“By 2030, we will face an epidemic of loneliness.” Talk about why we feel bad without other people - People onliner.by
“By 2030, we will face an epidemic of loneliness.” Talk about why we feel bad without other people
Modern research shows that every second person on earth has experienced loneliness or is suffering from it now, and the fear of loneliness is comparable in strength to the fear of death. Why has this problem come to the fore in developed countries? What to do about it and is it worth doing something at all? We argue in the traditional "Non-format".
Who is it?
Arseniy Volodko is a psychologist, trainer and HR consultant. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology, received a specialization in Clinical Psychology with the participation of the Lateran University (Italy).
“50% of people either episodically or chronically experience feelings of loneliness”
How lonely are Belarusians? We do not have a European approach to the family, children live with their parents for quite a long time. Parents are rarely sent to a nursing home, they also often live near children ...
Unfortunately, there are no specific Belarusian studies on loneliness. There are no sufficiently representative opinion polls. In the United States and the European Union, such studies were carried out on a larger scale. They showed that either episodic or chronically, up to 50% of people experience feelings of loneliness. Just recently on one of our TV channels there was a program on this topic, and in the public channel on social networks, where hundreds of people voted, it turned out that 40% of the voters were single. Of course, this is not scientific research, but the fact is indicative.
In fact, every person on the planet has experienced this feeling at least once in their life. For most, loneliness is extremely painful. It is most acutely experienced by adolescents and the elderly. Those who are between these two ages are less likely to experience such a feeling.
Generally, people experience loneliness in three broad areas of relationships: romantic, social, and familial.
About romantic and social relationships is understandable. But how can you be lonely in a family? After all, a family is often created to get rid of this feeling. Paradox…
Yes, it is generally accepted that the family saves a person from loneliness, that a family person is much less susceptible to loneliness. Here the situations in the post-Soviet space and in the same Europe and America are radically different. Oddly enough, in our country, people with families tend to feel more lonely than people without families.
Why is this happening? These are our cultural characteristics.
Our families do not accept open, close, trusting relationships. There is no tradition to share the innermost with each other without fear of condemnation or reproach.
I remember once in a conversation with a friend I said that we have dinner as a family and tell each other how the day went. She was very surprised: it is not so in her family. And for some reason, this tradition has gone away for many, and with it, the ability to build relationships has also been lost. Yes, we tend to ask: "How are you?"
But everyone answers formally: "Normal." And actually, this conversation ends. Rarely does anyone tell the truth.
Whether you're an extrovert or an introvert, everyone has this need. Everyone has a need for acceptance, love, emotional support, to be heard, to be significant.
“Researchers compared the consequences of loneliness with the negative effect of smoking 15 cigarettes a day”
What happens to a person if these needs are not met? Alcohol, workaholism, compulsive shopping?
There is a stressful situation. And the human body, including the psyche, lives in a situation of reaction to stress. And the longer a person experiences these unpleasant moments, the more he experiences stress and accumulates it. So, the longer stress takes its toll on health.
I was very surprised by one of the American studies, conducted on 3 million people over several decades. His conclusions were disappointing. The researchers compared the consequences of loneliness with the negative effect of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. For a teenager, loneliness in terms of negative effects is about the same as obesity and lack of physical activity. For older people, the state of loneliness is more dangerous than diabetes.
Before the study, it was believed that loneliness exacerbates the risk of disease and death by 50%. The study found that this figure is close to 90%.
Even experiments on rats have shown that prolonged isolation leads to an increase in tumors, up to the destruction of the immune system.
If we talk about the mechanisms, then this is a long-term effect of stress. Every day a person stays, maybe not in a conscious, but in a stressful situation. And the first to fail is the immune system, and then the whole body.
When loneliness is not realized, sooner or later it will result in dysfunction. The emergence of health problems is, oddly enough, also a solution to the problem of loneliness. A disease has appeared - now it is clear what to do with it, where to go and how to worry. After all, there are no rules in the feeling of loneliness.
Not surprisingly, researchers are sounding the alarm. At several scientific conferences where such reports were made, scientists expressed the opinion that if nothing changes at the state level in the near future, then by 2030 it will be possible to talk about an epidemic of loneliness.
The saddest thing is that people in this stressful situation behave, let's say, not very adequately, using negative scenarios of behavior: confrontation and isolation from others, aggressive and painful reactions, withdrawal into themselves, avoidance and self-blame. A person does not become nice, but, on the contrary, becomes so unbearable that it is impossible to approach him. And by his behavior, he rather exacerbates his condition.
- And how should one act in a healthy way?
The ability to cope with loneliness is a conscious behavior and regulation of one's own behavior by a person, aimed at adapting to the situation and the ability to control it. In other words, I understand why I feel bad, and I know what to do to improve my condition. Roughly speaking, I am aware that I am lonely and this is due to the lack of my communication skills. So, I go and develop them. I go to places where there are opportunities and specially organized spaces, and satisfy these needs of mine, develop my abilities.
But very few people think the same way. Basically, how is it going? Everyone thinks that they, like that princess in the castle, will sit. And then suddenly r-time - and saved the knight.
- And immediately life became beautiful, the world brightened up, everything around blossomed, a happy ending, like in Hollywood films.
But, alas, that won't happen.
“Before, your survival was largely determined by the ability to build communications”
Is it possible to get rid of loneliness by communicating on social networks? After all, it would seem that you register on Facebook with 2 billion people or on VKontakte with 380 million. At worst, on Odnoklassniki, there are 70 million users. Please communicate...
In reality, this is an illusion of some kind of closeness and accessibility. But this is indirect communication, the person is not nearby. After all, when a person is lonely and does not yet realize the need for communication, he speaks allegorically. It is difficult to understand him and tete-a-tete without active listening, when you need to ask a lot of clarifying questions. And then the text, the monitor, and so on.
It turns out that it was today's society with the illusion of accessibility of communication that gave rise to the problem of loneliness?
Psychological problems of a person at the individual level do not arise in isolation from the development of society. Each period has its own psychological problems. This is the eternal question, being determines consciousness or consciousness being.
If we look at what is happening in the civilized society to which we belong, we will see several obvious trends. The manifesto for individualization was brought by hippies in the 60s and 70s.
Before that, the society dominated the personality. In our culture, society dominated the individual until the collapse of the USSR. There was no way to stand out. The education system also worked to create some element of the state system: school uniforms, collectivism, no individuality. In Europe, such a system has already been abandoned in favor of the disclosure of individuality.
Again, technology has led to the fact that now you do not need a large number of social contacts in order to survive. You can work as a freelancer and be more isolated from people. Previously, there was no such possibility.
People are social beings, we have a need to communicate and a desire to communicate at the genetic level. Previously, your survival was largely determined by the ability to build communications and the ability to integrate into social relationships. Everything looks different now.
What is commonly called a postmodern society has emerged. And fundamentally something to do with this problem of loneliness in the near future will not succeed. Unless a new public manifesto appears, supported at all levels, including states.
With such a public debt and a difficult situation in the economy, it will probably not be soon in our country. Now there are more mundane issues.
And in all countries, not only ours. For us, this will require a radical restructuring of the education system, while there is no strength and opportunity for this ... As philosophers say, "to overcome postmodernism is nothing less than doing the impossible."
“Children and loved ones should not be a guarantee of the absence of loneliness, and it’s stupid to demand this from them”
We talked about how loneliness is a subjective feeling. Isn't this a problem of selfishness and self-centeredness of a person? I don’t want to change and I’m waiting for “my” person ...
No, it is rather a problem of an undeveloped and non-working skill. After all, building contacts is a skill. It’s not that in the maternity hospital they put a tag on our leg “sociable” or “closed”. Yes, family, school, university influenced this skill. But it can be developed throughout life.
In a large city, unlike small ones, there are a lot of different opportunities: if you want to play mafia - please, if you want board games - please, millions of interest clubs. Similarly, a bunch of training and everything else.
The main difficulty is that a person does not consider this as a problem and does not try to find a way out. Moreover, he chooses negative scenarios for living this: he is even more isolated, falls into depression.
Is loneliness worth it? After all, very often single men and women are told: “And who will give you a glass of water in old age?”
There is a good joke about this: how perverted do you have to be to get involved in all this for the sake of a glass of water? It's easier to buy this same glass of water.
If a person has not learned to be alone, then he should not start a relationship. Otherwise, he risks entering into an emotionally dependent relationship. And emotional dependence is not love. Although it looks like this, it is not true. And the addict will not be happy.
After all, if a person has a strong fear of loneliness, he will grab the first one that comes across. So she gets married, and then comes to a psychologist and complains that she is alone in the family.
Therefore, the experience of young people living separately is important. It is very good when from the age of 18 they live separately on their own money and are completely autonomous. A person learns to be alone and knows how to live with it. And he comes to a conscious understanding that he is with another not because it is bad for one, but because it is better than one.
Again, you should think about loneliness in old age in advance. And not in terms of having children. Children and loved ones should not be a guarantee of the absence of loneliness, and it is stupid to demand this from them. The responsibility for the quality of my life rests solely with me, and no one else.
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