If you really miss a person. What to do when I'm bored

They say habit is second nature. In principle, the way it is, and folk wisdom does not lie, because something that is constantly present in our lives, day after day, year after year, leads to addiction. Psychologists consider any addictive addiction, that is, it is a kind of drug. A cup of coffee in the morning, a favorite bathrobe in the evening, even a black kitten who lives next door and has to cross the road every morning is a habit. If you look into the dictionary, then a habit is a supposed, expected event, the frequency of which was formed under the influence of repetition. But why, when a favorite bathrobe is torn, and the store does not have the coffee of the brand we need, do we start to miss all this?

The process of addiction formation is quite complex and is rooted in the subconscious, and so deeply that not a single scientist will undertake to accurately determine it. Back in the days when our ape-like and hairy ancestors lived in a herd and ran around in what their mother gave birth to, what was well studied caused a sense of calm. That is, it meant that there were no dangers here. Everything new at first caused fear, then curiosity and gradually addiction, if it remained in a person's life for a certain period. Look at the animals, they get nervous when they smell a new smell, see a new place or a new detail in the apartment. They also have habit.

When one person misses another, this is a psychological dependence and it is difficult to distinguish here, in connection with which a feeling of sadness or emptiness is caused. Firstly, our memory is helpful, but deceptive, it tends to idealize the past, so much so that we ourselves do not notice it. Therefore, a person who, for one reason or another, left our life, is remembered as better than he really was. Secondly, a person will always want to relive positive emotions, it’s like doping from endorphins, and if another person was their source, it means that he is now missing, like a missing puzzle piece, to reproduce the situation when it was good. Of course, this all happens subconsciously, in reality, sadness, emptiness and a desire to somehow contact a person again, for example, call, come to visit or write a message, simply arise. Sometimes, it happens even contrary to common sense. Especially when it comes to love for something or someone. Everyone is familiar with the situation when a loved one can no longer be forgiven, but against all the arguments of the mind, he is drawn to him, like a magnet.

Do you know?

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It's always hard to be sad for someone. Whether a loved one left for a short period of time, broke off relations with you, died, or simply moved to another city, the resulting pain and longing are quite normal. To stop missing a person, you need to learn strategies for overcoming the difficulties that have arisen in front of you. With their help, you can continue to move forward, find peace, humble yourself and realize that even if you lose a person, you can continue to remember him.

Steps

Actions in the short term

Keep track of the days. Cross off the past days on the calendar and each time congratulate yourself on the next day you have lived. Always focus exclusively on the current day. The absence of a loved one will change the course of your life somewhat. When you are forced to manage everything alone, it is very important to focus on successfully getting through each new day!

Focus on other relationships. Time is a very valuable commodity. Now you have enough time to pay attention to other close people who are also important to you, but with whom you do not spend quality time as often as you would like. For example, you can spend more time with your partner, spouse, friends, and extended family.

Send parcels. Prepare and send parcels to the person who has left. Every purchase you make for that person will give you an opportunity to think about them, do something for them, and then lovingly mail them. If your spouse left and you have children with him, set aside one free evening during the week to draw pictures and make crafts with your children that can be included in the package for your other half.

Take time to do small things. Doing chores around the house is a healthy distraction that also helps improve your environment. Concentrate on doing those things that will make time fly by quickly. Some days may be harder than others, but you will always find something to do at home.

For example, on vacation in the absence of a roommate, you can ennoble your living space. Do something that the returning person will be very pleased to see. Even simple cleaning and systematization of things will bear fruit. You will occupy yourself with a business that will have a positive effect on the condition of the room.
Get indoor flowers to fill the living space with vitality.
Wash windows. No one likes to look at the view from the window through the dirty glass. In a clear window, the view will seem noticeably better.
Paint the rusted fence.
Lubricate creaking doors, fix leaking faucets, or send in broken items for repairs.
Take care of the appearance of the facade of your house. If you plant flowers along the path to the house or put a beautiful plant in a pot on the porch, your mood will noticeably improve.

Start a long-term project. There are always things that require a lot of time and effort to complete. If you have enough time, consider initiating a project that you will be engaged in until the very return of a loved one. This way, you will both look forward to seeing the final results of your work, and you will have to constantly strive to fulfill your promise.
- If your wife is sent on a long business trip, tell her that you are planning to build a wooden gazebo in the backyard.
- If you have children, start doing a project with them that will help you all get through the period of absence of a loved one together.
- Start the fruit garden you've always wanted to have.
- Start saving money for a good cause or for an important purchase for your spouse. Progress reports will help her know that you miss her, love her, and are looking forward to being home.
Consider ways to communicate when apart. Communicate via Skype, email, letters or postcards. These means of communication are preferable to others, since a person always remains in anticipation of the next contact. When you write a letter to your loved one, you feel closer to him, and getting a response gives you a feeling of admiration. Positive emotions distributed over time help to endure separation more easily.

Don't be lazy and stay active. Do not wander aimlessly around the house and do not lie in bed. Spend more time outdoors with friends. Try to stick to a comfortable schedule, including spending time doing something exciting, so you can look forward to the future.

Focus on the positive. Breaking up a relationship can make you remember all the bad things about them. On the contrary, try to identify positive aspects in past relationships and understand what they taught you in order to use the lessons learned in the future. Know how to appreciate the experience gained.

Coping with the death of a loved one

Allow yourself to grieve. If you are faced with the death of a loved one, then you need to grieve for some time to come to terms with this fact. You won't be able to stop missing the person if you don't give yourself time to calm down, release your emotions, and mourn the loss.

Appreciate the memory of the person. This is how you will begin to move forward in life in a healthy way, preserving the memory of the person and continuing his legacy. Talk about the deceased with friends and family members, try to follow the traditions that this person followed, whether it was volunteering, reading books to your children, or listening to that person's favorite music.

If the activities that the deceased person loved increase your sadness and longing, make changes to your usual routine. However, once you're ready to quietly move on with your life, return to the things that your departed lover loved. This way you can refresh the good memories of the person and not start missing them too much.
Remember that you are not trying to forget the person and never think about them again. You learn to remember a person in a positive way, to control the feelings you experience and to put everything in its place.

Talk to other people who also miss this person. It is wrong to no longer mention a person at all and to get rid of everything that reminds of him completely. However, these measures can be introduced temporarily if you are in great pain. Over time, you will be able to talk more calmly about the deceased. Sometimes sadness can be alleviated and healing of spiritual wounds can be accelerated by remembering funny phrases and actions of a deceased person.
- Tender memories of a person can help you come to terms with the fact that he died. Even though a person cannot be brought back to life, discussing memories will help in the process of healing the wound.
Remember that your relationship has not ended, but has changed its form. Relationships include two components: physical and emotional. Despite the fact that the physical component of the relationship has ended, the emotional component continues to exist. You can never completely stop remembering a dead person.
- Of course, you don't betray a person by trying not to miss them. If he loved you, she will be glad to see that you are trying to continue living on.
- It is impossible not to miss a person at all, especially on anniversaries, holidays and other important events that you spent together. Instead of trying to ignore the feeling of loss, tell yourself or others, “I miss ____ today. He would love to be at our event. Let's remember ____. We love him." By doing this, you will confirm the influence of the deceased person on current events and pay tribute to him, which will further help heal the pain of loss.
- It's okay to get bored from time to time, but it's also okay to want to enjoy the present life instead of dwelling on the past.
Spend more time with friends and family. Friends and family will be ready to give you support and help cheer you up during difficult times. They, too, may experience grief, so you can lean on each other and start spending more time together to fill your free hours and feel loved and cared for. During this period, you just need to feel love and affection, so spending time in the company of people close to you will help alleviate sadness for the deceased.
- However, new friends and other relatives will never replace the place of a deceased person in your soul.
- If you notice that one of your friends or relatives is recovering from grief faster than you, do not be discouraged. Everyone emerges from grief on their own schedule. And you can't know exactly how the other person actually feels.
Consider contacting a psychotherapist. If you need outside help in coping with grief, see a therapist. If you're unsure if a therapy is right for you, try it first and then make your final decision. Discussing your situation with a trained professional will allow you to look at it differently. Find the courage to ask for help in order to survive the challenges of fate.
- Be proud that you dared to seek help that would be beneficial to your condition. You should not be ashamed and consider yourself a weak person because you have resorted to therapy.
Record your thoughts in a diary. Instead of trying to weigh all the feelings that arise in your mind during the day, try pouring them into the pages of a diary. Keep a diary every morning or every evening to become more aware of your condition and relieve unnecessary stress. You can also record thoughts in a diary as they arise. Choose the option that suits you best.

Find yourself a soothing activity. With the loss of a loved one, sometimes people get so hung up on the loss and personality of the deceased that they completely forget about themselves. In order to start missing a person less, you need to do things every day that will help you feel better. That is, you should sleep at least 7-8 hours at night, eat three meals a day, even if you do not feel like eating, and devote at least 30 minutes of physical activity daily.

Take up sports, such as running or playing basketball.

Try picking up a new hobby: photography, painting, or cooking.

Rediscover your love of literature. Read everything that you wanted to, but did not have a chance to read before.

Find new types of exercise that suit you. Cycling, hiking and yoga will fill your time and make you feel great.

Open your heart to other people. Make an effort to become friendlier to other people. Invite new friends to meet again. At first, you may be shy, but gradually you will get to know others better and better. Smile, be friendly and open to the people you meet along the way.

Start the conversation with a few simple questions. Tell something funny about yourself or share funny observations. If you try a little bit, then you will have more friends, and you will miss the person who left less.
However, you can never replace someone who left. He was and will be important to you. Just try to focus on meeting new interesting people to make your life more dynamic.
Give other people a chance. With people you used to be skeptical of, you may have more in common than you think. If you spend some time with them, you may find that you enjoy their company.

Laughter is the best medicine. Although it is normal to grieve after a loss, you should not lose heart, for which it will be a good idea to find yourself a good company.
Try to have some fun to take your mind off things.
Don't be afraid to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying, it is even useful, as it allows accumulated emotions to come out.
Look at photos and letters or notes sent to you by a loved one. However, set yourself a time limit for this action so as not to dwell on thoughts about this person.
Don't think about old fights and bad times. Stay positive.
If you need to stop thinking about someone, tell yourself, “Stop. I'm not going to think about him anymore now. I have so many things to do, so I better think about them.” Try to take your mind off this person.
Remember the funny moments you had together and hope to experience something similar again.
The past cannot be returned, so focus on securing a colorful, fulfilling future for yourself.

Warnings

Prolonged grief can lead to various physical and psychological problems. Learn to overcome grief by using information on the topic from trusted sources. Do not deny yourself the need to mourn the lost relationship, but be able to leave the pain of loss in the past.

It's a question of habit, a reflex, if you like. You have some kind of permanent occupation, and you give it all your time and energy. You can work all day, you can cook dinner, do laundry and ironing, or you can sit with a small child. All this is a certain activity: if it is repeated from day to day, you can get used to it very soon. But if you sharply engage in what you are already accustomed to devoting so much time to, it becomes completely incomprehensible where to use this most free time now. A person needs to do something, and if earlier he had a vacuum cleaner, a ladle or a computer at work, now there is nothing of this, and he feels an urgent need for all familiar objects to return to their places. It so often happens that women constantly complain about mountains of dishes, and when a dishwasher appears, they still continue to wash dishes with their hands - they just need to keep themselves busy somehow, they miss their usual work.

So, we can say that any boredom or even longing for the company of a person is a kind of habit. You are used to having something, and when you don't have it, you begin to feel the need for it. It doesn't matter what we are talking about - it is important that you need it and without what you want, you will experience some discomfort. It might sound a little selfish, but that's the way it is.

But what to do in order not to be bored? First, think about whether you really want this feeling. Missing your loved one is sometimes even pleasant, besides, if you just yearn for a person who is not around at the moment, there may be a good side to this - you, one way or another, think about him. And such thoughts and memories always cause positive emotions. If you are just bored and need something to entertain yourself, this is a completely different matter and you really need to take certain measures.

The easiest thing to do with boredom is to do something to distract yourself. Believe me, nothing forgets your thoughts like a good book, a long walk or an interesting movie in the cinema. If none of this works for you, give it a try. Remember, do you have time for boredom at work, when you need to do a lot of things at the same time and manage to be personable and have a smile on your face? If there is no work, do anything: do laundry, start cooking some incredibly complex culinary dish, start redecorating the apartment…

It doesn't matter why you are bored, something else is important - how to make sure you don't get bored. Maybe sometimes this feeling is necessary to experience, but you still shouldn’t get carried away with it. Learn to find the most diverse for yourself, and let sadness and boredom fade into the background.

Parting with a loved one is emotional pain, depression, tears, an attempt to forget. Time heals, but for some reason, when the first acute painful feelings pass, the memory remains for a long time.

Any activity evokes memories, as it was done when we were together. It often happens that a new friend has already appeared, who has taken a place in the shower, and sometimes in bed, but one cannot cope with the problem of how to stop missing a loved one, especially if they have already lived together for some time. What to do in such a situation?

How to stop being bored

It is necessary that the fact of parting with this person be accepted at the level of the subcortex.

It is impossible to give unambiguous advice, but there are the following ways.

It is impossible to give unambiguous advice - absolutely opposite measures help some.

You can remember a common friend who sympathizes with a friend more than you, a woman left behind. You need to find her, and cry constantly, remembering all the happy moments, until the memories get bored or you don’t want to do something useful.

If a girlfriend is interested, does not pull at all, continues to meet, you can suspect that you have to be bored because of her intrigues. Then the banal showdown will help to forget. You can drag other common acquaintances into squabbles, then they will surely pull up the former - it will be fun.

Lock yourself up at home and not let anyone in, constantly think about your loved one, sob, repeating his name. If you have to show yourself in public, start all things with the phrase: “ We with ... did it like this, but ... would have done it like that! and sigh bitterly. If you manage to quickly bring yourself to depression, medical intervention will relieve boredom - antidepressants and sedatives.

For some, in order to get rid of boredom, you need to figure out why it appeared. Did that person take up so much space in life that without him there was nothing to do?

It is worth whipping yourself up, remembering that you are a person. A strong person is interested and alone with himself. You can write down what they did together, why that person is missing specifically, analyze the circumstances. Having filled the void, it will be possible to return to an active life.

The fact that the soul is empty and there is nothing to do, you should only blame yourself. A person is born free, and builds his life according to his own taste, based on his own needs. You should not turn your own life into memories of the past, you need to remember what you did before he appeared in life.

Didn't you get bored then?

Sometimes you begin to understand that discomfort and boredom are caused by a change in lifestyle, and that person has nothing to do with it. They just developed new habits, akin to animal reflexes. In the evening, it is customary to go to a cafe, on Sundays - to discuss a movie watched together. It is worth taking empty evenings and finding a person with whom you can discuss what is happening in life and on the screen. Then there will be no trace of boredom.

If the boredom of a loved one is not caused by parting, but by his long absence, it is even easier to deal with it. Now there are enough means of communication to part only formally: the Internet, the telephone, the good old telegraph.

It is impossible to get a person out of your head in a short time, it is enough to reduce the number of memories of him to a minimum. Time and distance help to get rid of sorrowful and sad thoughts. You need to try to start a new life, and gradually you will stop missing the former.

During the working week, many of us dream about the weekend, imagining how they will lie in bed and do nothing. When the long-awaited hours of rest come, idle pastime can spoil boredom. How dangerous this condition is for a person and what it can lead to, read in our article.

Boredom and who gets it

According to the Big Encyclopedic Dictionary, “boredom is a kind of negatively colored emotion; a passive mental state characterized by a decrease in activity, increasing irritation, lack of interest in any activity, the world around and other people.

Despite the fact that people began to get bored long before our appearance, the word “boredom” itself appeared, for example, in the English lexicon, relatively recently - in 1852. The famous writer Charles Dickens used it for the first time in the novel “Bleak House”, in which he spoke about life of Milady Dedlock - a woman "dying of boredom" in marriage.

“Milady Dedlock, having conquered her little world (by marrying a rich man 20 years older than her - ed.), not only did not shed tears, but seemed to freeze. Weary self-control, indifference of satiety, such equanimity of fatigue that no interests and pleasures can stir her up - these are the victorious trophies of this woman. She carries herself impeccably. If tomorrow she was taken to heaven, she would probably go up there without expressing the slightest delight, ”wrote the author of Bleak House.

Later, the symptoms of boredom described by Dickens were confirmed by scientific research. One of the first scientists who showed interest in longing was John Eastwood, a psychologist at York University in Toronto (Canada).

In 2012, he and his colleagues attempted to scientifically define boredom. Study published on the American Psychological Association (APA) website.

Experts have studied many theories and conducted hundreds of interviews to find out exactly how people feel when they are bored. As a result, psychologists concluded that boredom is closely related to our attention.

“A person becomes bored at the moment when he cannot concentrate his attention on some business. As a result, he simply has nothing to do, ”Eastwood believes.

According to the psychologist, two distinct types of personality are especially prone to death anguish, with two opposites:

Impulsive by nature people who are constantly looking for new emotions. The measured course of everyday life seems too insipid to them. “The world around them doesn’t stimulate them enough,” notes Eastwood.
Trying to isolate themselves from danger, suspicious people can lock themselves at home and do nothing. “They withdraw because they are too sensitive to pain,” the scientist says.

Why is boredom dangerous?

It is not difficult to guess that boredom is not the most pleasant human emotion. Scientists add that it leads people to self-destruction. By the way, during one of research, in which a group of South African teenagers took part, it turned out that boredom is the main reason for the abuse of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana.

Scientists from University College London have observed the lives of 18,000 officials aged 20 to 64 for 10 years. It turned out that those who were bored at work, the risk of dying in the next three years increased by 30%. This is due to the fact that people who had nothing to do often went on a smoke break, constantly chewed something, and did not move much. All this, according to experts, directly affects the increase in pressure, the occurrence of cardiovascular diseases and the emergence of obesity.

Is it good to be bored?

“I have met a lot of people who can drive boredom, but Sandy Mann practices this craft professionally,” he wrote in his article“Green melancholy ... What are the harms and benefits of boredom” BBC journalist David Robson.

We are talking about the research of the British psychologist, author of the book "Hacking Psychology" Sandy Mann from the University of Central Lancashire (UK). To all the volunteers who came to her laboratory, she gave monotonous work, for example, asking them to rewrite a long list of phone numbers. As a rule, the participants of the experiment coped well with the tasks, but they did it with reluctance, constantly fidgeting in their chair, yawning and looking at their watches.

Is there any benefit to this suffering?

Note that the participants in the experiment were not bored in vain. In the course of many years of research and observation, Mann found out that boredom can be both a dangerous and harmful state of mind that has a bad effect on human health, and an engine of progress.

Before giving the volunteers a task, Mann asked them to take a test that contained questions about lateral thinking. After completing the work, the volunteers were asked to answer the same questions again. Oddly enough, the performance of the participants improved. The psychologist suggests that the routine helped thoughts flow in an arbitrary direction, which contributed to the development of associative and creative thinking.

“If there are no external stimuli, we look for internal ones - we start thinking about different things,” Mann explains the results of the experiment. - It develops the imagination. We go beyond the usual framework and think outside the box,” she concludes.

Research by other scientists only confirms Mann's findings.

In particular, professor of psychology from the University of Pennsylvania (USA) Angela Duckworth thinks that boredom, like other emotions, appeared as a result of the evolutionary development of man with a specific purpose. For example, fear and excitement were necessary for survival, and boredom was necessary for the development of mental thinking. According to Duckworth, without it, we would repeat the same actions over and over again. And boredom makes us move on, strive for something interesting, learn something new.

Is it possible to get used to boredom and love it?

Given that boredom can be the engine of progress, Mann advises accepting it with joy.

“Instead of being bored in traffic, I turn on the music and think about something else. I know it's good for me. I let my children get bored too: it helps develop creative skills,” she says.

In turn, Canadian psychologist John Eastwood from the University of York strongly doubts the benefits of boredom, but at the same time admits that you should not drive it away at any cost.

“This feeling is so unpleasant that people tend to get rid of it right there. I am not going to join this war with boredom and look for some recipes against it, because we should listen to this emotion and understand what the body is trying to tell us, ”says the scientist.

Cure for boredom

According to scientists, boredom is associated with mind wandering - when people are bored, they are immersed in their thoughts, which makes them even more bored. For the same reason, we begin to yearn when we are alone, alone with our own thoughts. Experts believe that occupying yourself with something will be the best way to get rid of boredom.

“By nature, it is important for a person to feel that he has an impact on the world, and the environment suits him. It's as important as light, fresh air and food," Eastwood said.

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