My husband spat on me, a psychologist. The Man Who Spit in Buddha's Face: A Philosophical Parable. Ilona. Two children, husband. “My ex-husband is no longer an ex-husband”

Wisdom has many forms, set forth, in particular, in various religious doctrines. One of the most important issues that has worried people since ancient times is the problem of curbing our own anger, which sometimes overwhelms the soul of each of us. What to do if someone tries to offend a person? Should I resist him or patiently endure this grief? Christianity teaches us to “turn the cheek.” How does Buddhism tell you to behave in moments of anger?

Everyone decides such a complex issue independently, and again it all depends on the situation. The Buddhist approach is illustrated by the parable below. The patient reader will familiarize himself with this story, the original source of which remains unknown.

Conflict

A certain person insulted Buddha. He did this in the most outrageous way.

Not everyone could bear such humiliation without complaint, the resentment was too great, and many would consider that only cowards behave this way. You shouldn’t judge so bluntly; perhaps there is a rational reason to behave this way.

It happened like this: one day Buddha sat with his disciples under a spreading tree and preached his teachings to them, or maybe just talked to them. At that moment, a stranger approached and suddenly spat in the teacher’s face. Everyone present was numb, this act was too sudden and inexplicable. Only Buddha did not lose his composure; he dried himself completely calmly and asked the stranger: “What next? What do you mean?"

The person who committed this outrageous and offensive act was himself at that moment discouraged. He expected everything, anything - a curse, a blow, but certainly not a calm question. He had obviously offended people before, and their reaction was predictable - cowards and weaklings smiled, trying to appease him, and the strong got into a fight. Buddha did not look afraid; the students sitting around him showed anger as well as readiness to stand up for the teacher and were only waiting for his command to punish the offender. And Buddha only asked: “What next?”

Conversation with students

When the stranger left without getting what he deserved, the teacher turned reproachfully to the students, telling them that their behavior offended him much more than the actions of this man. “He did not offend me as much as you did. He is a stranger to me, and probably heard something about me from people. Perhaps they slandered me, calling me a criminal, an atheist, an adventurer who seduces other people from the righteous path, a revolutionary or a bribe-taker. He probably formed some idea about me. He didn’t care about me, but about this image, about his own illusions, because he doesn’t know me at all.

I have nothing in common with his ideas about me, and so I asked what this poor man actually wanted to say - his spitting is also a way of saying something. There are times when people feel that their tongue is powerless: in prayer, deep love or intense anger. There are moments when the brightest speeches are powerless, then the need arises to do something. I can understand him. He clearly wanted to say something, so I asked him: what's next?

Meanwhile, the offender...

Puzzled and confused, the man went home. He didn't sleep all night. Again and again he experienced what happened, without finding an explanation for it. He had never met such a person before.

In the morning he returned to the tree and fell at the feet of the Buddha, and he again asked him: “What next? Your bow is also a way of saying something that cannot be expressed in words.”

The man looked at the Buddha with eyes full of tears and said, “Forgive me for what I did yesterday.”

Buddha's answer

"Forgive me? But I am not the person you offended. The Ganges continues to flow, and it is always another Ganges. Every person is like a river. There is no longer the one you spat at. I look like him, but I am already different! I even I can't forgive you, because I have no resentment. And you are new too. I see that you are not the same person who came yesterday, because he was angry and spat, and you bow at my feet. So let's forget about this. Come closer. Let's talk about something else."

Why, Lelena?....if a husband spits in his wife’s face, this is also evil and sin....I wrote about the wife because women’s exaltation over their husbands, humiliation of them is now very developed...leading to the fact that husbands start drinking, getting sick, or “walking”.........

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Dmitry, you cited animals as an example. But at the same time they said that conscience and our emotions come from understanding various actions and the mortality of life....

Animals are not able to comprehend their actions and mortality, but animals have different feelings, including caring for their neighbors, loyalty, even love, self-sacrifice, the desire to save and warn people from danger....Is this also the fruit of their thoughts and awareness of mortality?

After all, no... but they are guided by the internal law and the will of the Creator, prompting them to do this and not otherwise,

Or evil spirits that have entered the animal.....they, too, can be possessed by demons...

Dima, if a person created morality based on experience and awareness of death, then all people would have been saints long ago, having realized evil and its consequences..

But throughout history, man has sinned and continues to sin, he still does evil, and therefore the nature of Adam’s sin does not leave him.

But only God changes a person in the case when a person devotes himself to Him, recognizes His supremacy, His Laws of Truth and Truth, wants to submit to His will, and not his own.......

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A believer, like anyone else, is capable of loving another person because the feeling and ability to love is inherent in man by the Creator, for He Himself is Love, and we are created in His likeness....

The fact that we choose the “object” of love according to our ideas is already OUR choice, the choice of free will.

I watched a video where one girl had her own ideas about what her chosen one should be like... and imagined him as such a tough guy, who had definitely been in prison, with tattoos and a “strong” past, the charisma of a criminal..... she later fell for this and fell in love... then it happened like this: once a group of them went to the dacha, there they drank, ate, played cards.... then her beloved lost this girl at cards and her throat was cut.... but she still survived.....then she couldn’t speak for a long time, she constantly had a headache and it was difficult to breathe.....she suffered for 2.5 years.....her mother came to God...the girl resisted, saying that she (mother) is a sectarian, wanted to kill the pastor, came to church with the desire to cut everyone... but the Spirit touched her..... she cried, repented... then healing came... Now she has other ideas about love for to a man and about the Love of God......

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When a believer gives to a beggar, then if he is nominal, he will think about how to earn salvation by works...

And if he truly loves God, then he will give to the beggar simply out of compassion and love.....

And if an atheist does this, then one will do it for the sake of calming his conscience, and the other out of conscience or love for a person, but still, conscience and love are given to him from God, and he does not glorify God, but himself, worthy and moral.... ...Therefore, this morality is not at all higher, but lower, for it does not recognize God, but glorifies creation....

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Dima, the revolution was carried out by atheists. They led it.

Another thing is that people were drawn into it, playing on their feelings of lack of rights, poverty, oppression....instilling in them godlessness and atheism of the struggle for a better life....

The priests did not all and did not always support the Power of the World. This is a separate conversation. Some were against the government, some were for it, some were not at all.....

In history, as the instruments of production developed, slavery or serfdom would have disappeared by themselves in due time, since the need for human hands would have disappeared....

Now this need is disappearing even more, because automation and robotization of many industries is taking place....

People have always strived for personal well-being, at any cost...the time comes when comfort will overshadow all the needs of the spirit and soul, a person himself will turn into a robot with insatiable desires for consumption.............

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Dima, let's be more precise. This is what the Apostle Paul said:

“A wife is bound by the law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord.
But she will be happier if she remains like this, according to my advice; But I think that I also have the Spirit of God." ---

As you can see, he did not speak against marriage, but advised......

My mother, after the death of her husband at the age of 41, did not come out until she was 79.

To be honest, I would like neither me nor my daughter to have any relationship with him. You can, of course, speculate and dream about how good it is for a child when ex-spouses have a good relationship, but not everything is so simple. Much depends on whether a person is even capable of building normal relationships.

Anastasia, live alone with her daughter
“No matter how much mud you scoop out of the swamp, you still won’t get it all out.”

I've been divorced for 5 years now. Now our relationship with my ex-husband is the ideal relationship that former spouses can have. But not more. We are not friends, not even acquaintances, we are ex-husband and wife and parents of our daughter.

My ex-husband lives in another city, but he regularly comes to visit his daughter on weekends. Before this New Year, they and my ex-mother-in-law even spent the night with us. I myself suggested making such an exception: rented housing during this period is expensive, and I worked all weekend.

By the way, we regularly call our mother-in-law. To be honest, the relationship with her after the divorce became much better than before.

And such smooth and good relations between our families are now also our merit.

My ex-husband was always influenced by her. Now it is extremely positive for us. He even began to listen to me in matters related to raising his daughter. We don’t really talk about other topics.

We celebrate all my daughter’s holidays big family: parents, grandparents on both sides. At first it was awkward: my father-in-law was never present at them, and my parents were very embarrassed and tried to find an excuse to quickly leave. But now joint holidays have become the norm. Our families have become very close over many years of marriage, so such meetings benefit everyone.

My daughter is happy with this format of life: she fully communicates with every member of the family, but at the same time mom and dad don’t fight. For a long time I didn’t believe that everything was fine with her, so I took her to a psychologist. There it was discovered that the divorce did not traumatize my daughter at all.

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It seems to me that this form of relationship suits everyone. Maybe this is our format? The relationship as husband and wife was not ideal, but it became ideal as an ex-husband and ex-wife.

I don't need anything else. I don’t want to get closer to my ex-husband or try to be friends with him. But I don’t see the point in being offended when remembering the past. Yes, there was all sorts of things. It’s strange to even remember how I survived all this.

But as they say, no matter how much you scoop the mud out of the swamp, you still won’t get it all out. Therefore, I don’t want to stir up the past and sort out old grievances. And there are no more emotions left. Everything has been experienced.

I can’t say that I am grateful to my ex-husband for anything. But I don't regret it. I have a wonderful daughter. I'm happy that I have her.

Masha. Married for the second time, three children, including two from her first marriage.
“If it weren’t for the children, there would be no relationship between us at all”

I maintain my relationship with my ex-husband to the minimum extent necessary to communicate about the children. That is, I don’t ask “how are you” questions, and don’t wish you happy holidays. From time to time I send him photos of children and we only talk about children.

After the divorce, we didn't communicate at all for a year. Then another year of “somehow.” I always understood that he was the father of his children, but he, apparently, decided for some time that after the divorce his children also became “former”. But then he changed his behavior and became a normal father.

Now the children communicate well with their father: they go on visits, he gives them expensive gifts like hoverboards, contributes to the costs of the camp, etc. While we were little and couldn’t stay at home alone, we went to see him more often, and sometimes I asked him to stay with them when there was something to do. Now the children have grown up, they can be alone at home, and they have friends and everyday life at home, so they don’t ask to see their father so often. I don’t know what they talk about, how they spend their time - I don’t interfere at all.

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I have a different life now, I’m happy next to my man, we live in our own house. It’s not very pleasant for me to remember the past - there is a lot of negativity there. My responsibility for what happened in my first marriage is exactly half. But I really can remember very few joyful moments. As if it was either nothing or bad.

If it weren’t for the children, there would be no relationship between us at all.

Tatiana. They live alone with their son.
“I feel good now”

We separated when our son was less than a year old. On my husband's initiative. It was a shock for me. We lived with his parents, so I had to change my life dramatically and very dramatically. I rented an apartment and quickly went to work. And somehow everything went well. Now the child is 4 years old. I’ve already bought a car, I’m building housing for my son and I, and I feel confident.

My parents live in another city, and my ex-husband and his parents actively participate in raising the child: they often pick up their son from kindergarten, if I have to stay late at work, they go out with him on weekends. We are constantly in touch, but communication is exclusively about the child.

Recently my husband suggested getting back together. I refused. Now I feel good, why complicate my life?

Yes, he will always be the father of my child. But he will always be the person who betrayed me. You can't regain your trust in him. And I can communicate normally with him only knowing that we are strangers.

Ilona. Two children, husband.
“My ex-husband is no longer an ex-husband”

During our first marriage, we fought constantly. I wanted to work and travel, my husband expected me to sit at home and cook borscht. In the end, we had a child, but the scandals did not stop.

I was tired at home, my husband was tired at work, and constant problems with money only aggravated an already difficult life. Now it seems to me that we were simply not ready for the difficulties: we were in our early twenties.

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We divorced. But they didn’t stop communicating. About children, about everyday issues, sometimes we just talked. Along the way, they tried to arrange their personal lives, but somehow it didn’t work out.

About a year after the divorce, my husband began to look after me again: giving gifts, flowers. I can't say I was over the moon about it. I was rather scared, but it was nice. Eventually, he suggested getting back together. I thought about it and agreed.

We moved in together, and a couple of months later we got married again. Now I sit at home, cook borscht and take care of the children. We already have two of them. And my husband makes good money. And it looks like we are happy.

During our separation, we got to know each other better, matured, and already know how to cope with difficulties. And also that we are made for each other.

Larisa Malakhova

How are your relationships with your ex-husbands?