Union of dissimilar download fb2 full version. Yehezkel Madanes: The Union of Dissimilars. How to create a happy family not in spite of, but because of your differences. The essence of the Adizes theory

Now let's talk about the rules for building strong relationships.

The first rule is . It may sound trite, but without this feeling, there can be no question of a strong relationship.

The second rule is forget the past, and not only his own. In no case should you torment your partner with all sorts of questions about first love, previous relationships before marriage. For himself, he has already taken out certain “checkpoints” from past relationships, and it’s not at all necessary for you to know them, and even contraindicated! It is necessary to behave in such a way that your loved one is convinced every day of the correctness of his choice and makes plans for your joint future.

The third important rule concerns . Each of us has our own established habits that are embedded in us by nature, living conditions and character, and sometimes getting rid of them is a big problem. A habit is not a desire that can be controlled, it is an action on a subconscious level, the control over which must be developed over time.

Also, do not impose on your partner actions that are not characteristic of him. Let's say your young man / girl is faced with a certain choice. All you can do is give them support with advice, but never impose a pattern of what you would do. This is their life and their choice, which they themselves can and must determine. Even in the case of a wrong choice and subsequent mistake, they will receive a real life Lesson. As for personal space, each partner must certainly have it. For some, this is dancing, for others, creativity, sports, regular meetings with friends, the main condition of which is an action performed without a partner. You have to rest from each other, it is impossible to be together around the clock, this does not improve relations, and sometimes even vice versa.

The fourth rule of a strong relationship is to learn the technique of compromise. This does not mean that you need to accumulate unspoken grievances in yourself, on the contrary, you should say them. But do it in private, delicately, without raising your voice or using harsh language.

Fifth - be interested in the hobbies of the second half. Naturally, your husband's hobbies do not have to be your hobbies. For example, if you are a woman, no one forces you to become a fan of football or fishing. But you can inquire about the result of a football match or praise your spouse for bringing prey, even if it consists of small fish.

The sixth rule - it does not make sense to ignore or downplay the quality of the sexual side of the relationship. Sex allows you to move away from stressful situations and restrictions, allows you to make peace, get closer to your partner. As soon as sex is at a low level, conflicts and problems begin to arise literally from scratch. The sexual world is much more intimate and intimate for a person than other areas of life, so the dissonance in sex is perceived by partners much more emotionally than all domestic quarrels. Downplaying the importance of sex is a fairly common barrier to developing and improving relationships. Sexual life is an area where partners create their own unique intimate world, which they protect and build together.

And the last, perhaps the most important rule - of course, you need to strive for the ideal in relationships, but you should not make this desire the goal of life. Absolutely perfect relationships do not exist, and each couple goes through their own difficulties. But the end result is important - whether you were able to overcome them together or gave up.

Love and be loved!

Yitzhak Calderon Adizes, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes

A union of dissimilarities. How to create a happy family not in spite of, but because of your differences

Published with permission from The Adizes Institute LLC and Sandermoen Business Management AG

Science Editor Anna Chedia Sandermoen

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

* * *

Introduction

I am a management consultant. But in fact, the word "consultant" does not quite accurately reflect the nature of my work. I do organizational or corporate therapy.

The system of organizational therapy, which I have been working on for over 40 years, is described in 20 books published in 26 languages and thousands of pages of consultation protocols. Thanks to the Adizes Institute, this methodology is used in companies everywhere. Now there are branches of the Institute in 10 countries of the world.

Over the years that I have worked with hundreds of companies and thousands of executives, in their testimonials, clients tell me that they apply the Adizes methodology that we taught them in consultations, and in family life. People note that it changes their relationship in the union for the better. Others even believe that she saved their marriage. We are talking about the usual difficulties of mutual understanding and everything that everyone faces in marriage, and not the problems that result from personal psychological deficiencies that require professional intervention.

I was asked to write a book that would show how to apply the Adizes methodology in family life. But alas, I don't have time for that. For years, I have been hard at work advising major corporations and government leaders around the world. When did I have to write such a book?

By a stroke of luck, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes became fascinated with my theory and asked permission to write a book on applying the PAEI Adizes manual styles to the enneagrams in which they specialize. I agreed and their book was published and translated into three languages.

Then I learned that they didn't just teach how to apply the enneagram. They conduct family and relationship training using this approach. “Why don’t you try applying the Adizes theory as well?” I asked.

They liked the idea very much. Thus this book was born.

Both Yehezkel and Ruth listened to my course of lectures. They received theoretical training in the application of the Adizes methodology, read all my books, and used the accumulated material for the first draft version of this work. I have made additions and corrections to the text where there was a lack of clarity. Without Ezekiel and Ruth, the book would not have been possible, and I am very grateful to them for their work.

The essence of the Adizes theory

Both organizations and families are essentially systems. For their successful operation, a number of conditions must be met. Firstly, there are many responsibilities to fulfill: taking care of each other, caring for the house and children, providing the necessary income, etc. Secondly, discipline and rules are required in the family, otherwise there will be no order in it. The latter must change depending on the circumstances, since marriage is a choice for many years and over time, in order to remain functional, it must evolve. Finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on closeness, mutual assistance and ... love.

Four roles need to be realized in the family in order for all this to become possible: production of results (Production - P), administration (Administration - A), entrepreneurship (Enterpreneurship - E) and integration (Integration - I), in general PAEI. When one or more roles are not fulfilled, the marriage begins to lack something and is in danger of breaking on the rocks.

This book presents an interesting concept of marriage and family. Like any other concept, this one has a clear definition and interpretation, the author stated everything very clearly, supplemented it with illustrative examples, laid it out on the shelves and summed everything up under his concept.

Marriage is seen here as a system, for the successful operation of which four components are necessary:
P - production (actions)
A - administration (organization and order)
E - entrepreneurship (fresh ideas)
I - integration (feelings, support)
All four components are necessary to create a strong family. In each of the spouses, these components may appear to a significant / prevailing degree, to a sufficient / minimally possible extent, or not to appear at all. In order for all four roles to exist and work in a marriage, it is important to ensure that they are present and to keep a balance.
Complementary qualities of spouses are the very thing that will help here the best. The title of the book says just that: one can be absolutely different people, but use these differences to your advantage. The point is to understand the nature of this otherness and figure out what to do with it.

The book helps you understand how things are in your family and what components you and your spouse have. In the course of reading, the vision may change - more information, more understanding; besides, the unambiguity is somewhat smoothed out. Perhaps it would be worth increasing the gradation scale for the predominance of a role in a person - I still mentally cannot put my feelings into three levels: prevails / appears a little / does not appear at all. However, due to the smoothing of that very unambiguity, a deeper understanding comes, which does not require formal definitions.
It also explains why it is so important to have all four ingredients; theory is enough to not only give rise to an understanding of what was written, but also to be able to guess what was not written - so that you can shift it to reality, make corrections and not go away from the essence.
There are also specific instructions on what to do if a role is not enough or, conversely, one of the roles is redundant. How in conflict situation understand what role speaks in you and what role in your spouse in this moment answers you - and what to do with it, how to build a conversation, how to formulate thoughts in a form that is necessary and understandable to another.

The concept is interesting, and after getting to know it, it is curious to look at your own family from this point of view, with a new look. The main thing here is not to forget that this is just a concept. Yes, it's nice to suddenly begin to realize something new, to notice, to look from a different viewing angle; but still, to bring everything under it and try to cram everything into some new framework means to narrow the boundaries.
In general, the book is useful, I would advise at least to get acquainted with one more concept, one more vision.

Yitzhak Calderon Adizes, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes

A union of dissimilarities. How to create a happy family not in spite of, but because of your differences

Published with permission from The Adizes Institute LLC and Sandermoen Business Management AG

Science Editor Anna Chedia Sandermoen

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

* * *

Introduction

I am a management consultant. But in fact, the word "consultant" does not quite accurately reflect the nature of my work. I do organizational or corporate therapy.

Over the years that I have worked with hundreds of companies and thousands of executives, in their testimonials, clients tell me that they apply the Adizes methodology, which we taught them in consultations, and in family life. People note that it changes their relationship in the union for the better. Others even believe that she saved their marriage. We are talking about the usual difficulties of mutual understanding and everything that everyone faces in marriage, and not the problems that result from personal psychological deficiencies that require professional intervention.

They liked the idea very much. Thus this book was born.

The essence of the Adizes theory

All four roles of PAEI cannot be performed at the same time, much less alone. Marriage is a complementary team, where one partner takes on some roles and the other takes on the rest. That's why opposites attract.

The trouble is that when people with dissimilar behavior styles live together, they have conflicts, sometimes turning into a destructive phase and leading to divorce. But sometimes such collisions help development and self-realization. It all depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.

In this book, we will talk about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family. We hope that our work will not only captivate you, but also help strengthen your family.

Enjoy reading,Itzhak Adizes, Santa Barbara, CaliforniaYehezkel and Ruth Madanes, Jerusalem, Israel

Part I Modern Marriages and Families: The State of the Art

Chapter 1

“When I was little, I respected my father, he was an authority for me,” says Tomy, a 34-year-old specialist (married, two children). “The last word was always his. Growing up, I thought that one day it would be my turn. And now I'm a father myself, and they wipe their feet on me. I climb out of my skin, working day and night, I come home in the evening and do not see respect for myself - neither as a husband, nor as a father. Whatever you say to my wife, she's not right. And if I act like my father, she will say that I am a tyrant.”

Judy, Tommy's wife, is also deeply unhappy. “I remember the tears of a mother… forever downcast… forever pushed back. She didn't have the right to vote. I don't want to live like her. I have my own job. I am a smart, educated woman. I have an opinion and I want to be heard. I'm not going to give up my right to decide what I do in my house. And I want not only to be on a par with my husband, I need him to take on household chores. I also work every day - no less - than he, and this is the minimum that I expect. Now everything is different. Husband and wife should share everything equally.

What is going on? Relationships between men and women have been turned upside down. There has been a catastrophic shift in culture. Change is happening at breakneck speed; it seems that there is not a single family left in the world that they would not touch. For millennia, traditionally accepted family roles seemed unshakable. And suddenly the foundations were shaken, and instability reached an unprecedented level. There is no longer any clarity. Suddenly it turned out that men and women are "people from different planets." There are courses, seminars, and books—essentially an industry, a culture that mushrooms after the rain—to help people keep their marriages alive in this chaos.

What kind of husband and father would you like to be? Like John Wayne, resolute and firm, a real master in the house, always deciding everything for everyone? If you have children, they would probably stare at you in disbelief, like a stilted character from an old movie where men are proud of their toughness. And the wife, perhaps, would say: “Darling, come on, think again and put this macho man in your pocket or somewhere else.” No wonder men are confused. They no longer know how to behave. They are expected to be firm and supportive and at the same time sensitive and compliant. In the new culture, many women still want to have a provider nearby: skilled, tough, risky, stereotyped masculinity - but enhanced by some feminine qualities, able to listen, understand and accept. Hard, but not dominant; firm, but attentive, caring, loving, sensitive and gentle.

Relationships between men and women have been turned upside down.

And a man, taking into account the new economic realities - the family budget, the ideas of an equal contribution to the total income, everything that is inherent in the consumer mentality - expects that his wife will also become a breadwinner, will, rolling up her sleeves, multiply income, while remaining gentle, caring and loving mother. He expects that, returning home after a crazy day at work, she will be full of warmth, smiles, love, meekness and tolerance.

It is not surprising that under such new conditions of the game, when partners are constantly exchanging roles and power, and their requirements for each other are constantly changing, more than half of the families break up. People cannot adapt to change so quickly. As this book will make clear, change brings conflict and problems. As soon as you cope with one adversity, the next wave of changes comes, bringing new troubles and strife. What to do? You can't keep up with the pace of change. And your family is at risk. And who can put an end to a series of problems?

Due to this disaster, several myths have emerged that affect relationships. Here are collected those of them that affect modern couples most destructively.

Change leads to conflict and problems.

1. Somewhere, an ideal prince or princess, an ideal soulmate, is certainly waiting for us. We need to look further and not despair.

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Book Description

Both organizations and families are systems. For the successful operation of the system that is marriage, the implementation of four roles is necessary. Carrying out many responsibilities: taking care of each other, looking after the house and children, providing the income the family needs, etc.

Being a system, the family needs discipline and rules; otherwise there will be no order in it. The order must change depending on the circumstances, because marriage is a choice for many years, and over time, in order to remain functional, it must evolve. And, finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on closeness, mutual assistance and ... love.

So, in the family, four different roles must be realized in order for all these actions to become possible: Production of results (Production - P), Administration (Administration - A), Entrepreneurship (Enterpreneurship - E) and Integration (Integration - I), which and make up the abbreviation PAEI. In the event that one or more roles are not fulfilled, something will be missing in the marriage, and it risks breaking on the rocks.

No one can perform all four PAEI roles at the same time. Marriage is a complementary team, where one of the partners takes on one part of the roles, and the other takes on the rest. This explains why opposites attract.

However, conflicts often arise between people with dissimilar styles of behavior. The conflict can go into a destructive phase and lead to divorce. And it can help further development and self-realization. It depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.

This is a book about mutual respect and trust, and how to develop and nurture them in your family.