Jokes - pictures, video jokes, funny stories and anecdotes. Jokes - pictures, video jokes, funny stories and anecdotes And I'll ask you to stay Stirlitz film

The situation with Bronev is very simple, in fact.

He played some roles in films. For my taste, he played well, mostly, but this is all a matter of taste - some may not like it, but others are absolutely delighted. However, the fact is that the characters he played live in the space of Russian culture, and will continue to live.

If you have any complaints about the ideological content of the characters he played, these are questions mainly for the director. According to Muller (a charming Gestapo fascist), these are questions for Lioznova (she, by the way, died on September 29, 2011). Born in Moscow on July 20, 1924 in a Jewish family. Parents: Moses Alexandrovich and Ida Izrailevna Lioznov. Moses Alexandrovich died in 1941 in people's militia(at least officially it is considered so).

In 1949, Lioznova graduated from the directing department of VGIK. She was assigned to the film studio named after. M. Gorky, but was immediately fired (I wonder why). In 1958 she made her first film, Memory of the Heart, based on the script by Sergei Gerasimov and Tamara Makarova (Makarova played the main female role), and in 1961, Evdokia, based on the story by Vera Panova. And so on.

In 1973, Lioznova completed work on the 12-episode television film “Seventeen Moments of Spring” (based on the novel by Yulian Semyonov), for which she was awarded the Order October revolution. Contrary to existing opinion, the film did not receive the USSR State Prize. Neither Lioznova nor Semyonov received a state prize.

Why she made this film and how she made it is an interesting question, and Imho needs research. It is characteristic that after “Seventeen Moments of Spring” Lioznova did not make films for six years and was engaged in teaching.

Lioznova’s latest film is a three-part television series called “The End of the World followed by a Symposium” - an adaptation of the play by American playwright Arthur Kopit. The film stars Armen Dzhigarkhanyan, Oleg Tabakov, Evgeny Vesnik, Oleg Basilashvili, Dmitry Pevtsov. Due to the ongoing changes in the country anti-American propaganda film was no longer needed by television editors. It was shown once in early March 1987 and was never repeated. It is available on torrents, you can download it and look at the dull performance of the then USSR movie stars against their beloved America (and, characteristically, this film is not on Rutracker).

Well, we figured out the roles of Bronevoy. And what kind of person he is - it’s better not to touch it at all. The images are separate - and the person is separate.

Well, when you drive a Toyota car, are you really interested in what kind of morals Toyoda himself had, how the designers of this car lived, who cheated whom, framed whom, raped, killed and ate? Surely it doesn’t even occur to you to be interested in this. It’s enough for you to know that the car turned out like this.

It's the same with actors. Their product is the image you see on the screen. Enjoy the look, and forget all these unnecessary details about the manufacturer's personal sex life.

Does not work? Then think about who FORCED you to pay attention to the personalities of these actors, and why this was done. Alain Delon doesn't drink cologne, yeah. Don't you care what he drinks there? Yes, at least polish.

Among fans of the history of the intelligence services of the Third Reich, this anecdote is popular. This piece of folk art perfectly reflects one of the myths associated with the life of Heinrich Müller.

...End of April 1945. On the banks of the Resch Spree stand Müller and Stirlitz. Suddenly a Soviet submarine surfaces. The Gestapo chief moves on board, telling his surprised companion:

And you, Stirlitz, I’ll ask you to stay...

After this, the submarine again plunged into the waters of the Spree.

It didn't appear by chance. There is a version that the Gestapo chief managed to escape from the Berlin hell and ended up at the disposal of Soviet troops. One of the first to voice this legend was Heinrich Müller's longtime opponent in the apparatus games - SD foreign intelligence chief Walter Schellenberg. In 1952, he published his memoirs, where he reported that back in 1943, Heinrich Müller established contact with Soviet intelligence, and in 1945 he moved to the USSR. He further referred to the testimony of German officers who met Heinrich Müller, who was walking along the streets of Moscow in the uniform of a Soviet state security colonel. To be fair, we note that it was canceled back in 1943. Also, Wehrmacht officers who returned from Soviet captivity claimed that the “chief Gestapo officer” was present at the interrogations and... monitored the correctness of the translation.

Experts were skeptical about this statement. Everyone knew about the enmity between these two heads of intelligence services. It is also unclear where and when the foreign intelligence chief met with his informants. After all, until December 1950 he was imprisoned in an English prison, and when he was released, he first settled in Switzerland, and then was forced to move to Italy. He led a modest life and it is unclear how the former Nazis were able to find him to tell him the “good” news. Although high-ranking German officer Müller could really walk around Moscow. Except it was an ordinary Wehrmacht general who ended up in Soviet captivity near Smolensk, and then actively participated in the work of various anti-fascist organizations.

Simon Wiesenthal contributed to the creation of the myth that Heinrich Müller was alive after the end of World War II. He said that Heinrich Müller from the USSR moved to the GDR, where he secretly met with his wife. At the same time, the “Nazi hunter” was not embarrassed by the fact that Heinrich Müller was actually divorced from his wife (we described this in detail above).

Although we would not trust the messages of Simon Wiesenthal, who is known as the “angel of avenging the Holocaust.” According to the American historian and director of the California Institute of Revisionist Historians Mark Weber, this man is a “shameless violator of the truth.”

In the Western press at the height of " cold war“Many publications appeared that explained in detail what the Nazis were doing in Moscow. They sounded like this. Heinrich Müller worked at the Lubyanka as a consultant for West German intelligence and counterintelligence (BND), which was created in 1946 by former Wehrmacht Major General Reinhardt Gehlen from the OKW headquarters.

“Doctor Schneider” (the secret name of the BND chief) selected primarily former Abwehr employees for his staff. In turn, Heinrich Müller, this “walking encyclopedia” of Heinrich Himmler, who had a phenomenal memory and great diligence in studying documents, especially personal files, was able to instantly give the Reichsführer detailed information about almost any intelligence officer. He dealt with his colleagues from the Abwehr, of course, not only out of a pathological “love of art,” but also considering them for some time as suspects. It is no coincidence that after the suppression of the plot on July 20, 1944, which almost ended in the death of Adolf Hitler, the Gestapo chief, on the personal instructions of the Fuhrer, himself conducted an investigation.

The Abwehr, as you know, was disbanded by decision of Adolf Hitler back in February 1944, and Heinrich Müller organized work to check the loyalty of its employees transferred to the authority of the SD. Thus, the SS Gruppenführer knew everything or almost everything about Gehlen’s new associates (who settled in the town of Pullach near Munich and immediately began operations against the USSR). Therefore, the recruitment of this person by Soviet intelligence seems an absolutely logical step.

Another version was “voiced” by the former head of the intelligence department of the American occupation forces in Germany, Earl Ternand. He claimed that Heinrich Müller fled to Argentina under the wing of dictator Juan Peron, who was an open Nazi sympathizer. In 1955, when the President of Argentina lost his post, the guest was forced to move to Cuba. He allegedly came to the “Island of Freedom” with the sanction of Moscow (sounds strange, because from 1952 to 1959 the country was led by General Fulgencio Batista, who expressed the interests of the United States, not the USSR - Fidel Castro seized power only in 1959). And from Cuba through Czechoslovakia, Heinrich Müller moved to the USSR, where he lived until his death.

The version of Heinrich Müller’s connection with Soviet intelligence is actively developing today. For example, Vologda writer Vladimir Arinin believes that the Gestapo chief began collaborating with Lubyanka in 1941 and hid under the name “Barter” in the secret files of this department. In his opinion, the Gestapo chief first thought about establishing contacts with Soviet intelligence in August 1941, after the Red Star aviation raid on Berlin. There has been debate for a long time about who the Kremlin informant was, hiding under the pseudonym “Werther.” Thus, an American historian claims that another high-ranking Nazi, Martin Bormann, was hiding under this pseudonym. There is a third version, which was outlined in his book “Under the pseudonym Dora” by Sandor Rado. He claims that "Werther" is Rudolf Ressler, who lived in Switzerland, and had sources of information among the opposition to Adolf Hitler.

Berlin, spring 1945. Line for bread. Standing are Hitler, Himmler, Muller, Bormann. Suddenly Stirlitz runs out, pushes everyone away and buys a loaf of bread. Muller tells him:
- Stirlitz, shame on you, there are people older than you here.
- Don’t you see: “Heroes Soviet Union served out of turn!”

Müller, Bormann, Himmler and other employees are standing in line at the cafeteria. Having shoved everyone away, Stirlitz comes up to the buffet counter, takes lunch and sits down at the end table. The queue watches him go with a stunned look. Voice-over: “They didn’t know that Heroes of the Soviet Union were served out of turn.”

The Reich Chancellery is undergoing computerization. The question is being discussed whether to put Stirlitz on workplace computer. Schellenberg is categorically against it. Muller is perplexed:
- Why do you want to offend our dear Otto?
- Well, he’s a dog, a Soviet intelligence officer.
- So what.
- Why, he’ll play Wolf3d all day.

Recruiting Stirlitz, Muller asks a question on the questionnaire:
- How old are you?
Stirlitz had a chance to flirt:
- How much would you give me?
Müller considered himself a subtle wit:
- For life.

During the air raid, Stirlitz made his way into Mueller's office. He never missed an opportunity to call Moscow for free.

The eighteenth moment of spring. Stirlitz sneaks up on Muller and throws grenades at him. Voice-over: “He knew that pomegranate juice didn’t wash off.”

- That's it! - Muller thought when a brick fell on his head on the street.
- Here are those two! — Stirlitz thought and threw the second brick.

Where is the key to the safe!? - Stirlitz yelled and punched Muller in the ear. - By the way, do you have any paper clips?
Voice-over: “Stirlitz knew that only the last phrase was remembered.”

Hitler talks with Mussolini in his office. Stirlitz runs in, opens the safe and begins photographing the documents. Mussolini:
- My Fuhrer, who is this?
- Don’t pay attention, this is a Russian intelligence officer, Colonel Isaev!
- Why don’t you arrest him?
- We tried, it’s pointless, we’ll get out of it anyway!

Over a glass of beer, Müller asks:
- Tell Stirlitz, what is your favorite film?
“Volga-Volga,” Stirlitz wanted to answer. But he came to his senses in time and said:
- “Volkswagen-Volkswagen”!

Stirlitz was being watched. There were seven of them. - Muller and the Eisman six.

Once Stirlitz was repairing his Mercedes-Benz, and Muller saw him.
“But now it’s clear that you are a Russian intelligence officer,” said Muller, “a real Aryan is repairing his car at a service center.”

What color are my panties? - asked Muller.
“Red,” Stirlitz answered without hesitation.
- So you got caught! - exclaimed Müller, - besides me, only the Russian pianist knows the color of my panties!
“Don’t be a fool, Miller,” Stirlitz answered calmly, “and fasten your fly.”

Müller runs into Bormann's office and shouts:
- Borman! It turns out that Stirlitz is a Russian spy!
- Hey, better listen to the song I wrote here: “The skis are standing by the stove, The sunset over the taiga is going out...”

Müller met Schellenberg:
- Do you know that Stirlitz received the Order of Lenin?
- Yes.
- Arrest him!
- For what?! He put it down...

Muller looked out the window. Stirlitz walked down the street, leading a tiny, green with orange stripes, six-legged dog on a leash. “It’s strange,” thought Muller, “I don’t know this joke yet...”

Müller summoned Holtoff.
“Holtoff,” Muller said. - I need evidence against Stirlitz.
- But, damn it, how to get them?
- Hehe, buddy, you sneak up behind him and push him in the ear. If he is Russian, he will definitely not stand it and swear...
Holtoff chose the moment when Stirlitz, Bormann, Kaltenbrunner had gathered in the control corridor, crept up from behind and unexpectedly hit Stirlitz on the head. Out of surprise, unable to figure out where the blow came from, Stirlitz shouted “Oh, you bitch!” struck Borman. "Fuck!" - Bormann shouted and kicked Kaltenbrunner in the groin. “The Ryazans don’t give up!” - Kaltenbrunner screamed and performed a lezginka on Holtoff’s back...
- What are you talking about, brothers! Are you crazy?...” asked Muller, who came out of the office.

Muller summons Stirlitz.
- Stirlitz, I finally figured you out. Your fingerprints were found on the buttocks of a Russian radio operator. Well? How do you explain this?
- Hmm.., Muller, I’m not asking you how you discovered these prints.

Muller calls Stirlitz and says:
- Tomorrow is a communist cleanup day, attendance is required.
Stirlitz answers:
- Eat! - And, realizing that he failed, he sits down at the table and, not noticing Muller’s surprised look, writes:
“I, Standartenführer von Stirlitz, am in fact a Soviet intelligence officer.”
Müller, having read this report, calls Schellenberg and says.
- Walter, come in and see what your people come up with to avoid going to the cleanup.

Muller calls Stirlitz and asks suspiciously:
- Stirlitz, don’t you think we’ve already met somewhere?
- Maybe in the forties in Poland, Gruppenführer?
- No, Stirlitz...
- Or maybe in 1936 in Spain, Gruppenführer?
- No, Stirlitz...
- Or maybe...
- Petka???
- Vasily Ivanovich!!!

Muller calls Stirlitz to his place:
- Stirlitz, don’t be too zealous during interrogations, otherwise the moans of the Russian “pianist” will paralyze the work of the entire Gestapo!

Muller calls Stirlitz. He sits with his back to him:
- Stirlitz, guess under which eye I have a bruise?
- Under the left?
- So you got caught, only the Russian “pianist” knows about it.

Muller calls Stirlitz.
- Stirlitz, where were you in 1938?
- With you, boss, in Spain.
- And in 1928?
- With you on the CER...
- And in 1918?
- Vasily Ivanovich?
- Exactly, Petka!

Muller tells Stirlitz:
- Stirlitz, I met a girl, but, as luck would have it, my underwear was stolen. Could you lend me your panties?
- Please. Just sew up the hole in the knee.

Mueller decided to check the employees of his apparatus. The first one enters:
“Hans, name any number from 1 to 99,” asks Müller.
- 36.
- Or maybe not 36? Or maybe 63?
- No, exactly 36!
A note appears in the notebook: “Character - self-possessed, Nordic, persistent. A true Aryan."
The second one comes in.
“Name any number from 1 to 99,” Muller asks him.
- 42.
- Or maybe 24?
- Maybe 24.
“Okay, go,” says Muller. A note appears in the notebook: “Character is uncontrolled, easily suggestible. Not a true Aryan.
The next one comes in.
“Name any number from 1 to 99,” asks Muller.
- 33!
- Or maybe three... ah, it’s you, Stirlitz!

Muller enters Bormann's office and sees that Stirlitz is playing the fool:
- Stop it, Stirlitz, he’s already dirty!

Müller enters Schellenberg's office:
- Do you know that your Stirlitz was once again awarded the Order of the “Red Banner of Battle”?
- I know of course.
- So why don't you arrest?
- For what? He showed himself honestly.

Müller and Stirlitz left the tavern late in the evening.
- Maybe we can take the girls? - suggested Stirlitz.
- No, let them hang until tomorrow! - said Mueller.

Muller at the meeting:
- Everybody's Free. And I will ask you Stirlitz to stay.
- Well, ask.
- Well, Stirlitz,…..well, stay,…. Oh please…

Muller twitched for the last time and froze in a pool of blood... “Let them think that he suffocated,” Stirlitz decided and threw the bloody ax far into the bushes.

Muller invited Stirlitz to work for him.
“But I’m already working for Schellenberg,” said Stirlitz. - What to do with the work book?
- What if I get a second one? - suggested Muller.
“I know your tricks,” Stirlitz disagreed. “Then you’ll send a Gestapo man to check how many work books I have.”
“It’s scary to talk to you, Stirlitz,” Muller admitted. - You are reading my mind.

Muller brought apples to Stirlitz. He tried one and said:
- What delicious apples. Where did you get them?
“They were attacking in the garden,” Muller answered.
Stirlitz looked out the window. Indeed, there were apples lying on the carrion.

Müller talks to Schellenberg. Stirlitz stands nearby.
“He’s sticking around here again,” Muller remarked irritably.
- For a long time? - Stirlitz supported the conversation.

Muller was racing at breakneck speed in the car. And Stirlitz walked nearby, pretending that he was taking a walk.

Muller asks Stirlitz at the shooting range:
- Where did you learn to shoot so accurately? - In the pioneer camp. - Stirlitz answers and realizes: he didn’t blurt out anything unnecessary.

Muller asks Stirlitz:
- Buddy, do you want to go into business?
“I want a Gruppenführer, I really want it, but what kind?”
- Well, let’s say you can open a nightclub in our basement!
- Visitors will not go to the Gestapo basement!
- Don’t worry Stirlitz, this is not your concern!

Müller took a cigarette from Schellenberg, lit a cigarette and looked out the window. Stirlitz walked down the street, leading a tiny, green with orange stripes, six-legged dog on a leash. “It’s strange,” thought Muller, “it seemed to me that Schellenberg only smokes Camel...”

Muller heard footsteps outside the window and asked: “Who’s coming?”
“Rain,” Stirlitz answered and drummed his fingers on the glass.

Muller was walking down the street. Suddenly a brick fell on his head. “Those are the times,” thought Muller.
“Here are those two,” thought Stirlitz, throwing the second brick.

Muller: - Stirlitz! Your neighbors are complaining that in the morning the anthem of the Soviet Union is blaring throughout the entire neighborhood!
- What else can get you out of bed? Soviet man at six in the morning?

Muller: - Stirlitz, you are an English spy!
- What about the facts? - Stirlitz muttered, perplexed.
- You yourself are a FUCK, British bastard! - Muller was offended.

Muller: - Stirlitz, you have become insolent in the end! Yesterday you were seen in front of the Reichstag, walking with a red flag and shouting “Long live May 1st!”
- Well, you are good too, my friend Muller. And who sang at the Fuhrer’s anniversary last week: “Hail, Ukraine is not dead.”

Muller: - Stirlitz, why don’t you have a snack? What are you, Russian?
“We Germans are a stingy people,” Stirlitz got out.

Muller: - Stirlitz, your fingerprints were found on Eva Braun’s ass. How do you explain this?
- I'll explain. How can you explain how you found them there?
- I always regretted, Stirlitz, that you didn’t work for me.

Muller to Stirlitz: - You know, Stirlitz, I have two news for you: - One bad and one very bad. Which one should I start with?
- Well, perhaps with a bad one...
- The Russian radio operator told me everything!
- And the very bad news?
- She didn’t tell us, but your wife!

Muller to Stirlitz: - Yesterday we caught a Russian radio operator who exposed herself during childbirth.
- Did she shout “mommy” in Russian? - No, she shouted “mutter”, but added “fucking”!

Müller to Stirlitz: - We didn’t take Moscow in 1941 because there were frosts of -40 degrees. And now the heat is +40 degrees and they don’t care.
- You see, Muller: everything that is 40 degrees is good for a Russian.

Muller to Stirlitz: - Standartenführer, we received a telegram from your command, which expresses gratitude for the successful operation. And on this occasion you are invited to Moscow for the premiere at the Bolshoi Theater.
- I will not go!
- Why so?
“Last time they invited me to the circus, but they went to the collective farm to collect potatoes for a month!”

On February 23, Stirlitz sat by the fireplace and remembered his homeland, baking Snickers in the ashes, and at this time Muller was torturing radio operator Kat with sweet sticks.

One day Muller came up with a wonderful way to find out what nationality Stirlitz was. He decided to invite him to visit and watch him leave: If he doesn’t say goodbye, it means he’s English. If you drink all the alcohol, break the dishes and seduce the hostess - Russian. If you find and eat all the lard, you are Ukrainian. But when Stirlitz did not leave at all, but began to live with Müller, gradually dragging his things to him, the Gruppenführer finally realized that Stirlitz was a Jew.

One day, Muller decided to arrange a car accident for Stirlitz. Stirlitz's car was faulty, and he towed it to a service center. The craftsmen demanded 350 marks for the repair.
“Yes, Stirlitz won’t spy that much in his entire life,” Muller decided and abandoned his idea. Müller could not have known that Stirlitz’s people worked in the car service center.

Heartbreaking cries were heard throughout wartime Berlin:
- Mutter! Mutter! Mutter! “Ramstein has arrived,” thought Muller.
And only Stirlitz knew that it was radio operator Kat who was preparing for the upcoming birth.

One day Hitler comes to a meeting, and across the room there is a huge iron box. Hitler asks Müller:
- What is this?
“Ah... it was Stirlitz who installed the latest Soviet miniature computer eavesdropping device,” Muller explained.
- Why don’t you get him out of here if you’ve already found him? - Hitler shouted.
- We would, my Fuhrer, with pleasure! Only no one can lift it.

Walking through the park, Stirlitz noticed eyes in a hollow tree.
- Woodpecker! - said Stirlitz.
- You yourself are a woodpecker! - Muller said in a whisper.

Waking up on Saturday morning, Stirlitz thought: “How good it was yesterday to sit with Muller and Eisman in the department. It seems like we drank a lot, but my head doesn’t hurt at all, and we still have Saturday and Sunday ahead!” Kopelyan’s voice-over: “He had no idea that it was already Tuesday...”

Waking up, Stirlitz remembered that yesterday at Muller’s reception he had said too much. Deciding to find out everything at once, he entered the office and asked:
- Mueller, did you guess that I am a Russian agent?
“No,” admitted Muller.
“Well, thank God,” Stirlitz said and went home with a calm soul.

Sergei Penkin auditioned for the role of Muller in the film “17 Moments of Spring”... His most successful phrase was: “And you, Stirlitz, I’ll ask you to stay...”

Stirlitz's car broke down. He got out and started digging into the engine.
“Stirlitz, you are a Russian intelligence officer,” said Muller, who was passing by. - A German would give his car to a car service center.

Heil Hitler! - said Stirlitz, entering Muller’s office.
“Stirlitz,” Muller answered irritably, “if you don’t give up these Kinchev ways, I will write to “Soviet Culture.”

Stirlitz, why don’t you have a snack? - Müller asks suspiciously. - What are you, Russian?
“We Germans are a thrifty people,” Stirlitz got out.

- Stirlitz, is it true that you are gay? - asked Muller.
- And now? - Stirlitz answered and blushed.

Stirlitz is tied up by the hands in the Gestapo basement. Mueller tortures him:
- Well, Stirlitz, do you continue to claim that the hammer and sickle on your ass is a birthmark?

Stirlitz took hold of the door handle and tried to open it - it didn’t work, he pushed the door with his shoulder - in vain, kicked it - without result... “They locked it,” Stirlitz guessed with the subtle instinct of a scout. And only Muller knew that the door opened in the other direction.

Stirlitz worked in his office from morning to night. One day Mueller caught him doing this:
- I see you have enough dope for everyone!
Since then, the entire department began to work hard.

Stirlitz, you are a Jew! I will order you to be shot! - Muller shouted.
- Not true! I am Russian! - Stirlitz answered.

Stirlitz, do you know Tikhonov? - Muller asked unexpectedly.
“Of course not,” Stirlitz said, not at a loss.

Stirlitz kicked down the door and tiptoed up to Muller, who was reading the newspaper.
- Documents on the table! - Stirlitz shouted and hit Muller in the ear with all his might. - By the way, Muller, do you have any paper clips?
Kopelyan’s voice-over: “Stirlitz knew that only the last phrase was remembered…”

Stirlitz shot at Mueller. Muller continued to stand. “Armored,” thought Stirlitz.

Stirlitz shot Muller in the head. The bullet bounced off. “Armored,” thought Stirlitz.

Stirlitz grabbed the parabellum and shot at Muller. The bullet bounced off. “Armored...” thought Stirlitz.

Stirlitz, they say that you are “blue,” said Muller.
- I? - Stirlitz blushed. - And now?

Stirlitz, close the window, it’s blowing,” Muller said irritably.
“Du it yuself, motherfucker,” Stirlitz was offended.

Stirlitz walked into a pub and wanted to take off his hat. But unfortunately Frau Müller has already taken off his hat.

Stirlitz came to Muller to borrow money. - Will you return it? - Muller asked hopefully.
- I'll be a bastard! - Stirlitz answered.
“Surely there will be…” - Muller thought sadly.

Stirlitz and Müller were walking around Berlin and saw women.
- Shall we take it off? - suggested Stirlitz.
- For what? - answered Muller. - Let them hang.

Stirlitz and Muller usually took turns pooping when they went to the toilet. Sometimes the line had time to run away.

Stirlitz and Muller took turns shooting. The line thinned, but did not disperse.

Stirlitz, what color are your panties? - asked Muller.
- Like all officers Soviet army“Red,” Stirlitz answered, and thought to himself whether he had blurted out something unnecessary.

Stirlitz somehow decided to play a prank on Muller on April 1st.
- Muller, do you know that I am a Russian intelligence officer?
- Don't know! - in turn, Muller played Stirlitz.

Stirlitz loved to test Mueller's patience. That’s why I often threw laxatives into his coffee.

Stirlitz aimed at the sleeping Muller's forehead.
When Muller woke up, he was terribly unhappy. He never understood this stupid habit of Stirlitz - marking nearby objects.

Stirlitz! Maybe we won't get into a fever? - Muller asked, wincing.
- You do what you want, and I will. Even though her face is scary, the girl is fire! - Stirlitz answered, hugging junior sergeant Ekaterina Goryachko.

Stirlitz, we need your help to catch the Russian pianist! - demands Mueller.
- You must give me a tip, Gruppenführer!
- So you got caught, Stirlitz! A German would say: “for schnapps”!

- Stirlitz, your fingerprints were found on Eva Braun’s buttocks, how do you explain this?
- Muller, I know what to say, but how do you explain how you found them there?
- It’s a pity Stirlitz that you don’t work for me!

Stirlitz, guess the riddle,” Gestapo Chief Müller once approached the Russian intelligence officer. -Who is this, smaller than an elephant, but with a trunk?
- Baby elephant.
- No, Stirlitz, it's a mosquito. Who is this, bigger than an elephant, but with a trunk?
- Elephant basketball player.
- No, it's a mammoth.
“Your riddles are kind of stupid and uninteresting,” said Stirlitz. - Better guess my riddle. Who is this, the chief of the Gestapo, and does it start with “M”?
“Come on, Stirlitz,” Muller was offended. - To you with a kind soul, but you always strive to insult...

Stirlitz opened the safe and pulled out Mueller's note. Muller shouted loudly and resisted.

Stirlitz went to the safe, opened it and with difficulty pulled out Muller's note. Müller swore loudly and waved his arms.

***
Stirlitz went to the Elefant cafe to meet his wife. She was taken across the front line and three borders for the fourth time, and each time it turned out that this was not his wife.

***
A shot rang out. By the whistle of the wind in his head, Stirlitz realized that the wound was through and through.

***
- Stirlitz, do you have a plan? - asked Schellenberg.
“Of course, there will even be heroin,” Stirlitz answered with a smile.

***
Muller saw Stirlitz walking down the street through the window.
“I wonder where he went,” thought Muller.
“It’s none of your damn business,” thought Stirlitz.

***
Stirlitz looked at one point for a long time... Then to another...
- Colon! – Stirlitz finally guessed.

***
Stirlitz put the fork into the socket, but they tactfully hinted to him that they eat from the socket with a spoon.

***
It was cold and Stirlitz was heating the stove. By morning she drowned...

***
Stirlitz was walking down the street. Screams and shots were heard from behind.
“This is the end,” Stirlitz realized when he put his hand in his pocket for the pistol.
"That was really the end of him. The gun was in another pocket."

***
Stirlitz and Muller liked to take turns taking the car and driving it.
Sometimes the line had time to run away.

***
There was a blast through the window. Stirlitz closed the window - the barrel was gone.

***
The encryption from the Center did not reach Stirlitz. He read it again - and again he didn’t get it.

***
Stirlitz looked up. These were the eyes of Professor Pleischner.

***
Stirlitz walked through the forest to meet Pastor Schlag. Suddenly a hiss was heard from behind the bushes. Stirlitz was not taken aback: he fired the entire clip from the pistol there and moved on. And only after a few steps it dawned on him that Pastor Schlag did not know how to whistle.

***
Stirlitz gave the cat gasoline to drink. The cat ran ten meters and fell. “The gasoline has run out,” thought Stirlitz.

***
Müller travels with Stirlitz through Berlin
- Stirlitz, where did you learn to drive a car so well?
“In DOSAAF,” Stirlitz answered and thought: “Did I say too much?”

***
Stirlitz, after another successfully completed task, was returning to Berlin in his Mercedes.
Kopelyan’s voice-over: “He didn’t know that the war would soon end, and he, as a Hero of the Soviet Union, would be given a Zaporozhets out of turn.”

***
Stirlitz entered Hitler's office. Hitler, seeing him, fainted. “I wonder what he’s doing?” - thought Stirlitz, adjusting his Budenovka.

***
Stirlitz walked through the park. In the hollow I saw someone's eyes.
“Woodpecker,” thought Stirlitz.
“You’re a woodpecker yourself,” thought Muller.

***
On November 7, Stirlitz put on his Budenovka and marched past the Reichstag.
Yefim Kopelyan's voice-over:
- That day he was closer than ever to failure...

***
End of the war. In the bunker there is drunkenness, suicides, poisonings. Hitler wanders around the bunker with a crazy look, no one greets him... He looked into Stirlitz’s office. He jumps up:
- Heil Hitler!
- Yes, at least you, Maksimych, didn’t tease...

***
Stirlitz loved edged weapons. This was an indispensable remedy for applying to the head after drinking on November 7th.

***
Stirlitz always slept like the dead. They even circled it with chalk a couple of times...

***
Stirlitz woke up in a cell, on a bunk, in only his underwear:
- Where I am? Ours? The Germans?
At this time, the rattle of the door bolt is heard outside:
- The guard will come in now! What language should I speak to him? German? In Russian?
Finally the door opens, a sobering-up sergeant appears on the threshold and, smiling broadly, says:
- Well, you got drunk yesterday, Comrade Tikhonov!

***
Stirlitz received an encrypted message from the Center: “Stirlitz, congratulations! You have become a grandfather!”
- Finally! – Stirlitz thought joyfully. - Demobilization is coming soon!!!

***
A man in a Budenovka jacket, tarpaulin boots, with a parachute and a radio transmitter in a backpack entered Muller’s office and reported:
- The camels went north. The plan was delivered as intended.
“You are in the wrong place,” Muller replied. – Stirlitz’s office is on the floor above.

***
Muller enters Stirlitz's office and finds him in a bad mood.
- What happened, Stirlitz?
- I received a letter from my homeland, They write that my wife gave birth.
- What’s the matter, should we be happy?
- Why be happy, I haven’t been home for five years.

***
Stirlitz and Muller leave the restaurant late at night.
- Listen, Muller, let's take off the girls?
- You have a soft heart, Stirlitz. Let them hang until morning.

***
Stirlitz left Schelenberg and got into the car. Kat was already waiting for him there.
“Everything,” said Stirlitz, “can be touched.”
“Wow,” Kat touched...

***
Stirlitz went to the door and quietly opened it. The light came on. He closed the door and the light went out. He opened the door again and the light came on again. He closed the door and the light went out. Stirlitz opened the door for the third time - the light came on. He closed the door and the light went out.
- "Fridge!" – Stirlitz guessed.

***
Stirlitz walked through the city. Suddenly a brick fell on him.
- That's it! – thought Stirlitz.
- Here's two for you! – Muller shouted joyfully, throwing a second brick from the roof.

***
Stirlitz came to a meeting with a contact at a bar and ordered 100 grams of vodka.
“We ran out of vodka two days ago,” the bartender apologized.
- Well, then 100 grams of cognac...
- We ran out of cognac yesterday.
- Well, is there any beer?
- Alas, it ended this morning.-
“So the messenger is already here,” Stirlitz guessed.

***
"How many faces I have!" - Stirlitz thought, straightening his tie in front of the mirror.

***
Waking up on Saturday morning, Stirlitz thought:
- It was so good yesterday to sit with Muller and Eisman in the department. It seems like we drank a lot, but my head doesn’t hurt at all, and we still have Saturday and Sunday ahead!
Yefim Kopelyan's voice-over:
- He didn’t even suspect that Tuesday had already come...

***
Stirlitz walked through the spring forest. Buds hung on the trees.
“Again, Gestapo tricks,” he thought.

***
On Flower Street, Stirlitz saw a dog near a tree raise its leg. It was Professor Pleischner's leg.

***
Stirlitz's car broke down. He got out and started digging into the engine.
“Stirlitz, you are a Russian intelligence officer,” said Muller, who was passing by. - A German would give his car to a car service center.

***
- Stirlitz, why don’t you have a snack? - Müller asks suspiciously. - What are you, Russian?
“We Germans are a thrifty people,” Stirlitz got out.

***
Stirlitz was sitting at home, in a villa in Berlin - Köpenick. It was blowing from the window. Stirlitz pressed Alt + F4 - the window disappeared.

***
Queue at the cash desk to receive your salary. Stirlitz approaches the window and stands in front of Muller.
- Stirlitz, you are breaking the chain of command!
- Heroes of the Soviet Union have the right to be served out of turn!

***
The SS blocked all the exits, but Stirlitz escaped through the entrance.

***
Müller approached Schellenberg:
- Damn you, you stinking goat!
- "Democracy!" - Stirlitz sighed enviously.
***
Stirlitz had dinner in a cafe. Suddenly one officer shouted:
- Russians are bastards!
Everyone looked at him and thought:
- Well, how could he say such a thing under Stirlitz?
***
At a banquet at Müller's, Stirlitz got drunk until he lost consciousness and fell face-first into a plate of salad. Yefim Kopelyan's voice-over: “Stirlitz will sleep for fifteen minutes. His work in Soviet intelligence taught him to such precision.”
***
Muller told Stirlitz new joke about Stalin.
- Isn’t it dangerous? - Stirlitz asked, and thought to himself: “Did I blurt out something unnecessary?”
***
Schellenberg:
- Stirlitz, how do you feel about women?
“I’m not one of them...” he became embarrassed.
***
- Could you give birth? - Muller asks Stirlitz.
- What exactly? - Stirlitz is interested.
- It doesn't matter. I just want to know what language you will shout in.
***
Stirlitz ran into a branch in the forest. Stirlitz shot, the bitches ran away.
***
Muller:
- Stirlitz, your fingerprints were found on Eva Braun’s ass. How do you explain this?
Stirlitz:
- I'll explain. But how do you explain how you found them?
Muller:
- I always regretted that you, Stirlitz, did not work for me.
***
The Gestapo came to Stirlitz and said that if he did not pay for electricity, his radio transmitter would be turned off.
***
Stirlitz was sitting in his office. There was a knock on the door.
“Borman,” thought Stirlitz.
“That’s right,” thought Borman.
***
Borman was driving a car at a speed of 70 km/h.
Stirlitz ran behind and pretended to be taking a walk.
***
Muller calls Stirlitz and says:
- Tomorrow morning there will be a cleanup day. Attendance is required.
“Yes,” Stirlitz answers, and, realizing that he made a mistake, he sits down to write his confession:
"I, SS Standartenführer Stirlitz, am in fact a Soviet intelligence officer..."
Muller, having read the paper, calls Schellenberg:
- Walter, come in and see what your people come up with so as not to go to the cleanup.
***
Stirlitz bought a bucket of crayfish at the market. I put it on fire.
Soon the crayfish turned red. "Our!" - Stirlitz was delighted.
***
“When I finish my service and buy myself a garden plot in my native Ryazan region,” -
thought Stirlitz, approaching his villa near Berlin.
***
Stirlitz walked to the Reichstag in Budenovka. Muller will meet him.
- You should at least observe secrecy, Stirlitz!
“Really,” thought Stirlitz and put on dark glasses.
***