, I do not have the appropriate knowledge; yes, but…”

Secondly, constant apologies. And thirdly, phrases that belittle the value of human actions and labor. Surely you are familiar with excuses: “I was just lucky”, “my colleagues did most of the work, and I just helped them”, and so on. People with low self-esteem do not perceive compliments and gratitude well, trying to immediately argue with praise and prove the opposite. Why? It's all about the guilt complex. It doesn't matter what. Perhaps the work was not done well enough in their opinion, or they made little effort to fulfill the request, even if they did it. Guilt is the next sign by which you can identify a person who does not think too much about himself.

3. Guilt

Feelings of guilt, like perfectionism, can be the cause of low self-esteem. As psychologist Darlene Lanser says, if a person feels deeply guilty and cannot forgive himself for this for a long time, he will constantly reproach himself for this, remind him of his “burden on his heart” and be constantly ashamed of his actions. Ultimately, he will lose self-respect and with it self-esteem.

The relationship can also be reversed. A person with low self-esteem suffers from constant self-criticism and is not able to adequately perceive the mistakes of the past. Hence the neurotic guilt in insecure people

4. Depression

According to research by Dr. psychological sciences, Lars Madslen - self-doubt can also be the cause of frequent depression or a constant bad mood. According to her, self-esteem is the key to both development and recovery from depression, which is considered a serious psychological problem.

5. Excuses

People with low self-esteem tend to justify others, even if their actions are contrary to all norms of behavior. Usually they argue that everyone has their own circumstances, that everyone can be understood. Psychologists explain this position as an attempt to avoid criticism, which can be encountered when judging others.

6. Lack of initiative

What really hinders people with low self-esteem in the professional field is the lack of initiative. Such a person, having received certain powers, will, at any opportunity, transfer them into the wrong hands. No wonder, because he is not sure that he will cope with his task, even if he is an "ace" in his field. In a dispute with an interlocutor, he is also unlikely to be able to defend his position, preferring to agree with his opponent.

7. Indecision

Such people are not ready to bear responsibility for their decisions. They generally prefer not to decide anything. Suddenly they make a mistake, and the decision turns out to be wrong. In this case, it will not be possible to avoid criticism. The worst thing for insecure people is criticism of loved ones: relatives, friends, whom they are afraid of losing. After all, this, in their opinion, will be the price for the wrong decision.

8. Trying to avoid conflict

"Not sure, don't go." This is the attitude of people with low self-esteem. They are ready to do anything to avoid conflict situations or tension between people. Everything should be harmonious, even if this is achieved through “white lies”, which sooner or later will lead to more serious problems.

9. Hostility

There is also the reverse side of the coin, when people with low self-esteem, on the contrary, show open hostility and cynicism towards others. This is just a variant of the defensive position, as they say: "the best way to defend is to attack."

10. Fatigue, insomnia, headache

Symptoms of low self-esteem can be not only psychological, but also physical. According to psychologists, extreme self-disappointment leads to chronic insomnia, fatigue, and headaches.

• You do not fully trust your own opinion.
• You are afraid of difficulties because you think that you will not be able to overcome them.
• You treat yourself much stricter than those around you.
• You often experience a sense of anxiety and think too much about small things.
• No matter how much you work, you feel like you're not doing enough.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

Psychologists believe that the reasons why people suffer from low self-esteem are rooted in childhood.

• Lack of attention or cruelty from parents.
• Exaggerated expectations of parents and, as a result, the feeling that the child is “not good enough”.
• Constant bullying from other children.
• Being in a hostile environment. For example, among people who are negatively disposed against the child in advance because of his belonging to another social group, nationality or religion.

How low self-esteem can affect us

Problems in personal relationships

People with low self-esteem may confuse the usual interest from the other person with care and love if they suffered from a lack of attention in childhood.

Also, low self-esteem can turn a person into a victim in a relationship with an abusive partner. He will consider that he is not good enough for a partner, and because of this, he will endure all his antics, up to beatings.

Problems at work

Low self-esteem causes people to remain silent during presentations and conversations with superiors. Because of this, they may not fully open up and show their skills. Company management is not always able to understand that an employee is simply shy, and may consider such an employee simply not gifted enough.

Depression

In the long term, low self-esteem can lead to depression. According to scientists, it is one of the key factors in the development of this disease.

What to do with it

Getting rid of low self-esteem will not help simple advice in the spirit of "feel more confident" and "believe in yourself."

First, you need to realize that there is a problem, and every time it seems to you that you are worse than others, pay attention to this and convince yourself.

Secondly, you need to find a way of self-realization, something that you really succeed in and at the same time brings you joy. Together with the support of loved ones, this will help to at least slightly increase self-esteem.

However, it is best to contact a qualified one and work on solving the problem with him.

“I am worse than others ...”, “I am constantly unlucky, because I am a loser” ... Familiar? These are all the first. A person with a low level of self-esteem voluntarily "locks himself in the prison" of personal opportunities. He cannot fully realize himself in life, achieve success. He is comfortable on his own. Such "imprisonment" from society will be accepted by a person as a norm. But after a while, a person with low self-esteem will realize that he is deeply unhappy. His timidity, cowardice, abundance of complexes do not allow him to go further in life. They literally tied his hands. The first step to get out of this vicious circle is to understand the reason for such a state. Let's try to dig into ourselves?

What is the level of self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a mysterious property of a person that arises unconsciously. Its level is formed in the process of growing up and personality formation. Self-esteem is made up of the perception of oneself, one's inner qualities, capabilities, place in society and in the manifestation of one's value.

Self-esteem is a manifestation of healthy self-esteem.

Self-esteem determines relationships with other people, choices and purpose in life.

A healthy adequate level of self-esteem is the main indicator of a mature person as a person. In many ways, a certain level of it is laid down in childhood.

What is low self-esteem?

Unfortunately, parents do not pay attention to the level of self-esteem of their child. But in vain. When educating, they are guided by their intuition and the example of their parents. However, you should not raise your child the way your parents raised you. Perhaps their approach was not entirely correct. And it doesn't work for your child.

As a result of the wrong approach of parents to raising a child, signs of low self-esteem may form. Anxiety, indecision, dependence on the opinions of others develop. Such signs indicate a low level of self-esteem of a person.

Low self-esteem is a complex symptomatic complex that negatively affects a person's life.

"Symptoms" of low self-esteem

Consider the bright symptoms of low self-esteem:

• “doom” is manifested in behavior;
• the tendency to trust the wrong person, yielding to him and doing an unprofitable act for you;
• dissatisfaction with their relationships with other people;
• over-sensitivity and vulnerability;
• increased anxiety and anxiety in a non-standard new situation;
• indecision in making a decision;
• self-doubt to do what many do without much effort;
• stiffness and discomfort in the presence of other people;
• refraining from publicly expressing your opinion, even among people close to you;
• feeling of unhappiness and deprivation;
• constantly comparing yourself to others to gauge your level of success or attitude towards your person.

Renowned specialist Dr. Marilyn Sorensen, who founded the Self-Esteem Institute in the United States, believes that low self-esteem is a thought disorder. With this "pathology" a person is firmly convinced that he is inadequate, incapable, incompetent and unattractive. Such thinking leads to the formation of emotions and feelings that make a person constantly doubt himself or refuse to change something in his life. For example, a person has been going to an unloved job for many years. This passive attitude towards oneself is destructive.

A person with low self-esteem often refuses a lucrative offer. So, he will continue to go to an unloved job and live like a doomed prisoner of his own destructive thinking.

How is low self-esteem formed?

Undoubtedly, low self-esteem is formed since childhood. It is during this period that a person develops an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhimself as a person. Basically, this process begins at birth and can continue until adolescence.

Signs of low self-esteem in a child are formed with early experience. For example, if a child was born in a complete, prosperous family in which he is supported and loved, he feels his importance and need, enjoys freedom of choice, interacts well with people, then most likely he will have healthy adequate self-esteem.

If a child is brought up in a rigid strict form, criticized a lot, ridiculed, humiliated, suppressed and not supported, then he will certainly have low self-esteem, if not low.

Negative conditions for the formation of healthy self-esteem

Some negative factors affect the level of self-esteem. Signs of low self-esteem develop against the background of verbal, sexual, emotional and physical abuse. As a result of these conditions, the child develops deep emotional pain.

Consider the conditions that prevent the formation of adequate self-esteem:

Signs of low self-esteem are more common in women than in men. However, this is not quite true. Men equally suffer from low self-esteem, they simply do not admit it to others.

Signs of low self-esteem: causes in women

Indeed, women often admit to themselves that they are not confident enough in themselves and have low self-esteem. The reason is rather trivial: perhaps the parents wanted a boy, and a girl was born. They didn't have an abortion on time. It happens. However, the child, being a fetus, feels the emotions of his mother. The unwillingness of parents to have this baby is manifested in the form of a message to this fetus: "He is not needed, he is not expected." In such conditions, a person is already born with low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem can develop throughout life. For example, the girl's parents often compared her to other children. Of course, the parents did this to motivate their daughter for further development. Also in kindergarten and school, there is a constant comparison with other children. Worst of all, if you compare children in the family. For example, if you have several children. How often did you hear such a phrase from your parents: “Look, daughter, and Marina writes better than you (draws, dances, reads)” or “You are the same loser as your father.” The list of "affectionate" words is endless. Gradually, the child develops a dislike for himself. He really believes that he can't do anything. If you tell a person that he is a pig, he will soon grunt. This is from the same opera. What is healthy self-esteem?

Typical signs of low self-esteem in a woman:

• Criticism in the family, in the garden, at school.
• They announced a boycott for some unknown reason in the classroom.

Of course, all these factors upset and prevent you from defining and accepting your virtues.

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem can “come” to a person as if it were a serious illness, regardless of age, gender, nationality, religion, education and profession.

Moreover, the number of people who literally suffer from low self-esteem is steadily growing.

If there are signs of low self-esteem, what are the consequences? Let's consider in more detail:

• One cannot fully enjoy life. Inside himself, he always evaluates something: who is wearing what, how he walks, how society accepts him.
• Even a minor trouble in life can unbalance and inflict another “blow” on self-esteem.
• A person with low self-esteem does not achieve the intended goal. He is afraid to fix something, often does not start new business. He values ​​himself low, does not believe in his own abilities, and therefore does not move forward.
• Low self-esteem interferes with building relationships with people. A person puts another above himself in communication. Afraid to be the first to write, call ...

Low self-esteem affects every aspect of life without exception. An open question arises: "If someone in your childhood contributed to low self-esteem in you, then why should SOMEBODY control you? Are you not the master of your life? Or is it left to admit that I am a puppet and they are playing with me?".

Signs of low self-esteem: how to deal with?

The first unspoken rule: change the attitude towards yourself.

Second, turn the negative into a positive. Replace the phrase "I'm not worthy of this" with "I'm better than anyone for this."

Third rule: make a list of your strengths and successes. For example, "I got higher education, I know how to play chess, became a mom/dad, learned a foreign language…”.

Fourth rule: don't compare yourself to others. Why “feed” your low self-esteem? Praise yourself even for small successes.

Fifth rule: find the reason. The source of the problem can be objectively identified by a psychologist. Only with the help of his professional help will you defeat this symptom that destroys you from the inside.

Character is destiny.

–Maya Plisetskaya

Low self-esteem- this is a negative idea of ​​​​a person about his merits, personal qualities and capabilities. This is a deliberate denigration of himself. We can say that it is low self-esteem, and not some “flaws”, heredity or a “bad” date of birth that makes people losers.

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Low self-esteem and its consequences

Low self-esteem affects fate. A person with low or unstable self-esteem, without noticing it, interferes with himself and others. He underestimates himself, which means he does not take advantage of the chances and opportunities that life provides him. In addition, such a person and close people inspire uncertainty, inability to achieve something serious and desirable.

Restriction of freedom of choice

Low self-esteem limits freedom of choice. A person is constantly afraid of making the wrong decision. He believes that he is not good enough to get what he wants, and therefore he follows the path of least resistance. For example, he chooses a solution that is obviously win-win, but absolutely unpromising. And all because, in his opinion, he simply will not overcome an interesting, but difficult path.

When joy does not please

Fix your attitude is a difficult task, but doable. And, undoubtedly, more important than buying even the best car or a ticket to an unforgettable vacation. The thing is that the joy of acquiring or new sensations in a person with low self-esteem is quickly replaced by a decline in strength and mood. Man is constantly limiting himself.

Low self-esteem- a huge energy hole that nullifies the results of any achievements and the feeling of satisfaction from them.

Do you have low self-esteem?

Determining if you have low self-esteem is not difficult. If you think that you are catastrophically unlucky, that you are not succeeding and will not succeed, if you often remember your mistakes, then you have problems with self-esteem. Such a person often has a feeling of self-pity, fear that he will not be understood, and a desire to compare himself with others. He is very dependent on the opinions of others, so he wants to please and please everyone.

Seven Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Psychologists distinguish 7 signs of low self-esteem. If you notice them in a person close to you, it makes sense to advise him books on psychology or gently talk with him about his attitude towards himself.

So, the signs of low self-esteem include the following:

• the use of a huge number of negative phrases in speech;
• eternally bad mood or even depression;
• perfectionism, craving for perfection;
• lack of friends and company, desire to always be alone;
• fear of taking risks, taking on new things, achieving goals;
• appropriating the guilt of other people;
• lack of initiative.

Your looks are at risk

Low self-esteem manifests itself in another way - outwardly. As a rule, a person with low self-esteem often stoops, his facial expressions are sad, his movements are constrained, and his clothes are sloppy. However, the opposite situation is also possible. The unfortunate may wish that people do not appreciate him for who he is. Then a person with low self-esteem will always try to look perfect. But in facial expressions, gestures, postures, the true essence of his character will still manifest itself.

Negative fantasies about the intentions of others

It is difficult for an unfortunate person to build any relationship - whether it be friendships or even the creation of a family. After all, his insecurity is transferred to those around him. A person with low self-esteem believes that people communicate with him because they want something from him or it is so convenient for them. He is sure: there is nothing to love him for, and therefore he cannot believe in the sincerity of the feelings of others.

Why is low self-esteem formed?

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“All problems come from childhood” sounds trite, but it’s about low self-esteem.

What is self-esteem? It is how a person perceives himself. It is formed under parental influence, because in childhood it is impossible to evaluate oneself and one's actions - they are evaluated by parents, other close relatives or guardians. A person's self-perception comes precisely through their parents, it is not independently formed. As mom and dad "mirror" the child, so he perceives himself.

If a loser, then from childhood

If a child constantly hears words of censure, if he is scolded for any, even the smallest, misconduct, for bad grades and behavior, and also compared with more obedient / diligent / educated / talented / diligent children, he is doomed to low self-esteem. Yes, since childhood little man may be unsure of their abilities and constantly feel guilty. Not the best qualities for a happy and successful life, right?

How to change the attitude towards yourself?

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Psychologist, consultant of the St. Petersburg Gestalt Institute Svetlana Petrova argues that the first step to healthy self-esteem is acceptance of yourself and your loved ones.

A person with low self-esteem rejects parts of themselves. You can’t completely get rid of low self-esteem, you can only accept yourself as you are. If we reject our parents, consider them bad and unworthy people, then we will never be able to increase our self-esteem. After all, mom, dad, other relatives or guardians are part of us, they shaped and educated us. To take the first step towards raising self-esteem, you need to thank your parents and accept yourself completely, with all the advantages and disadvantages, successes and failures.

Ways to increase self-esteem

There are three ways to raise self-esteem. Naturally, as we wrote above, you first need to accept yourself. Then there are three options.

1 way. You may benefit from suggestion techniques. These are affirmations, auto-trainings and neurolinguistic programming. The main thing is that the person with low self-esteem himself believes in their effectiveness, otherwise their application is doomed to failure in advance.

The first method works only as a temporary measure, since it acts on the cause of a bad attitude towards oneself.

2 way- Earn the approval of others. Unfortunately, this is what most people with low self-esteem do. If a person tries to be good for everyone, he does not do what he needs and is interested in, he achieves not his own, but other people's goals, he cannot freely express himself. Their whole life is spent on proving something not to themselves, but to others.

3 way. The most effective option is conscious work on oneself, correction of self-perception on a spiritual level. Yes, this method takes a lot of time and effort, but it is also the most productive. It is necessary to understand the true causes of low self-esteem and reduce the significance of someone else's opinion for yourself.

In addition, you should only surround yourself with people who are more confident in you than you are. Negative people, on the contrary, will try to nullify your virtues, say that nothing will work out for you, so they should not be in your environment.

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist Vyacheslav Ilyin gives important tips to which those who want to raise their self-esteem should listen.

First, according to Ilyin, it is necessary to separate your opinion of yourself from the opinions of other people. Even if someone in your life unfairly and constantly criticized you, this is not a reason to scold yourself.

- Accept yourself for who you are. With all the advantages and disadvantages. Stop biting yourself for your “minuses” and turn them into “pluses”.

- Enjoy your virtues and praise yourself for them. It is best to write down all your strengths to understand how many there are.

– Separate facts from their interpretation. Don't berate yourself for not being successful. Didn't succeed now, will succeed next time. Most importantly, don't discount yourself.

In addition, books, close people or psychologists will help you work on yourself. Now there is a lot of literature on psychology, and in addition, there are specialists. You can also get support loved one, it will be easier.

There are many ways to change your attitude! Even if you decide to act on your own, it is worth going to at least a few consultations with a specialist in order to know in which direction to proceed. And remember: you will reap the benefits of full-fledged work on yourself all your life!

People with healthy self-esteem have freedom of choice. They choose in life what they are really interested in and really need, without looking back at fears and limitations. Only they can succeed in life. There are no impassable paths, working on oneself will help any person become successful and happy!

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