We learn to resist someone else's aggression. Step by step. Defense against aggression Theory and practice

Sigmund Freud

The topic of protection against aggression worries a lot of people, especially those who have directly encountered its manifestation and become its victim. This is, without a doubt, a very important topic that needs to be well understood. Each person must be ready to competently, in an organized manner, without losing self-control and without fear of anything, to fight any aggression, no matter who it comes from. He may not have a choice - it is not always possible to run away, hide, or simply give in and surrender to the aggressor, hoping for his mercy. Most often, aggression has to be fought in order not to fall victim to it. But you need to do it competently, wisely, with a cool head. Much is in your hands - you will either win if you act correctly, or lose if you make a mistake. In this article, I will tell you about how you can protect yourself and protect your loved ones from someone else's aggression.

There is a rule in politics that emphasizes the territorial and political independence of the state - this is the doctrine of national security. It is the protection of national security in any state that is given absolute priority over all other policy issues. And this is not surprising - the question of self-preservation is always the main one. And I believe that every person who, as they say, does not give a damn about his own fate and the fate of his relatives and friends, especially children, needs to have a similar doctrine of personal security, which will include the definition of the most likely types of threats with which a person and his relatives may encounter and appropriate ways to protect themselves from them. We live in a world that is far from being the friendliest, in which often those with some kind of power overwhelm and harm those who are weaker. In childhood, many of us were convinced of the great role played by physical strength, with the help of which you can set your own rules for those who are weaker, and in adulthood, money and connections are power, they determine a lot in it. The greatest power is the human mind, the smarter you are, the stronger, because you can do a lot. It is thanks to their mind that people manage to seize a large amount of resources and influence other people. All this must be taken into account in your doctrine in order to know what you can oppose to this or that form of aggression.

So, what do you do if someone shows or tries to show aggression towards you. First of all, you need to find out what kind of aggression you are facing, how strong the aggressor is, what capabilities he has and what he is ready to do in confrontation with you. It often happens that the aggressor is nothing, but pretends to have great potential and can turn anyone into dust. Do not give in to threats - your fear can cause you great harm. When a person is afraid, he makes a large number of mistakes and unreasonably loses ground, making the aggressor stronger and more courageous. Always study a person, his capabilities, look for as much information about him as possible in order to understand what he really is. Then you will be able to build an adequate line of defense, including in the form of a retaliatory attack. Of course, if you are faced with a whole system - with an organized criminal group or government agencies that illegally put pressure on you, then there is not much to study here, because it is already clear that you need to look for non-standard ways of protection in order not to let the system crush itself. Remembering that the best defense is an attack, you should always look for weaknesses in the enemy, which, believe me, everyone has. In cases where the aggressor is much stronger than you, it is necessary to act asymmetrically. Never try to strike back knowing that you are weaker than the aggressor. This is especially stupid to do in cases where the whole system is opposed to you. Your heroism will not impress anyone, in this life, in situations like this, only the result matters.

So, what should you do if you are faced with someone's aggression and cannot oppose it with symmetrical aggression in response or do not want to do this, and also do not consider it necessary for yourself to make concessions to the aggressor and are not going to run away from him? Let's take a look at your options. The first thing you can try to do is to switch the attention of the aggressor to someone else, that is, to translate the arrows, so to speak. This is one of those manipulation techniques that can allow you, at a minimum, to gain time, and at a maximum, to redirect someone else's aggression in a direction convenient for you. But do not think that you can simply force another person or group of people to switch from you to someone else. This is in principle possible, but in order to use this technique, it is necessary to identify the reason for the manifestation of aggression by people against you. When you know the true cause of aggression, you will be able to appropriately interest the aggressor in switching to someone else, showing him either the usefulness, the profitability of such a switch, or pointing out to him the person who is to blame for what the aggressor accuses you. That is, knowing about the motivation of the aggressor, you can direct his aggression in the direction you need. The simplest example: the boss accuses you of something and wants to fire you, because of some mistake you made. In this case, try to find someone else to blame and convince the boss that it is not you who are to blame, but the other person, other people. This is an elementary technique, many people use it. Only you need to do it competently, so as not just to make excuses and blame other people, but to do it very convincingly - calmly and with evidence. And if bandits ran into you in order, for example, to take money from you or “squeeze” your business, then you can try to switch them to a bigger “fish”, giving them a tip on, for example, your competitor, with a detailed description of those opportunities , thanks to which they can, as they say, “unwind” it. Here, of course, details are very important. I'm just pointing out to you the possibility of using this technique to protect yourself from aggression, but in order to use it successfully, you need to analyze a lot of details of your situation. Keep in mind that this method of manipulating the aggressor needs to be individually adapted to each specific case. And you either need to adapt it yourself to your situation, or resort to the help of various specialists - advisers.

Let's look at another way to protect against aggression. It consists in involving a third party or even several parties in the conflict and thus using other people's resources to fight the aggressor. In everyday life, this is called asking for protection from someone. But it may not always be about the protection that needs to be asked for. It can also be about the use of other people's interests for their own purposes. That is, you may be interested in a third party to help you deal with the aggressor, and not just ask her for protection. In childhood, if someone constantly offends a physically weak guy, then he can find a friend among strong guys and become useful to him in some way, so that he protects him from offenders. In world politics, it is in the order of things to have strong allies. Small and weak states maintain a certain connection - economic, political, military with strong states and are under their protection. When military conflicts occur between countries, the ability to attract allies, especially strong allies, is one of the most important tasks for the warring parties. So is a person - the more useful connections he has, the easier it is for him to use them to protect himself from aggression. And in order to acquire these connections, it is necessary to be interesting, profitable, useful to other people. People willingly help those in whom they see benefit for themselves. So draw a third party into your conflict with the aggressor in such a way that it is beneficial for her, the third party, to help you. Life is so arranged that in any business you need to take into account the personal interests of other people in order to cooperate with them, count on their help, support, protection. Otherwise, even those who are formally obliged to help you in some way will not do it. Therefore, learn to interest people, learn to be useful to them, so that if necessary, use them to fight aggressors.

Another good way to protect yourself from aggression is to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become his ally, partner, even a junior one, and in some cases, someone he can use for some business, some work. That is, you need to try to negotiate cooperation with the aggressor, even if it turns out to be not very beneficial for you. This is true in cases where you cannot openly resist someone's aggression and you have nowhere to run. And by joining the aggressor, you can either completely avert the threat from yourself, or at least buy time to develop a plan for a more effective fight against it. It is clear that joining someone who opposes you is not so easy. Here it is necessary to take into account both the motives and the interests of the aggressor in order to competently fit into them, so to speak. You need to interest him in something in order to agree on cooperation with him. And in order to do this, you need to know about his goals, plans, desires, problems. Sometimes such an attachment to the aggressor is like a betrayal, if, say, a person goes over to the side of the one who is stronger, leaving those who are weaker. But, firstly, it is a personal matter of the person himself, whom to betray, and who to be betrayed. And secondly, you can betray only those to whom you yourself are dear, and who does something for you. And if people do nothing for you, if you are an empty place for them, then you do not owe them anything - neither loyalty, nor devotion, nor honesty. So you can join a stronger one, an aggressor, when you have no one else to protect except yourself and your interests, or when it is simply profitable to do so. The ideal option is to make friends with the aggressor. This will allow you to turn him from your enemy into a friend. However, this is a very difficult task. To do this, you need to be useful to the enemy, so that he sees the benefit for himself in friendship with you. After all, as I wrote above, it is interesting to be friends with those from whom there is a benefit. But you can also become a temporary partner, an ally for the aggressor. You can offer him to join forces to achieve some important goal for him, pointing out his usefulness in this matter. Or you can invite him to “be friends” against someone, against some of his enemy, competitor. In general, the options may be different. The main task is to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become part of his team. Look for this opportunity if you have no other way to protect yourself.

And finally, the last option for protecting against aggression, which we will consider, is the ability to warn it in advance. This is the most difficult option, but also the best. You can resort to it if aggression against you has not yet been applied, but you admit such a possibility. Thinking now about what you will do if you encounter this or that threat, you can not only develop a plan of action in advance, but also psychologically set yourself up for the fight. This is important in order to, faced with aggression, act competently and calmly, and not on emotions. Of course, it is not easy to think about what not only does not yet exist, but also what one would not like to face. But you have to do it – you have to prepare yourself for struggle, rivalry, competition, hostility. This is part of our life. As a matter of fact, for this I wrote above about the need for you to develop a doctrine of personal security. If you want to feel protected and not just feel, but really be protected from many types of threats, then do not avoid thinking about them, start your fight against aggression in your head, working out various options for protecting against it, including in the form of a response. attacks. Your readiness to fight will serve you well at the very moment when you need it most. No wonder the famous Latin phrase says: “If you want peace, prepare for war.” Let's see what you need to do to prepare yourself to deal with aggression.

1. Study human psychology in order to understand people, understand their motivation, know about their weaknesses and problems. This will allow you to properly deal with them.

2. Master the skills of manipulating people in order to counter primitive brute force with subtle and flexible cunning at the right time. Manipulation is a great power. All military tactics and strategies are based on it.

3. Learn the laws that you can use in life. Knowing the most important laws will allow you to use the resources of the state to protect against aggression and defend your interests. It is also useful to have a personal lawyer so that, if necessary, resort to the services of a trusted and reliable person.

4. Make connections with helpful people so that you can use them to solve your problems. This is one of the most important tasks in life for any sane person.

5. Get any weapon available, in some cases it may be your only way to defend yourself against someone else's aggression. An armed man is a strong and free man. A weapon gives a person additional rights and forces other people to reckon with him.

6. Strive to earn more money in ways that are acceptable to you. The advice, of course, is banal, but in this case, I urge you not only to earn a lot, but also to save a certain amount of money in order to use it at the right time to solve your problems. Money, although not all problems can solve, but in many situations they are very useful. Because a lot of things in our life are bought and sold. Just remember that without developed thinking, without the necessary knowledge, money will not bring you much benefit, since you still need to be able to properly manage it. In our case, you need money to solve problems with it, so you must have savings for this purpose, and not in order to consume.

7. And of course, work out various scenarios for the development of events in your life, thinking through your actions in a variety of situations that are hostile to you. Think about what you will do if you find yourself in a dangerous situation for you.

As you can see, friends, there are many ways to resist someone else's aggression. I have named just a few of them. But in reality there are many more ways. The main thing you need to understand is that any form of aggression that you may encounter in life can, and I believe, should be adequately repelled by you. A person who is determined to fight, who wants to protect himself from various threats in every possible way, will always be able to do this. Therefore, never give up, do not give up and do not despair, so as not to allow evil to easily defeat you.

and say: “Take off the aggression from your face, people around…”

As they say, you cannot live in society and be free from society. And we are all social people, meeting with a mass of other people every day. And every day we all have to deal with the issues of interaction with this mass of other people. And, preferably, such an interaction, after which you don’t feel like a “squeezed lemon”. One of the most common problems of such interaction is foreign aggression.

No one is immune from this, so everyone periodically has to wonder, how to resist someone else's aggression? How not to accept it or how to protect yourself from it?

What should be the position inside so that it simply does not occur to people (even the most notorious "louts") to cling to you and behave aggressively towards you?

Or, if you ask the question in a different way, how do people who rarely encounter the aggression of strangers differ from people who constantly experience its effects on themselves?

I'm not talking about those moments when you are carelessly hurt in line or on the subway, when a cashier who is tired during the day allows herself to talk to you in an annoyed tone, or a person causes aggression by accidentally stepping on his foot.

I am talking about those moments when people purposefully, with full awareness and understanding of what they are doing, behave aggressively towards other people, deliberately “rude”, speak out, push, in general, provoke a person to respond.

I’ll make a reservation right away that never, under any circumstances, aggression appears “just like that” out of the blue, there is always a reason for its appearance. It's just that often this reason is not visible to the naked eye, and a person himself may not realize that he himself is the provocateur of someone else's aggression.

In what form can someone else's aggression manifest itself:

1. in the open. Everything is clear here, these are attacks from absolutely strangers, “rudeness” in transport and on the streets, “grandmothers-bulldozers” from the Soviet past, a neighbor - an aggressive drunkard, various kinds of people from the lower social stratum, people who are used to solving their problems in an aggressive way.
2. Hidden. Often friends and girlfriends “on the rights of friendship” allow themselves aggression. All this is expressed in impartial statements, advice that was not asked for, in various kinds of “disservices”. And often this is not realized by the person - the aggressor. He is in full confidence that he is "helping" his friend. All kinds of remarks, statements, criticism, just clinging to a person, seasoned with sauce “I know better how you live and what to do”, and aimed at making the person comfortable with such a “friend”, and doing what he wants . Also here can be attributed people who consider the rest of the "cattle" not worthy of attention. Such people always and everywhere behave like "kings", do not take into account other people's opinions, but they do this not in an open form, but showing with all their behavior. They just have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance.

In both cases, a person who has been subjected to someone else's aggression feels "drenched in slops", feels guilty for not being able to defend himself, feels humiliated, insulted, "unsettled".

Who are these people who constantly fall under the influence of foreign aggression? Or maybe not constantly, but periodically, and this complicates life.

Firstly, these are people who themselves have a lot of aggression inside, but who have prohibitions on its manifestation. A person realizes this aggression through the release of aggression from other people.

Here you can draw an analogy with people who are afraid of dogs. The dog feels this subconscious fear and bites or barks at just such a person. The same thing happens in the case of foreign aggression. The energy, internal state of a person is such that he “attracts” aggressors into his life. The people around feel, unmistakably single out the one who can be “naughty” by the position of the body, voice, facial expressions, appearance, demeanor, and so on.

Thus, life gives back. After all, people receive only what they have in themselves, but what they are afraid to admit, or what there are internal, very strong prohibitions.

Suppose a child grew up in an intelligent family, where it was impossible not only to show discontent, to look “wrongly”. And the educational process was aimed at suppressing the individual, all manifestations of discontent, up to a ban on being in a bad mood. This is just one of the examples.

Or families with fathers who are alcoholics, when children, under pain of physical violence, are afraid to anger their father. Imagine a child who grew up under conditions of constant physical abuse and moral humiliation. Such a child, due to his physical weakness in front of an older person, is simply forced to suppress the aggression inside.

Or a child grew up in a family where all problems were solved with the help of shouting, swearing, scolding. And even in adulthood, such a person experiences panic fear, panic, loss before talking in raised tones or rudeness. Up to various phobias.

Many examples can be given, but one thing unites such people.

These people are victims.

The aggressor needs to “drain” aggression, this is obvious, but only to the one who will NOT be able to respond. On the Victim, whose own aggression is suppressed. And since, as a rule, the aggressor inside himself is a Victim (the same suppressed one), he “feels” the same Victim in another person. And even if the Victim starts to “snarl”, then she will do it from the state of the Victim. And it will not lead to any positive result.

Secondly, people who attract aggressors suffer, most often, the so-called "Trauma of the rejected."

These are people who themselves seem “too big” in this world, they try to take up as little space as possible in it, they are afraid to seem uncomfortable or interfere with someone. They just psychologically do not allow themselves too much, for example, a higher salary, a more convenient and comfortable place to work, a big house or a car. Liz Burbo talks about this injury in her book. Here's an excerpt:

Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected feels it as a renunciation of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of being rejected appears first, which means that the cause of such a trauma in the life of a person appears earlier than others.

A suitable example is an unwanted child who was born “by chance”. A striking case is a child of the wrong sex. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child. It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, nevertheless, the child feels rejected for every, even petty, reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound not healed, it is very easy to stir it up. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of being rejected only intensifies.

From the day the baby feels rejected, it begins to develop a mask fugitive. This mask manifests itself physically in the form of an elusive physique, that is, a body (or body part) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, not be visible among others.

This body does not want to take up much space, it takes on the image of running away, escaping, and all its life it strives to take up as little space as possible. . When one sees a person who looks like a disembodied ghost - "skin and bones" - one can expect with a high degree of certainty that he is suffering from a deep trauma of a rejected being.

A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that it is not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of an unfinished, understaffed, consisting of fragments poorly fitted to each other. The left side of the face, for example, may differ markedly from the right, and this can be seen with the naked eye, there is no need to check with a ruler. When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those parts of the body where whole pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, hollows in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ),

Not to be present, so as not to suffer.

The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is a desire to run away, slip away, disappear. The child who feels rejected and creates a runaway mask usually lives in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often intelligent, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.

Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. Such children invent many ways to run away from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school.

The fugitive prefers not to be attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away when and where he pleases. It seems as if he really looks at everything material from the top down. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very hard for him to believe that he can be happy here.

The fugitive does not believe in his worth, he does not put himself in anything.

The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave at the same time, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. And in the family, and in any group of people, he is stewed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation.The deeper the trauma of the rejected, the stronger he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected or himself rejects.

And when a person with a "trauma of the rejected" goes out into the street, he often becomes the object of aggression of others. Again, such a person is in the state of the Victim, and people simply “mirror” this state to him.

Thirdly, people who suppress retaliatory aggression in themselves, "swallow" someone else's, do not allow themselves to give an adequate rebuff to the aggressor, are often victims of point, not constant, sudden aggression. For example, many cannot give an adequate rebuff to the boss's aggression. What happens next? A person suppresses a reciprocal aggressive impulse in himself, but this impulse requires compensation, so a person can “break loose” on loved ones in order to compensate for aggression. The one on whom they “broke off” transmits this aggression further until this impulse reaches the source of aggression (that is, the boss). This is how it always happens.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. -Keene Hubbard

So, we decided who, most often, those people who constantly experience the action of someone else's aggression. Now the natural question is what to do about it.

How to resist someone else's aggression?

1. Deal with yourself.

If a Victim “climbs” out of you - so obvious that it attracts aggressors, then you need to understand where this Victim came from. Whether you have “rejection trauma” or origins in your childhood, you need to understand exactly where you blocked your permission to respond and work in this direction. You need to understand that a person has the right to defend himself and respond to someone else's aggression. But it is more desirable to get rid of blockages and traumas, and then people will reflect your new attitude to you. How to do it?

1. Understand that someone else's aggression is not your problem.

These are the problems of the attacking aggressive person. It is HE who needs to “drain” aggression, and you just got in his way, and he wants to take advantage of this. And it is desirable to understand this not from the state of the Victim, but from the state of understanding that the “boor” is restless inside and he needs to put his spiritual excrement somewhere. And he is looking for such a "colostomy bag" in other people. Do you want to be a "colostomy bag"?

The mere understanding of this already contributes to separating you from the state of the Victim, which means it removes the aggressor's appetite for such “tasty” energy for him. After all, a person who behaves aggressively does it purposefully in order to receive the energy of attention directed at him. Separating your state from the state of the aggressor will allow you not to react too violently, and therefore, to prevent him from being recharged by your emotions.

1. Give an answer to the aggressor in an acceptable form.

This item disappears on its own when a person learns to be in a different internal state, the state of "boa constrictor". In the meantime, the recommendations are as follows.

If a person directs aggression at another, then he is subconsciously ready to receive it in response. Therefore, it is necessary to respond to aggression in any case, everywhere and always. Your self-esteem will thank you later. You need to respond to aggression with adequate aggression, you don’t even want to eat, even if it’s not typical for you, even if you know that you will lose time and effort in this conflict. Adequate rebuff consists in an immediate reaction aimed at showing that aggression has been noticed, and you will continue to rebuff if necessary: ​​“Be careful”, “Be careful”, “Talk to me in a polite tone”, “You hurt me” , "Stop yelling at me", and so on.

Moreover, this should not be said in a trembling voice, but in a calm, confident tone, if possible looking into the eyes. Show that you do not need conflict, but you can stand up for yourself. No need to be "rude", shout back, you will not achieve anything by this, you will only accept other people's rules of the game on a foreign field. But if a person takes the situation into his own hands, then he controls the situation, and not she manages it. By the way, if you do not answer anything, then this is the same as accepting someone else's rules of the game.

At the same time, the goal of retaliatory aggression is not to get satisfaction and win against the “loud”, to be cool and put him in his place. That is, the goal is not to win in "rudeness". The goal is to not be harmed by aggressive people, to remain inwardly calm and knowing that you were able to stand up for yourself. Do not feel like a "colopymium" afterwards.

All these recommendations are good when aggression directed at you suddenly overtakes you, you are not prepared for this, and you need to react quickly. But all your life you will not walk in a state of “combat readiness”, therefore, in principle, you need to achieve such an internal state when it simply does not occur to people to attack you out of the blue.

What needs to be done for this?

1. Learn to defend your boundaries.

Always and everywhere you need to learn to defend your boundaries. By analogy with the state. A normal state will always severely suppress attempts to violate its borders, both explicit and implicit. Only, unlike the state, the boundaries of a person are more easily controlled by him. And if the border of the state can still be violated and go unnoticed, then if the borders of a person are violated, our built-in self-esteem system will always signal this. This can manifest itself as anger, protest, irritation, for example, when loved ones get into your life without your permission, dissatisfaction is possible, and other manifestations expressed on an emotional level. Basically, everyone has experienced this.

Any person who has violated your boundaries should receive an adequate response. Even the closest people, parents, wives-husbands should know that you will not allow your boundaries to be violated. This does not mean that you should go into swearing and “rudeness”, or a disregard for the requests and criticism of relatives. You can always pick up words, not without reason Russian - great and powerful - and explain what you don't like, that without your permission they are trying to make you convenient for others.

1. Learn to be in a state of balance, calmness. In a "boa constriction" state.

This does not mean at all that if you have been subjected to aggressive attacks from another person, then you need to stand in "nirvana" and not react in any way. No, the state of balance means that even if you are silent in response to “rudeness”, not because you suppress aggression in yourself, but because it does not cling to you in any way, and it is so “indifferent” to this aggression that even too lazy to respond. But this is a reason to think, because, as I said, an aggressive impulse does not form out of the blue.

Usually, the internal state of calmness with unreasonable “rudeness” is violated, and if you swallow an insult or suppress reciprocal aggression in yourself, then the internal state of calmness will be violated even more. Therefore, you need to answer, but from a state of balance, NOT a Victim, NOT a “loud”, not because you need to answer, but only so that the aggressor would be silent, and “whatever it was.”

You need to learn to be in a state of "boa constrictor", which, in which case, can bite off your head. And if another person suddenly decides to “merge” aggression on you, then you will no longer be a “rabbit” who is afraid and cowardly. You will be at least an equal “boa constrictor”, and somewhere you will even surpass an aggressive person in terms of energy. And he will understand that you will not let yourself be offended, and will simply bypass you on the “tenth road”.

What NOT to do in case of someone else's aggression?

1. "To be rude", to swear in response. The first place in the “rudeness” competition is far from the best prize. And yes, it is not environmentally friendly.
2. Shut up and "swallow". In this case, consider that you yourself have made an energy breakdown. For a long time you will be indignant and swear “to yourself”, grind this situation inside, getting annoyed with yourself, and blame yourself for not repulsing the impudent one.
3. Keep silent and internally "accept". In this case, you allow your boundaries to be violated by anyone who comes to mind. And it feels like you become a "colopyemnik" that anyone can use.

Once again, I want to repeat that never, under any circumstances, an aggressive impulse arises just like that. If aggression is directed at you, it means that you suppressed it inside instead of responding to it and compensating for this alien aggressive impulse.

And on the aggression suppressed inside, you “pulled” aggression from another person, in order to throw it out and not become a dump of complexes. We can say that this is how the “circle of aggression” works in nature. A person is forced to suppress aggression inside when he cannot give an adequate rebuff, when his boundaries are violated, when there are unprocessed injuries that need to be worked out.

Aggression is the only adequate reaction to one's own helplessness. – Baghdasaryan A

The ideal case for a person is in a “boa constrictor” state, so that it would not occur to others to direct their aggression against you.

Learning to be in "nirvana"

P.S. The book I talked about in the article is Liz Bourbeau's Five Injuries That Keep You From Being Yourself.

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Conflicts happen in everyone's life, and sometimes it is not easy to agree with the interlocutor. What to do if you literally feel the aggression emanating from your opponent and are about to explode yourself?

Fortunately, there are some really helpful steps that will help you solve the problem and not fall into the dirt face. Remember, it will surely come in handy.

As the great Carlson said (and he was damn right), “calm, only calm!”. There is absolutely no point in freaking out, even if you feel like you are bursting with anger. A deep breath and a little warm-up will help relieve tension and not say too much.

Do not forget that everyone can make mistakes - you and your interlocutor as well. Try to imagine yourself in the opponent's place and look at the situation from his point of view - how would you feel then? It is possible that difficult times are now in his life, and this is what causes anger and aggression.

Even if a person has a thousand reasons to show aggression, do not let him throw it out on you. Speak in an even tone and do not raise your voice. This will instill confidence, not the desire to "scream" you. If the degree of dialogue is getting higher, do not forget to remind the interlocutor of mutual respect.

In a conflict, nothing is easier than snapping back. Try to control yourself and react to the words of the interlocutor more calmly. A little practice - and soon you will be able to see something good even in the most evil person.

Do not take insults from aggressive people to heart. Use the pronouns “I” instead of “you” (“I feel”, “I am offended”, “I am angry”, “I think”) more often, try to build a dialogue between your “maturity” and his “maturity” - without offensive words, provocations and accusations. Such an "adult" tone will unsettle the brawler and make you listen to you.

If a person is overcome by emotions, it does not matter at all how strong the argument is in his hands. Say only what you are sure of, and concentrate as much as possible to explain your position as clearly as possible. Do not forget that truth is subjective - look for the original unifying meaning, that is, what is behind the words.

If your conversation is increasingly reminiscent of a quarrel and it is not possible to establish communication in any way, defuse the situation and turn on a sense of humor. Make a person smile, laugh at the current situation - and you will disarm him at the same moment, erasing the remnants of aggression and anger.

In the modern world, everyone can face manifestations of aggressive behavior that can develop into an open conflict. The reason for this is the frantic pace of life, frequent stress, people's inability to find compromises, correctly express their emotions and feelings, and much more. Therefore, it is so important to know how to resist aggression, defuse the tense atmosphere and get out of the conflict situation with dignity.

Types of aggression

• Depending on the means with which it operates:

1. Physical - infliction of physical injuries, the use of physical force;
2. verbal or verbal - shouting, swearing, verbal threats and accusations;

• Depending on the way of its manifestation:

1. direct - open and directly aimed at the opponent;
2. indirect - hidden, veiled, but its purpose is also to unsettle a person from the rut of emotional balance and tranquility.

How to counter different types of aggression?

physical aggression

As a rule, any kind of aggression is shown by a person who has problems with self-esteem. Most likely, it is critically underestimated. Therefore, in such a situation it is difficult, and even dangerous, to object to the aggressor - convincing him of inferiority and wrongness can provoke an even greater release of testosterone. Trying to compare forces is not the best idea if you do not know self-defense techniques. The only response in this case is to resort to outside help, especially if the opponent is physically stronger. Physical manifestations of aggressive behavior are rare. Much more common is this type of aggression, as verbal.

Verbal aggression

Methods of verbal aggression: accusations, insults, swearing, shouting, cruel jokes and witticisms. The purpose of this is to take a person out of his comfortable emotional state, bring him to a breakdown, create an unbearable atmosphere in which it will be unrealistic to stay. Such behavior is aimed at humiliating the individual, human dignity, and if the aggressor has low self-esteem, then he often asserts himself in this way. Often this is done in the form of a "performance" - a game for the viewer. The reaction of others, the confusion of the "victim" only increase the enthusiasm of the aggressor and increase the degree of tension of the situation.

In order to resist verbal aggression and get out of such a situation, while maintaining self-esteem, one must not succumb to provocations. It should be remembered that rarely a self-sufficient and mature person will stoop to such a "performance". After all, serious and adult people are able to resolve the brewing conflict and other problems by diplomatic means. This means that the aggressor, who operates instead of arguments with the range of his voice, is a person who is most likely weak, cowardly and narrow-minded. In such a dispute, it is important to feel confident, not to give up weakness and maintain dignity. And the offender will soon realize that his intrigues and attacks are like children's teasers in relation to a reasonable and reasonable adult

Indirect aggression

Another type of aggression that occurs quite often is indirect. It includes forms of hidden, veiled aggressive behavior that do not directly concern a person, but are also aimed at humiliating his personal dignity. These include: denunciations, depreciation, moral terror, ignoring. Such a manifestation of aggression is dangerous because the conflict is hidden, and the main tension that reigns between people is not on the surface of the iceberg, but below. Hidden aggression can not always be unambiguously identified, because sometimes the aggressor can even deny its existence. Therefore, it is more difficult to work and respond adequately in such a situation.

To begin with, it is important to understand what is the reason for this behavior. You need to loudly and clearly state your displeasure and that the offender has no moral rights to insults, even veiled ones. Here it is important to maintain self-control and self-esteem, not to show your fear and timidity in front of your opponent, but to be confident and calm. If aggression manifests itself in the form of leveling merit, you can keep track of personal achievements, and at the most necessary moment provide arguments in your favor. Aggression in the form of ignore is best defeated by the same “weapon”. Do not be offended by a person, but pretend that he does not exist, and his behavior does not bother you, it is indifferent. Thus, his maneuvers will either intensify and reach another, obvious level, and it will be easier to deal with them, or they will be completely abandoned.

How to resolve conflict

If, nevertheless, the confrontation has escalated and the conflict is in the phase of escalation or "boiling point", you need to follow some rules of behavior in a problem situation:

1. Sometimes the views of two people can diverge. But you can come to a compromise solution that is beneficial for both. It is important to discuss all options. Surely there is an option that will satisfy both parties.
2. Don't get personal. Let the clarification relate to a specific problem, situation, and not the personality of the opponent (his friends, relatives). In the hottest skirmish, it is important not to move on to personal topics that are very painful, and most likely not relevant to the case. This means that discussing them will in no way resolve the conflict, but will only aggravate it.
3. Look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Perhaps there are shortcomings in your behavior, the way you respond?
4. Feel free to state your wishes. Listen carefully to the opinion of the opposite side. By this, a person does not show that he agrees, but makes it clear that the opponent has been heard. By the way, sometimes futile attempts to convey your thoughts and point of view provoke a conflict. And just by listening to a different position, you can achieve a settlement of a difficult situation.

Skillfully resisting aggressive behavior, without even bringing the situation to the upper boiling point, is real.

Writer Alain Ouelle, in his book How to Deal with Difficult People, gives advice to those individuals who often fall under the influence of an aggressor:

• Watch yourself. The proverb says that they are greeted by clothes. An untidy, untidy appearance affects the attitude and disposition towards a person. Such people often cause neglect, for others they do not carry much significance. Therefore, they become an easy “victim” of the manipulator and aggressor.
• If, nevertheless, the opponent's conflict behavior is not fair, try not to stoop to the position of the victim. Aggressors draw energy for such destructive behavior in fear and humiliation of others. If a person remains adamant and unperturbed, it will be impossible to manipulate him. And soon the negative flow will dry up.
• Study yourself. Some people provoke aggression on their involuntary defiant behavior. Is a person so tolerant, loyal to others, does not resort to manipulation or open pressure? Perhaps aggression from the outside is a way of communicating with you, adequately caused by your behavior.
• Get rid of phobias. A person who fears aggression towards himself in his soul unconsciously attracts it. He involuntarily becomes a victim of his fear.

It is possible to get out of a conflict with dignity. It is worth making a little effort on yourself and overcoming the fear, quite logical, before the actions of the aggressor. Inner victory over oneself is another step towards self-improvement and personal growth. Moreover, endurance, calmness and equanimity act soberingly. By preventing the abuser from manipulating fear and taking pleasure in conflict, it is realistic to permanently leave the target category of victims.